...
Written Sunday.
=================
Want. Dream.
Sing. Stage.
Fun. Adventure.
Home. Family.
Craft. Games.
Love. Learn.
=====================
I want love.
I want to sing. With people I respect personally and musically. Fun. Hard work. Opportunity. I want to be on stage, to be appreciated and adored and applauded. I want to be known as a performer who is a delight to work with - so talented and friendly. I want my name to be known.
I want a family. I want to experience life from the very beginning. I want to share in the teaching and nurturing and growing of another, to have a child and show them love, love not only for them, but love between their parents and love for the world.
I want Sean to never realize that he doesn't love me, or that I'm not worthy of whatever love he's given me.
I want to love myself. I like myself okay. But I'm not so sure about the love.
I want calm.
I think I would like to enlist the aid of certain allies in my search for my needs and desires. To break past the subconscious pains and fears (and conscious ones!) and/or to figure out where they live.
Singing/music/performing brings me joy, yes, but is it joy from the passion and beauty and creativity, or from the admiration and envy of others? Is there a difference? Will the expression of passion and beauty and creativity, if pure, generally elicit admiration and envy? IF my joy were from just the expression, I should feel such joy when alone, singing to the radio, humming to myself. I do, but I also have the thought, somewhere in the back of my head, that perhaps the person in the car next to mine or a neighbor walking down the street will hear me and have that admiration, no matter how anonymous.
Is this why I am all the time starting new things and then dropping them? I do something new, discover I'm good at it, and, when it doesn't lead to recognition and adoration and fame and fortune... it's over. I seem to be incapable of doing something purely for my own enjoyment. Reading? Perhaps, but it's usually either an escape or because I want to KNOW everything. Puzzles? Yeah. The logic. There's no grey - it's black and white - I can either do it or I can't. I'm not showing the results around, proving my intellect - I'm just solving puzzles.
[at this point I stopped writing in my paper journal and started doing crosswords.]
=======
Written today, talked about Sunday
===========
I think this is related to my compulsive overeating, too. I don't eat in order to get approval and love from others; I eat because the sensations feel good. It's solely for myself.
There are other things that bring me joy. They're tempered with the need for approval, though. Going off on forest adventures, finding mushrooms, kayaking, swimming - there's a lot of let-go-and-have-a-good-time there, but there's also a need for someone to tell me what a good job I'm doing, wow, look at how many mushrooms you've got, you're so fun to do this with, etc etc etc etc.
I think I keep singing because it does bring me some recognition and admiration, but that's only a part of it. I do think that singing brings me joy on its own. So singing is something I need to continue doing. Lucilky, I've got places to do that, although I don't know if the groups I'm in are what I really want to be doing. I enjoy both of them for completely different reasons.
My issues with playing games with people also come clearer. I need to play well, in order for people to admire me and love me. But if I always win, they are upset and will no longer love me.
=========
Today
=========
The work presents itself: what brings me joy? If I were a hermit without contact with other people, what would fill my days?
Music.
Nature, color, art. Sunday, Sean and I spent time on a beach looking for rocks. I honestly had a wonderful time pawing through the small stones to find just the perfect ones, finding striking colors, arranging them on the white driftwood.
Creation. Something. I do need to point to something and say "I made that".
The situation gets more complicated when the hermit has a partner and friends and work and obligations, though.
=================
Want. Dream.
Sing. Stage.
Fun. Adventure.
Home. Family.
Craft. Games.
Love. Learn.
=====================
I want love.
I want to sing. With people I respect personally and musically. Fun. Hard work. Opportunity. I want to be on stage, to be appreciated and adored and applauded. I want to be known as a performer who is a delight to work with - so talented and friendly. I want my name to be known.
I want a family. I want to experience life from the very beginning. I want to share in the teaching and nurturing and growing of another, to have a child and show them love, love not only for them, but love between their parents and love for the world.
I want Sean to never realize that he doesn't love me, or that I'm not worthy of whatever love he's given me.
I want to love myself. I like myself okay. But I'm not so sure about the love.
I want calm.
I think I would like to enlist the aid of certain allies in my search for my needs and desires. To break past the subconscious pains and fears (and conscious ones!) and/or to figure out where they live.
Singing/music/performing brings me joy, yes, but is it joy from the passion and beauty and creativity, or from the admiration and envy of others? Is there a difference? Will the expression of passion and beauty and creativity, if pure, generally elicit admiration and envy? IF my joy were from just the expression, I should feel such joy when alone, singing to the radio, humming to myself. I do, but I also have the thought, somewhere in the back of my head, that perhaps the person in the car next to mine or a neighbor walking down the street will hear me and have that admiration, no matter how anonymous.
Is this why I am all the time starting new things and then dropping them? I do something new, discover I'm good at it, and, when it doesn't lead to recognition and adoration and fame and fortune... it's over. I seem to be incapable of doing something purely for my own enjoyment. Reading? Perhaps, but it's usually either an escape or because I want to KNOW everything. Puzzles? Yeah. The logic. There's no grey - it's black and white - I can either do it or I can't. I'm not showing the results around, proving my intellect - I'm just solving puzzles.
[at this point I stopped writing in my paper journal and started doing crosswords.]
=======
Written today, talked about Sunday
===========
I think this is related to my compulsive overeating, too. I don't eat in order to get approval and love from others; I eat because the sensations feel good. It's solely for myself.
There are other things that bring me joy. They're tempered with the need for approval, though. Going off on forest adventures, finding mushrooms, kayaking, swimming - there's a lot of let-go-and-have-a-good-time there, but there's also a need for someone to tell me what a good job I'm doing, wow, look at how many mushrooms you've got, you're so fun to do this with, etc etc etc etc.
I think I keep singing because it does bring me some recognition and admiration, but that's only a part of it. I do think that singing brings me joy on its own. So singing is something I need to continue doing. Lucilky, I've got places to do that, although I don't know if the groups I'm in are what I really want to be doing. I enjoy both of them for completely different reasons.
My issues with playing games with people also come clearer. I need to play well, in order for people to admire me and love me. But if I always win, they are upset and will no longer love me.
=========
Today
=========
The work presents itself: what brings me joy? If I were a hermit without contact with other people, what would fill my days?
Music.
Nature, color, art. Sunday, Sean and I spent time on a beach looking for rocks. I honestly had a wonderful time pawing through the small stones to find just the perfect ones, finding striking colors, arranging them on the white driftwood.
Creation. Something. I do need to point to something and say "I made that".
The situation gets more complicated when the hermit has a partner and friends and work and obligations, though.