(no subject)
A Connecticut State Police helicopter has been circling the woods behind my house for the past two hours, the buzzing by now having subsided into mere background noise. Sure, I was suspicious when I passed five cop cars on the side of the road coming back from school; suspicions that were confirmed when we received a robo-call from the Selectman's office alerting residents to an armed fugitive on the loose somewhere near the center of town. Details lie somewhere in the no-man's land of sketchy to nonexistent, but the most reliable sources say he killed a man in Southbury, and hours later what the police conjecture to be his car found itself parked near the Warren elementary school, which is currently on lockdown.
I went out to get cigarettes, and learned three previously unknown bits of information. 1., his name is Steve. 2., he looks like me, which accounted for my being stopped and briskly questioned twice and 3., the police are idiots. Idiots. In their determination to bring this homicide suspect to justice, by law or by lead, they have set up a security perimeter consisting of roadblocks. These roadblocks are made up of several police cars, about a dozen State Police troopers who like to check your ID, interrogate you, look in your trunk, etc..., and are overall very impressive. The main shortcoming that afflicts all of these checkpoints is that they exist on the main roads and on the main roads solely. So, if, say, a deranged murderer were to carjack some helpless New Yorker and drive the hell out of Dodge on Route 45, he would be instantly met with, most likely, a hail of unprovoked 9mm rounds and probably a few shotgun blasts thrown in for good measure. However, in order to avoid what would undoubtedly end as poetic justice in the cold Connecticut evening by means of a bullet-riddled windshield, said deranged murderer could take Town Hill Rd. to Rabbit Hill Rd. to Route 202 and the boundless freedom to mercilessly slaughter once more. Until, that is, the next body is found and the police "what's all this?" off to occupy another town until Steve either gets sloppy, or tries to kill a lifelong, card-carrying NRA member, or convinces himself that morals do, in fact, exist, and that he should just turn himself in because, after all, he is so very tired of running, and killing people just ain't what it used to be, so on and so forth.
It has occurred to me that I could go looking for this "Steve," not to enact some brand of frontier justice, but so that he could off me, and so that in turn I may be mentioned on Wikipedia. Does it count if you're mentioned, or do you have to have your own page? Probably the page, right?
- CLARIFICATIONS -
This is the official story, as I have it from an extremely reliable source within the town government. The "Steve" in question is wanted in connection with the shooting death of his brother in Southbury. "Steve" lived for years in Warren, on Partridge Rd., and was fleeing to there when he saw two police cars, which he incorrectly assumed to be a roadblock, that were directing traffic around a construction site. (This construction was being done by the person who created the television show Barney, but this is completely irrelevant.) Upon formulating the theory that the cops had anticipated his flight to Warren, he turned around and parked the car near the school, where it was reported to the police, (presumably as being a suspicious vehicle within the vicinity of impressionable children) who placed the car as fleeing the scene of the crime in Southbury. From there "Steve" ran off into the woods behind my house, out back near the reservoir, where he has been hunted by helicopter ever since.
Police walking the road with assault rifles now. No dogs yet. It is perhaps possible that dog food could not be afforded due to the budget being spent on assault rifles.
I went out to get cigarettes, and learned three previously unknown bits of information. 1., his name is Steve. 2., he looks like me, which accounted for my being stopped and briskly questioned twice and 3., the police are idiots. Idiots. In their determination to bring this homicide suspect to justice, by law or by lead, they have set up a security perimeter consisting of roadblocks. These roadblocks are made up of several police cars, about a dozen State Police troopers who like to check your ID, interrogate you, look in your trunk, etc..., and are overall very impressive. The main shortcoming that afflicts all of these checkpoints is that they exist on the main roads and on the main roads solely. So, if, say, a deranged murderer were to carjack some helpless New Yorker and drive the hell out of Dodge on Route 45, he would be instantly met with, most likely, a hail of unprovoked 9mm rounds and probably a few shotgun blasts thrown in for good measure. However, in order to avoid what would undoubtedly end as poetic justice in the cold Connecticut evening by means of a bullet-riddled windshield, said deranged murderer could take Town Hill Rd. to Rabbit Hill Rd. to Route 202 and the boundless freedom to mercilessly slaughter once more. Until, that is, the next body is found and the police "what's all this?" off to occupy another town until Steve either gets sloppy, or tries to kill a lifelong, card-carrying NRA member, or convinces himself that morals do, in fact, exist, and that he should just turn himself in because, after all, he is so very tired of running, and killing people just ain't what it used to be, so on and so forth.
It has occurred to me that I could go looking for this "Steve," not to enact some brand of frontier justice, but so that he could off me, and so that in turn I may be mentioned on Wikipedia. Does it count if you're mentioned, or do you have to have your own page? Probably the page, right?
- CLARIFICATIONS -
This is the official story, as I have it from an extremely reliable source within the town government. The "Steve" in question is wanted in connection with the shooting death of his brother in Southbury. "Steve" lived for years in Warren, on Partridge Rd., and was fleeing to there when he saw two police cars, which he incorrectly assumed to be a roadblock, that were directing traffic around a construction site. (This construction was being done by the person who created the television show Barney, but this is completely irrelevant.) Upon formulating the theory that the cops had anticipated his flight to Warren, he turned around and parked the car near the school, where it was reported to the police, (presumably as being a suspicious vehicle within the vicinity of impressionable children) who placed the car as fleeing the scene of the crime in Southbury. From there "Steve" ran off into the woods behind my house, out back near the reservoir, where he has been hunted by helicopter ever since.
Police walking the road with assault rifles now. No dogs yet. It is perhaps possible that dog food could not be afforded due to the budget being spent on assault rifles.