In need of living water
I'm exhausted. Not only am I physically tired from the torture I'm probably putting my body through (weird sleeping hrs., not solid sleep, eating unhealthily, not working out), but I'm just spiritually drained.
I can't seem to surrender everything. I'm still learning; I'm a work in progress. Nevertheless, I still get tired when I think about how much God has left to do w/ me. It's good, though - I know laying down my life for my friends has been worth it (John 15:12-14). I can't even count on two hands the number of ways God's used me this year for His greater glory and joy - and mine, too.
Yet at the same time, I grow weary of not seeing prayers answered. I grow weary of not being served back, by putting it all out there for people, only to see my grades suffer in some respects (mostly b/c of personal laziness). I grow weary of how long it's going to take for some things to happen. I grow weary of not having control, of lacking discipline, of the unknown future in jobs and ministry. I grow weary of my fear of death. I grow weary of the ways days are passing by. I grow weary of possibly being rejected for staff. I grow weary of this roommate situation...I can't stand it.
I am so tired.
I'll press on, though. I'm going to finish this race. I will graduate, and I'll look back years later, w/ 20/20 hindsight, and know that these struggles are nothing compared to the glory of that day. I'm so glad for friendship w/ Justin, for the ways that things have worked out. But for now, life hurts sometimes, and the tears haven't flowed as greatly in some ways as today.
Can I be okay with not being the one?
I can't seem to surrender everything. I'm still learning; I'm a work in progress. Nevertheless, I still get tired when I think about how much God has left to do w/ me. It's good, though - I know laying down my life for my friends has been worth it (John 15:12-14). I can't even count on two hands the number of ways God's used me this year for His greater glory and joy - and mine, too.
Yet at the same time, I grow weary of not seeing prayers answered. I grow weary of not being served back, by putting it all out there for people, only to see my grades suffer in some respects (mostly b/c of personal laziness). I grow weary of how long it's going to take for some things to happen. I grow weary of not having control, of lacking discipline, of the unknown future in jobs and ministry. I grow weary of my fear of death. I grow weary of the ways days are passing by. I grow weary of possibly being rejected for staff. I grow weary of this roommate situation...I can't stand it.
I am so tired.
I'll press on, though. I'm going to finish this race. I will graduate, and I'll look back years later, w/ 20/20 hindsight, and know that these struggles are nothing compared to the glory of that day. I'm so glad for friendship w/ Justin, for the ways that things have worked out. But for now, life hurts sometimes, and the tears haven't flowed as greatly in some ways as today.
Can I be okay with not being the one?