Alphabet Soup
Somewhat inspired by the abc-along and other such things, I have decided to do a stream of consciousness alphabet exercise. I was in the car this morning, going through my admittedly muddled brain, and grumbling about various events of the past few days, and realized I was making an alphabetical list of woes. So, to clear my brain, I subject you to an alphabetical list of...concepts. Whatever comes to mind for each letter, and why. This might not be useful to anyone but me, but I do not really believe in wholly private LJ tags. Also, its under a cut due to length.
A is for ambition - a trait I have never had enough of.
B is for balance - something I am trying to attain in life, a precarious position between too much of what I want and not enough of what I need.
C is for competence - more importantly the expression thereof. I am a very capable person, in so many things that could be useful to people.So why can't I get paid to do them?
D is for diet - or rather, the will to stick to mine. It is an easy program to follow, and a smart one. I just need to focus.
E is for ennui - it is that time of year, the difficult place where the seasons turn, and instead of looking inwards and focusing on squirreling away the harvest (physical and emotional and otherwise) of summer, I get itchy and restless and dissatisfied with my place in the world.
F is for frustration - the foot stamping, hair tearing kind that leads to self-doubt and wondering. Are messages un-returned for innocuous reasons, or for something darker and deeper. And if it darker and deeper, why? What did I do to deserve being ignored? I like to believe it is the former, rather than the latter, because it puts the blame on something nameless.
G is for gratitude - something I try to practice every day, to keep the darker demons away. I try to be thankful for the sunrise, for my house and my parents and my cats and the job I hate. For relationships (existing and potential) and friends distant and near. For the ability to take a vacation at all. This letter might need its own entry.
H is for hatred - A word I do not like to use very much. It is to strong, too vehement. But at times, it is accurate.
I is for indecision - the downfall of so many, and the architect of my own frustrations. Doing nothing is worse than doing the wrong thing -someone famous said that somewhere. I believe it, strongly, while I sit on the fence and tear my insides into knots and ribbons over ... so many stupid little things. And the big ones too.
J is for juxtaposition - I could have used ambivalence for 'a' instead, but it is how I feel so often - there is no even keel. Its all up and down at the same time.
K is for Keisha - Yeah, maybe that's a cop-out, alphabetwise, but I suppose I should think of Me occasionally. This blog, of course, is all about talking about me, but that's not what I mean (though now, yes, I have a song in my head) when I say I should think about Me. I need to focus on where I am, not where I want to be, not where I came from. Here. Now. the Me that lives on her parent's ranch and works in a dead-end job for a crazy boss. I know this, but writing it down makes it more real, a little. The more I say it, the more real it feels, anyway.
L is for love - if I can use hate, I should counter it with some love. I do it too easily, perhaps because of my dualistic nature - you are either nothing or everything to me, full stop. I do not do 'friend' well. I tend to either maintain a superficial level of 'casual acquaintance' or move directly to a depth that is uncomfortable for many people. ( I assume this anyway - see previous frustrations with non-returned messages et al) I simply do not have the skillset to maintain that casual yet caring level of 'sort of a friend'. I try, but I think its just a skill that got missed in my genetic make-up. So I love you. Yeah, you. And you, and very likely, you.
M is for magnificent (Thank you Maber) - I do have friends, and they are magnificent, and marshmallow-y. :) Mmm, marshmallows. Now that is a concept I could get behind right now, some s'mores, with gourmet chocolate, perfectly toasted mallows, extra crispy grahams. Served around a glowing campfire in the chilly fall air. Yes.
N is for nifty - one of my favorite descriptive adjectives for people. I find it so much better than merely 'nice'. I don't use it very often, though.Maybe I should use it less often still.
O is for orbit - geo-synchronous or otherwise. Sometimes, that's how I feel I live my life - in a parallel trajectory to the rest of the world. Or possibly tangential. I know I do not march in the same line as, well, anyone. I'm learning to be okay with that.
P is for procrastination - I am putting off about 1,000 tasks to write this. It isn't even the good kind of procrastination, unless you count brain-clearing as a good and necessary exercise. We won't even consider for the moment the other things I am putting off right now.
Q is for quintessential - another favorite word. I used it, once, in a presentation I gave to Jr. High school teachers on the importance of maintaining school libraries. My adviser (I was in high school) pulled me aside at the end of the talk and informed me that I should not have used such a big word, and that I needed to consider my audience. I looked at him, wide-eyed, and said: But, they're teachers, and it was exactly the right word. I remember this, 21 years later, because it was my very first inkling that my expectations of other people's intelligence needed to be lowered ever so slightly.
R is for risk - I have often wondered if I am a risk averse of risk-taking person. I believe the last few months have proven that I am averse. I do not like this. I need to get some training in risk taking. And possibly charisma.
S is for sincerity - Something that is so very lacking from so many people and things these days. I think too many people are shocked by it,or distrustful of it when presented with a sincere compliment, a sincere criticism, anything said or done with sincerity. It makes me sad.
T is for truth - finding it, knowing it, changing it.
U is for ululation - a pure expression of joy and devotion. A word I have always loved the onomatopoeia of. It always makes me smile. There are others, but I used different words for their letters.
V is for vacation - as in oh my god how am I going to handle having NOTHING TO DO but enjoy myself? I don't know how to do that. Sad, but true. If I'm not entertaining people, showing them how to play games, selling them something, being a hostess for a party - I don't know how to interact. I fail at small talk. I mean seriously. Fail in a hard way. I think this is the root of the whole friend/acquaintance problem - I am learning to just shut up and listen, until I get sleepy or off my guard. Then I speak, and failure ensues with an alarming rapidity. I did volunteer for an hour at the games table - I figure it will ground me, give me a home base of safety to interact with others from, all those good things.
W is for whining - I do hope I have it out of my system now. I want to enjoy my vacation - cold sore and menstrual cycle and all. I need a whine-free weekend. But not a wine free one. No way. :)
X is for Xenophanes - I cheated, yes, and looked up 'words that start with X'. It was an amusing half hour's browse, and I settled on a philosopher because that is what this post is, isn't it? A random rambling bit of my personal philosophies and realities.
Y is you - Say something to me - whether you liked my rambling, or hated it, or got this far. Anything - I rather liked the 36 (really 35) random things, as it prompted some interesting information exchanges, and I think I would like there to be more dialogue here. That's why I am making this a public post, as scary as that is with everything in it like this.
Z is for zero - the number of kisses I will get while on vacation. Thank you chronic incurable recurring virus of contagiousness. Grrr.
That was fun, and did help with the crankypants changing. I hope it was enlightening, or enjoyable, or at least didn't bore you to tears.
A is for ambition - a trait I have never had enough of.
B is for balance - something I am trying to attain in life, a precarious position between too much of what I want and not enough of what I need.
C is for competence - more importantly the expression thereof. I am a very capable person, in so many things that could be useful to people.So why can't I get paid to do them?
D is for diet - or rather, the will to stick to mine. It is an easy program to follow, and a smart one. I just need to focus.
E is for ennui - it is that time of year, the difficult place where the seasons turn, and instead of looking inwards and focusing on squirreling away the harvest (physical and emotional and otherwise) of summer, I get itchy and restless and dissatisfied with my place in the world.
F is for frustration - the foot stamping, hair tearing kind that leads to self-doubt and wondering. Are messages un-returned for innocuous reasons, or for something darker and deeper. And if it darker and deeper, why? What did I do to deserve being ignored? I like to believe it is the former, rather than the latter, because it puts the blame on something nameless.
G is for gratitude - something I try to practice every day, to keep the darker demons away. I try to be thankful for the sunrise, for my house and my parents and my cats and the job I hate. For relationships (existing and potential) and friends distant and near. For the ability to take a vacation at all. This letter might need its own entry.
H is for hatred - A word I do not like to use very much. It is to strong, too vehement. But at times, it is accurate.
I is for indecision - the downfall of so many, and the architect of my own frustrations. Doing nothing is worse than doing the wrong thing -someone famous said that somewhere. I believe it, strongly, while I sit on the fence and tear my insides into knots and ribbons over ... so many stupid little things. And the big ones too.
J is for juxtaposition - I could have used ambivalence for 'a' instead, but it is how I feel so often - there is no even keel. Its all up and down at the same time.
K is for Keisha - Yeah, maybe that's a cop-out, alphabetwise, but I suppose I should think of Me occasionally. This blog, of course, is all about talking about me, but that's not what I mean (though now, yes, I have a song in my head) when I say I should think about Me. I need to focus on where I am, not where I want to be, not where I came from. Here. Now. the Me that lives on her parent's ranch and works in a dead-end job for a crazy boss. I know this, but writing it down makes it more real, a little. The more I say it, the more real it feels, anyway.
L is for love - if I can use hate, I should counter it with some love. I do it too easily, perhaps because of my dualistic nature - you are either nothing or everything to me, full stop. I do not do 'friend' well. I tend to either maintain a superficial level of 'casual acquaintance' or move directly to a depth that is uncomfortable for many people. ( I assume this anyway - see previous frustrations with non-returned messages et al) I simply do not have the skillset to maintain that casual yet caring level of 'sort of a friend'. I try, but I think its just a skill that got missed in my genetic make-up. So I love you. Yeah, you. And you, and very likely, you.
M is for magnificent (Thank you Maber) - I do have friends, and they are magnificent, and marshmallow-y. :) Mmm, marshmallows. Now that is a concept I could get behind right now, some s'mores, with gourmet chocolate, perfectly toasted mallows, extra crispy grahams. Served around a glowing campfire in the chilly fall air. Yes.
N is for nifty - one of my favorite descriptive adjectives for people. I find it so much better than merely 'nice'. I don't use it very often, though.Maybe I should use it less often still.
O is for orbit - geo-synchronous or otherwise. Sometimes, that's how I feel I live my life - in a parallel trajectory to the rest of the world. Or possibly tangential. I know I do not march in the same line as, well, anyone. I'm learning to be okay with that.
P is for procrastination - I am putting off about 1,000 tasks to write this. It isn't even the good kind of procrastination, unless you count brain-clearing as a good and necessary exercise. We won't even consider for the moment the other things I am putting off right now.
Q is for quintessential - another favorite word. I used it, once, in a presentation I gave to Jr. High school teachers on the importance of maintaining school libraries. My adviser (I was in high school) pulled me aside at the end of the talk and informed me that I should not have used such a big word, and that I needed to consider my audience. I looked at him, wide-eyed, and said: But, they're teachers, and it was exactly the right word. I remember this, 21 years later, because it was my very first inkling that my expectations of other people's intelligence needed to be lowered ever so slightly.
R is for risk - I have often wondered if I am a risk averse of risk-taking person. I believe the last few months have proven that I am averse. I do not like this. I need to get some training in risk taking. And possibly charisma.
S is for sincerity - Something that is so very lacking from so many people and things these days. I think too many people are shocked by it,or distrustful of it when presented with a sincere compliment, a sincere criticism, anything said or done with sincerity. It makes me sad.
T is for truth - finding it, knowing it, changing it.
U is for ululation - a pure expression of joy and devotion. A word I have always loved the onomatopoeia of. It always makes me smile. There are others, but I used different words for their letters.
V is for vacation - as in oh my god how am I going to handle having NOTHING TO DO but enjoy myself? I don't know how to do that. Sad, but true. If I'm not entertaining people, showing them how to play games, selling them something, being a hostess for a party - I don't know how to interact. I fail at small talk. I mean seriously. Fail in a hard way. I think this is the root of the whole friend/acquaintance problem - I am learning to just shut up and listen, until I get sleepy or off my guard. Then I speak, and failure ensues with an alarming rapidity. I did volunteer for an hour at the games table - I figure it will ground me, give me a home base of safety to interact with others from, all those good things.
W is for whining - I do hope I have it out of my system now. I want to enjoy my vacation - cold sore and menstrual cycle and all. I need a whine-free weekend. But not a wine free one. No way. :)
X is for Xenophanes - I cheated, yes, and looked up 'words that start with X'. It was an amusing half hour's browse, and I settled on a philosopher because that is what this post is, isn't it? A random rambling bit of my personal philosophies and realities.
Y is you - Say something to me - whether you liked my rambling, or hated it, or got this far. Anything - I rather liked the 36 (really 35) random things, as it prompted some interesting information exchanges, and I think I would like there to be more dialogue here. That's why I am making this a public post, as scary as that is with everything in it like this.
Z is for zero - the number of kisses I will get while on vacation. Thank you chronic incurable recurring virus of contagiousness. Grrr.
That was fun, and did help with the crankypants changing. I hope it was enlightening, or enjoyable, or at least didn't bore you to tears.