male mummification has left me mum
Okay, I have taken on the role of nanny for a two year old kid. I call him Paul. He poops on me and his mommy's carpet everyday. He refuses to put on his shoes without screaming for five minutes. When he takes a bath I end up soaked in free-flying baby water from head to toe. Nothing is easy, and it is always his way.
Then there is his brother, Ian, the helper, the monkey boy, the frightful annoyance. He is five, and also my charge. He uses the toilet, then has me wipe his bottom for him. When I say "put on your shoes," he returns to me mummy-wrapped in the house's entire stock of toilet paper and paper towels, lips pressed tight in smothered giggles. When I am standing in the bath tub, desperate to wash his brother's hair, he grabs my wet skirt, thrusts his face crotchward and starts yelling what color panties I have on. On at least two occasions he has shouted that I am mean and that he hates me.
I have also taken on the role of fiancee, a young man named Patrick being my primary charge. He needs a lot of love or else he gets cranky and whines, but he has some redeeming qualities, too. He is obsessed with small dogs (particularly Bishons and Poodles). He is extremely awkward. He is mortified of my mother and her incessant sighs. He'll tell me what is up. He is very erotic, and not in some horrible mutant way. He believes that, with a little magic and neo-conservatism, he can save the world.
It is because of these three men, who tend to take up every cyber-second of my time, that I have been such a sour puss about keeping in touch with people from lives gone by.
That said I would like to note that, Anne Hoffman, I am expecting you at my wedding, despite your claims.
Trina, I miss your undying desire to discuss tools, mental illness, and The Trash Birds.
Jessica Hicks, you are much better at discussing Joyce than my five year old mummy.
Kerry Kalberg is really something.
And Jake, I tried to call your house but your answering machine made me nervous. I will try again.
Big Al, thank you for calling, one of these days that email correspondence of ours will be reborn.
Suzi-q, PooPooPoo. I hope you are wearing sexy lingerie and thinking of me because I do that for you all the time.
Other important people: you rock my world.
Hooray for livejournal! Live on, be free, and make good choices!
Then there is his brother, Ian, the helper, the monkey boy, the frightful annoyance. He is five, and also my charge. He uses the toilet, then has me wipe his bottom for him. When I say "put on your shoes," he returns to me mummy-wrapped in the house's entire stock of toilet paper and paper towels, lips pressed tight in smothered giggles. When I am standing in the bath tub, desperate to wash his brother's hair, he grabs my wet skirt, thrusts his face crotchward and starts yelling what color panties I have on. On at least two occasions he has shouted that I am mean and that he hates me.
I have also taken on the role of fiancee, a young man named Patrick being my primary charge. He needs a lot of love or else he gets cranky and whines, but he has some redeeming qualities, too. He is obsessed with small dogs (particularly Bishons and Poodles). He is extremely awkward. He is mortified of my mother and her incessant sighs. He'll tell me what is up. He is very erotic, and not in some horrible mutant way. He believes that, with a little magic and neo-conservatism, he can save the world.
It is because of these three men, who tend to take up every cyber-second of my time, that I have been such a sour puss about keeping in touch with people from lives gone by.
That said I would like to note that, Anne Hoffman, I am expecting you at my wedding, despite your claims.
Trina, I miss your undying desire to discuss tools, mental illness, and The Trash Birds.
Jessica Hicks, you are much better at discussing Joyce than my five year old mummy.
Kerry Kalberg is really something.
And Jake, I tried to call your house but your answering machine made me nervous. I will try again.
Big Al, thank you for calling, one of these days that email correspondence of ours will be reborn.
Suzi-q, PooPooPoo. I hope you are wearing sexy lingerie and thinking of me because I do that for you all the time.
Other important people: you rock my world.
Hooray for livejournal! Live on, be free, and make good choices!