Resolutions shouldn't wait for New Year's.
I'm posting this as many places as I can because I want to hold myself accountable. So if you've read this somewhere else already, sorry.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life. No, I take that back: I've been too busy to think a lot. But in the snatches of time I do have, something's been bubbling, bubbling, trying to come to the surface and turn into coherency. A pang of guilt will hit me for something I did or said two days ago. A wave of regret will inundate me for what I didn't do or say two days ago. In light of this, I'm setting forth some theses. There aren't ninety-five of them, and I won't be nailing them to anything, but I hope in some way it will spur me to my own quiet revolution.
There are two Bible verses that have been banging around in my head for a while now. (A warning: This post references the Bible a lot, but it also draws on my personal experiences. I'd encourage you to read even if you're not a Bible-thumper; most of what I have to say isn't strictly biblical.) The first of these is Galatians 5: 16, 19-22, 25:
I say, then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissentions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like, of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
(I have flashcards - I do not have the whole thing memorized! Not yet.)
So it stands to reason that if I'm going to try to be a good Christian (and a good person, one could argue), I should eschew things in the first list and strive to be all the things in the second list.
The second verse, 1 Corinthians 16:14, is much shorter:
Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love.
I strive for the first part of that verse every day, I think. But the second often falls by the wayside.
So how do these apply to my everyday life?
First, my language. College has been terrible for my vocabulary, and working in a newsroom doesn't help things. I'm fairly certain I'd be at home in the Navy, should I ever act upon my idle thoughts of joining. This bothers me on two levels: Grammatically, because should I ever need a truly strong word, I'll have stripped all the meaning from it; and spiritually, because, let's face it, that sort of language wasn't ever meant to glorify anything. I think it falls under the category of "uncleanness" in Galatians. It's not going to be easy: "Shit" is my default expression of surprise/frustration/anger/etc. It's gotten to the point where I don't even blink at dropping the f-bomb at the office in jest, because it's so common. I've got to stop. It's not doing any favors for my testimony, and with my luck, I'll let a word slip in front of someone who won't appreciate it someday.
Second, sexual jokes. I'm filing this one under "lewdness," though it could also fit under "fornication" if you subscribe to the Christian philosophy that an action taken in your mind is as real as one carried out in the flesh. In this age of "that's what she said," where anything can be made into an innuendo, racy jokes are an easy kind to make. I've kind of slipped into them like I have language. Also, it's been an in-joke between me and some of my best girlfriends to pretend we're lesbians. It's fun to freak out homophobes and just be outrageous. I once heard that you should be careful what you laugh at, because you will eventually become that thing. While I don't think there's much chance of my turning gay, I'm sure that sort of teasing has had an effect on me. Perhaps I act it more than I know, which is why so many people think I actually am lesbian? Regardless, again it doesn't do anything but hurt my Christian testimony, and the lesbian act is pretty insensitive to people who actually are gay.
Third, taking my frustrations out on people. I swear, I've never hit so many people in my life as I have at the Collegian. It's usually in good fun, but it isn't healthy. This is where I've gotten the "be brave, be strong" part of 1 Corinthians down without remembering to include "Let all that you do be done with love." And I get frustrated far, far too easily. What does Galatians condemn? Contentions, outbursts of wrath, dissentions, jealousies and envy, all of which, at some point or another, have led me to react badly to people on some level. The same verse praises self-control, kindness, and longsuffering (patience, for you non-King Jamesers). I've been told I need to work on it but multiple people, but I never really realized just how much I'd let my passions take control of me until recently. I'm a bitter, caustic person - I was once described as "acerbic," which I took as a compliment at the time. I'm not saying sarcasm doesn't have a place, especially in humor, only that I apply mine far too liberally. For like any substance, friendship and love are eaten away by acid.
Fourth, gossiping or talking shit (there's that word again) on people who aren't around.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace … goodness …"
"Let all that you do be done with love."
C.S. Lewis once said that we walk amongst fellow immortals and should treat the people we interact with as such. For me, that's a rather heady thought, and a rather humbling one. With a select few exceptions, I treat people like crap. And that's really something I've only come to realize within the last few days. One of my weaknesses is talking about how stupid a person is, or how annoying I find them, etc. If I'm talking to your face, I probably am teasing. But I share my tales of stupidity fairly often with people whom I think will find them amusing. That's not right or fair to the people I'm talking about. And again, it doesn't do my testimony any favors.
Fifth, speak up when I'm uncomfortable with what's going on, especially when the people making me uncomfortable are Christians. I tend to be nonconfrontational when my reasons for objecting are spiritual out of fear that people will think I'm a religious nut. (I probably sound like it from this post, don't I?) It's very inconsistent with my aforementioned temper, really. This is where my vocality should be coming in, and it's not. By not objecting, I'm silently condoning things I don't agree with and jeopardizing how people see me.
Sixth, stop being afraid of being a girl. There's this part of me that is scared of being taken advantage of if I ever let my softer side show. As long as I keep on my shell of hard, unapproachable, asskicking attitude, no one can see that that's not who I am through-and-through. If no one can see it, no one can exploit it. But I'm tired of people being surprised that I own dresses. I'm tired of feeling out-of-place among pretty women. I'm tired of not knowing how to make myself look or feel feminine. I'm tired of always being one of the boys.
Don't get me wrong: There are very few things I like more than being one of the boys. But not being able to ever break out of that mold? Frigging annoying. And it's never going to change if I don't try to change myself.
(No Bible references here; just good old-fashioned female frustration.)
So there you have it. These are my struggles to face in the coming months, days, and even moments. My thanks to you, who have inspired them and who will, I hope, watch me change to become a better person.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life. No, I take that back: I've been too busy to think a lot. But in the snatches of time I do have, something's been bubbling, bubbling, trying to come to the surface and turn into coherency. A pang of guilt will hit me for something I did or said two days ago. A wave of regret will inundate me for what I didn't do or say two days ago. In light of this, I'm setting forth some theses. There aren't ninety-five of them, and I won't be nailing them to anything, but I hope in some way it will spur me to my own quiet revolution.
There are two Bible verses that have been banging around in my head for a while now. (A warning: This post references the Bible a lot, but it also draws on my personal experiences. I'd encourage you to read even if you're not a Bible-thumper; most of what I have to say isn't strictly biblical.) The first of these is Galatians 5: 16, 19-22, 25:
I say, then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissentions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like, of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
(I have flashcards - I do not have the whole thing memorized! Not yet.)
So it stands to reason that if I'm going to try to be a good Christian (and a good person, one could argue), I should eschew things in the first list and strive to be all the things in the second list.
The second verse, 1 Corinthians 16:14, is much shorter:
Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love.
I strive for the first part of that verse every day, I think. But the second often falls by the wayside.
So how do these apply to my everyday life?
First, my language. College has been terrible for my vocabulary, and working in a newsroom doesn't help things. I'm fairly certain I'd be at home in the Navy, should I ever act upon my idle thoughts of joining. This bothers me on two levels: Grammatically, because should I ever need a truly strong word, I'll have stripped all the meaning from it; and spiritually, because, let's face it, that sort of language wasn't ever meant to glorify anything. I think it falls under the category of "uncleanness" in Galatians. It's not going to be easy: "Shit" is my default expression of surprise/frustration/anger/etc. It's gotten to the point where I don't even blink at dropping the f-bomb at the office in jest, because it's so common. I've got to stop. It's not doing any favors for my testimony, and with my luck, I'll let a word slip in front of someone who won't appreciate it someday.
Second, sexual jokes. I'm filing this one under "lewdness," though it could also fit under "fornication" if you subscribe to the Christian philosophy that an action taken in your mind is as real as one carried out in the flesh. In this age of "that's what she said," where anything can be made into an innuendo, racy jokes are an easy kind to make. I've kind of slipped into them like I have language. Also, it's been an in-joke between me and some of my best girlfriends to pretend we're lesbians. It's fun to freak out homophobes and just be outrageous. I once heard that you should be careful what you laugh at, because you will eventually become that thing. While I don't think there's much chance of my turning gay, I'm sure that sort of teasing has had an effect on me. Perhaps I act it more than I know, which is why so many people think I actually am lesbian? Regardless, again it doesn't do anything but hurt my Christian testimony, and the lesbian act is pretty insensitive to people who actually are gay.
Third, taking my frustrations out on people. I swear, I've never hit so many people in my life as I have at the Collegian. It's usually in good fun, but it isn't healthy. This is where I've gotten the "be brave, be strong" part of 1 Corinthians down without remembering to include "Let all that you do be done with love." And I get frustrated far, far too easily. What does Galatians condemn? Contentions, outbursts of wrath, dissentions, jealousies and envy, all of which, at some point or another, have led me to react badly to people on some level. The same verse praises self-control, kindness, and longsuffering (patience, for you non-King Jamesers). I've been told I need to work on it but multiple people, but I never really realized just how much I'd let my passions take control of me until recently. I'm a bitter, caustic person - I was once described as "acerbic," which I took as a compliment at the time. I'm not saying sarcasm doesn't have a place, especially in humor, only that I apply mine far too liberally. For like any substance, friendship and love are eaten away by acid.
Fourth, gossiping or talking shit (there's that word again) on people who aren't around.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace … goodness …"
"Let all that you do be done with love."
C.S. Lewis once said that we walk amongst fellow immortals and should treat the people we interact with as such. For me, that's a rather heady thought, and a rather humbling one. With a select few exceptions, I treat people like crap. And that's really something I've only come to realize within the last few days. One of my weaknesses is talking about how stupid a person is, or how annoying I find them, etc. If I'm talking to your face, I probably am teasing. But I share my tales of stupidity fairly often with people whom I think will find them amusing. That's not right or fair to the people I'm talking about. And again, it doesn't do my testimony any favors.
Fifth, speak up when I'm uncomfortable with what's going on, especially when the people making me uncomfortable are Christians. I tend to be nonconfrontational when my reasons for objecting are spiritual out of fear that people will think I'm a religious nut. (I probably sound like it from this post, don't I?) It's very inconsistent with my aforementioned temper, really. This is where my vocality should be coming in, and it's not. By not objecting, I'm silently condoning things I don't agree with and jeopardizing how people see me.
Sixth, stop being afraid of being a girl. There's this part of me that is scared of being taken advantage of if I ever let my softer side show. As long as I keep on my shell of hard, unapproachable, asskicking attitude, no one can see that that's not who I am through-and-through. If no one can see it, no one can exploit it. But I'm tired of people being surprised that I own dresses. I'm tired of feeling out-of-place among pretty women. I'm tired of not knowing how to make myself look or feel feminine. I'm tired of always being one of the boys.
Don't get me wrong: There are very few things I like more than being one of the boys. But not being able to ever break out of that mold? Frigging annoying. And it's never going to change if I don't try to change myself.
(No Bible references here; just good old-fashioned female frustration.)
So there you have it. These are my struggles to face in the coming months, days, and even moments. My thanks to you, who have inspired them and who will, I hope, watch me change to become a better person.