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i think in a lot of ways, going to a party by yourself is a good barometer of who you are as a human being. based on tonight's experience, i think i am a lot more grown up and emotionally mature than i give myself credit for, which i would do well to remember in daylight hours. that and part of being awesome is believing that you are awesome. i was thinking a few weeks ago that i have a lot of qualities of a natural leader that i've done absolutely fuck all with in the past couple years, out of a general misanthrophy that has led to me storming off from people in general. maybe what i'm feeling is the gestating of something awesome. i don't know. i can only hope. even being able to say "i can only hope" is such a foreign concept to me that i think my own capacity for hope may be it's own gift. i don't think i need hope, but it would nice for it not to be a total luxury like civet shit coffee or something like that. i am unexpectedly feeling good about life right now. how novel.