A sea change or just seeing change
Having realised I was finally at the point where the present state of things could not go on, I found a free psychologist. I say free, because paying their normal rate is quite a barrier. Not because I can't afford it, but because I don't really want to pay that much. A decade of enforced tight-arsery will have its mark
It's been a bit of a trip so far. They've managed to make me cry twice. It's now unsatisfying when I go there and don't manage to cry. Crying in a room while a relative stranger look at you is a bit of a confronting experience, and it's hard to not want to laugh (probably due to the awkwardness) while trying to simultaneously hold back and let out the tears. Afterwards I feel extremely relaxed. It's like having a massage for my brain.
So we're not there yet, but it's a work in progress, and the progress seems to be going well. If I'd known I could access it for free years ago, I hope I would have gone. But you can't change the past.
A large factor in this new found peace is that I no longer have the financial stress that has dogged me for years on end. Going without a full time job from 2006-2016 will have that effect. I finally have a decent financial safety net, and knowing it's possible to walk out of my job today and start somewhere new the following Monday brings unbelievable relief.
I feel a lot better on one hand, yet on the other with this new found clarity and calmness I've found regret in past actions.
One of which was breaking up with a lovely woman, who then held out hope for 5 years that we would get back together. Meanwhile I kept denying her. She suggested we go away on holiday together at one point. I said yes, then ignored her when she tried to make follow up plans for it. Knowing she still held a candle stressed me out.
Given the same choice today I would jump at it. The stress factors aren't there. Money for a couple of weeks holiday? No worries. Can't get the time off work? Fuck it, get a new job Monday when I return.
She's moved on of course, and it's probably best for her.
I had realised that financial stress affected me hugely while I was being affected by it. It hasn't been until now, after a decade, when it's not an issue any more, that I realise just how much. How I've pushed people away when I should have been holding them close.
I hope it's not too late to meet someone. There's the concern that I'd want to know them for a couple of years first, and I finally get to hear the biological clock everyone guardedly jokes about. I hope it's not too late to start a disgustingly perfect family.
I actually suspect I have some type of financial PTSD. Probably something to add to the list for the brain doctor.
It's been a bit of a trip so far. They've managed to make me cry twice. It's now unsatisfying when I go there and don't manage to cry. Crying in a room while a relative stranger look at you is a bit of a confronting experience, and it's hard to not want to laugh (probably due to the awkwardness) while trying to simultaneously hold back and let out the tears. Afterwards I feel extremely relaxed. It's like having a massage for my brain.
So we're not there yet, but it's a work in progress, and the progress seems to be going well. If I'd known I could access it for free years ago, I hope I would have gone. But you can't change the past.
A large factor in this new found peace is that I no longer have the financial stress that has dogged me for years on end. Going without a full time job from 2006-2016 will have that effect. I finally have a decent financial safety net, and knowing it's possible to walk out of my job today and start somewhere new the following Monday brings unbelievable relief.
I feel a lot better on one hand, yet on the other with this new found clarity and calmness I've found regret in past actions.
One of which was breaking up with a lovely woman, who then held out hope for 5 years that we would get back together. Meanwhile I kept denying her. She suggested we go away on holiday together at one point. I said yes, then ignored her when she tried to make follow up plans for it. Knowing she still held a candle stressed me out.
Given the same choice today I would jump at it. The stress factors aren't there. Money for a couple of weeks holiday? No worries. Can't get the time off work? Fuck it, get a new job Monday when I return.
She's moved on of course, and it's probably best for her.
I had realised that financial stress affected me hugely while I was being affected by it. It hasn't been until now, after a decade, when it's not an issue any more, that I realise just how much. How I've pushed people away when I should have been holding them close.
I hope it's not too late to meet someone. There's the concern that I'd want to know them for a couple of years first, and I finally get to hear the biological clock everyone guardedly jokes about. I hope it's not too late to start a disgustingly perfect family.
I actually suspect I have some type of financial PTSD. Probably something to add to the list for the brain doctor.