i wanna give my self to you, so we can live, like lovers do
i rarely write (type) because i dont think anyone reads it. but its kind of nice to write shit down. now that i feel i can trust that people who read this wont use it against me. i hope i'm right.
so a while back i left my dads house because i really hate it here alot. then my mom wanted me to come back... so i did... and im trying but i still cant handle it. before my friends at school were the only thing holding me down to a strong decision of living here. i wanted to go to JH and graduate with my friends.
what friends? well theres Leah and Kaylee who i absolutely adore but never hang out wth outside of school which breaks my heart. theres Elyse who i adore but find hard to spend time with because i'm so envious.. carly who doesnt have alot of time cause she spends most of it with her boyfriend, which i understand.. and nikki. whom i love but she never keeps contact with me outside of school. and it makes me sad.
as you can see i dont really hang out with any of my friends outside of school. other than carlie aquilina who is my best friend, whom i will love no matter what. she means a hell of alot to me and we hang out fucking all the time. i love hanging out with her but our intrests differ and there is only so much to do in flipping guilford right?
so i tried to branch out more, had a crush on a grade 11 .. why not start there, of course he was dating a grade nine and when he finally came to his senses got it over with her and had sex with me (he was a virgin) and then he didnt really pay attention to me
now you say well Leanna you can just go around with boys, having sex with them so they'll like you! WHY why doesnt that work? well 'why have the cow when you can just have the milk' i dont know what to say to that.. on his end i guess thats the point of view , i try to offer 'then you can have the milk all the time' whats wrong with me?
i'm cheapening myself. because i found it so hard to deal with my last break up... so hard to be alone that i had to have that intimacy with someone... anyone.. so it was the next random horny guy... and thats where it started, my deep unending desire to be intimate and wanted by someone.
pretty sad eh? so i want to change. but theres something in the way... the other half of me that doesnt want to change. the side that says, 'its what you want right now, and anything that will temporarily satisfy is worth it because you have no hope for the future.
ive lost all hope. ALL OF IT. i dont expect to have another boyfriend, as desperately as i want one, i dont believe it will happen, at least for a long time, i dont see potential in any of my talents .. whatever they be, i dont see them taking me places..
and places, i want to go, away from here... please
this is getting way to long. but i have alot on my mind..
i mean i'm seriously thinking about changing schools. i'm unhappy...
is unhapiness necessary?
why wont things just change?
maybe i'm just an attention whore moping because i'm not getting any *rolls eyes*
so a while back i left my dads house because i really hate it here alot. then my mom wanted me to come back... so i did... and im trying but i still cant handle it. before my friends at school were the only thing holding me down to a strong decision of living here. i wanted to go to JH and graduate with my friends.
what friends? well theres Leah and Kaylee who i absolutely adore but never hang out wth outside of school which breaks my heart. theres Elyse who i adore but find hard to spend time with because i'm so envious.. carly who doesnt have alot of time cause she spends most of it with her boyfriend, which i understand.. and nikki. whom i love but she never keeps contact with me outside of school. and it makes me sad.
as you can see i dont really hang out with any of my friends outside of school. other than carlie aquilina who is my best friend, whom i will love no matter what. she means a hell of alot to me and we hang out fucking all the time. i love hanging out with her but our intrests differ and there is only so much to do in flipping guilford right?
so i tried to branch out more, had a crush on a grade 11 .. why not start there, of course he was dating a grade nine and when he finally came to his senses got it over with her and had sex with me (he was a virgin) and then he didnt really pay attention to me
now you say well Leanna you can just go around with boys, having sex with them so they'll like you! WHY why doesnt that work? well 'why have the cow when you can just have the milk' i dont know what to say to that.. on his end i guess thats the point of view , i try to offer 'then you can have the milk all the time' whats wrong with me?
i'm cheapening myself. because i found it so hard to deal with my last break up... so hard to be alone that i had to have that intimacy with someone... anyone.. so it was the next random horny guy... and thats where it started, my deep unending desire to be intimate and wanted by someone.
pretty sad eh? so i want to change. but theres something in the way... the other half of me that doesnt want to change. the side that says, 'its what you want right now, and anything that will temporarily satisfy is worth it because you have no hope for the future.
ive lost all hope. ALL OF IT. i dont expect to have another boyfriend, as desperately as i want one, i dont believe it will happen, at least for a long time, i dont see potential in any of my talents .. whatever they be, i dont see them taking me places..
and places, i want to go, away from here... please
this is getting way to long. but i have alot on my mind..
i mean i'm seriously thinking about changing schools. i'm unhappy...
is unhapiness necessary?
why wont things just change?
maybe i'm just an attention whore moping because i'm not getting any *rolls eyes*