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K...so now make a wish.....JP!
Today was so crappy. I don't know why...but I was mopey ALLL day long...it sucked at life. I don't know what the hell my problem was I was just in a crappy mood all day....and even now. My room-mate is outside talking to her friends and she has been for like 3 hours now......and I am in here all cooped up in my room being sad about something that I don't even know why I am sad for.
I think it is because I was thinking about my past and my beginnings and I get really sad. I haven't heard from the people I love in such a long time. I just want to talk to them to make sure that they are okay and they haven't forgotten about me. It is so frustrating for me to think that I have noooo idea how they are doing, where they are, how they are doing in school, etc....it makes me so sad. I usually don't admit to being sad or missing them...or thinking about them...but I think about them always. They are a part of who I am and a part of my past. I would love for them to be part of my future too...but I can't even find them. I keep listening to the song that David and I used to love when we were little....and it tears me apart. I cry EVERY time I hear the song and it just brings back so many memoires that are bad memories...but they are good because I can actually remember what David looks like.
There are so many twists and turns that have occurred throughout my life...it is rediculous to think about the person that I could have become if things didn't happen the way they did. I am so thankful and appreciative that things DID happen the way that they did...but I still wish that I could have a little bit of both worlds. I wish I could see Angel and David at least once a year...to make sure that they are doing okay...and maybe the other person too...but that's not as important to me. I don't remember the last time that I talked to David and Angel and it scares me that I don't know where they are or how they are doing....I always think the worst. I hate doing that...but I know how that person acts...and I don't know if they are safe or not. It is so frustrating for me! I want to be there for them and make sure that they have all of the opportunities that I had...because I feel like what I got was unfair to them. I just wish I could be with them so they know that I love them and that I am here for them if they ever need anything.
Today is a mopey day....and me thinking about this stuff is not helping....but I can't fall asleep anyways...so I don't know what I am going to do. People are online...but no one is really in a talkative mood because they are either doing homework or research...or they just don't want to talk.
I don't kno when I became such a big loser...I've been sitting in my room by myself for the majority of the evening...even though most of the time I was reading....I finished Fight Club...which was probably the best thing that I did all day....but whatever. I am getting so sick of it here. I miss Jessie, Amra, Annie, Ginny, Patrick, and everyone else form back home. I am so ready to be home I never imagined that I could feel so alone. I have my friends here...but I am not with them...and when I am not with them I feel so lonely. I know that I can't be doing something with someone EVERY SECOND AND MINUTE of the day...but that's why I loved being home...cuz Jessie Fressie was only a phone call and a 10 minute drive away....and we always were there for each other. Now we are still only a call away....but we have time conflicts so it makes things hard. I just want to run home and have my mom hold me and then be able to hang out with Jessie whenever I want to again. I am so tired of not having someone say they love me every day....I know my parents love me...but I don't get to hear it every day and it is sooo hard...because my ENTIRE life I have had someone tell me that they love me every day...(even though it was just my parents....it's a HUUUUUUUUUUGE deal for me). I am used to not being "tucked in" anymore because my parents haven't done that for a while.....but it is hard not being hugged every day. I never realized that I would have a problem with that....but I guess not having that physical loving contact is really important for me...and without it is ripping me apart. Even if it is just a hug from jessie or one of the girls or my parents...it doesn't even have to be a boy thing. Which I am getting better with as well...which is good but....i miss jessie more than i have ever missed anyone. I didn't realize it was going to be this hard so late in the game.........I love T, Em, and Alyson...but we're not as close and my fressie-bear and i were!
Back to the whole boy thing....I have pretty much started focusing crucially on my homework and school and all of that stuff...I mean I have a few crushes but finding a boy isn't driving and directing my life anymore...which is good. I feel better about that...but as soon as I got stronger with that I fell to hell about the jessie thing. I don't know why it bugs me this badly....but I HATE not being able to see her whenever I want....and the same goes for Amra and Ginny....those were my 3 best friends...and it is really hard for me not to have them.
im leaving...goodbye
me
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K...so now make a wish.....JP!
Today was so crappy. I don't know why...but I was mopey ALLL day long...it sucked at life. I don't know what the hell my problem was I was just in a crappy mood all day....and even now. My room-mate is outside talking to her friends and she has been for like 3 hours now......and I am in here all cooped up in my room being sad about something that I don't even know why I am sad for.
I think it is because I was thinking about my past and my beginnings and I get really sad. I haven't heard from the people I love in such a long time. I just want to talk to them to make sure that they are okay and they haven't forgotten about me. It is so frustrating for me to think that I have noooo idea how they are doing, where they are, how they are doing in school, etc....it makes me so sad. I usually don't admit to being sad or missing them...or thinking about them...but I think about them always. They are a part of who I am and a part of my past. I would love for them to be part of my future too...but I can't even find them. I keep listening to the song that David and I used to love when we were little....and it tears me apart. I cry EVERY time I hear the song and it just brings back so many memoires that are bad memories...but they are good because I can actually remember what David looks like.
There are so many twists and turns that have occurred throughout my life...it is rediculous to think about the person that I could have become if things didn't happen the way they did. I am so thankful and appreciative that things DID happen the way that they did...but I still wish that I could have a little bit of both worlds. I wish I could see Angel and David at least once a year...to make sure that they are doing okay...and maybe the other person too...but that's not as important to me. I don't remember the last time that I talked to David and Angel and it scares me that I don't know where they are or how they are doing....I always think the worst. I hate doing that...but I know how that person acts...and I don't know if they are safe or not. It is so frustrating for me! I want to be there for them and make sure that they have all of the opportunities that I had...because I feel like what I got was unfair to them. I just wish I could be with them so they know that I love them and that I am here for them if they ever need anything.
Today is a mopey day....and me thinking about this stuff is not helping....but I can't fall asleep anyways...so I don't know what I am going to do. People are online...but no one is really in a talkative mood because they are either doing homework or research...or they just don't want to talk.
I don't kno when I became such a big loser...I've been sitting in my room by myself for the majority of the evening...even though most of the time I was reading....I finished Fight Club...which was probably the best thing that I did all day....but whatever. I am getting so sick of it here. I miss Jessie, Amra, Annie, Ginny, Patrick, and everyone else form back home. I am so ready to be home I never imagined that I could feel so alone. I have my friends here...but I am not with them...and when I am not with them I feel so lonely. I know that I can't be doing something with someone EVERY SECOND AND MINUTE of the day...but that's why I loved being home...cuz Jessie Fressie was only a phone call and a 10 minute drive away....and we always were there for each other. Now we are still only a call away....but we have time conflicts so it makes things hard. I just want to run home and have my mom hold me and then be able to hang out with Jessie whenever I want to again. I am so tired of not having someone say they love me every day....I know my parents love me...but I don't get to hear it every day and it is sooo hard...because my ENTIRE life I have had someone tell me that they love me every day...(even though it was just my parents....it's a HUUUUUUUUUUGE deal for me). I am used to not being "tucked in" anymore because my parents haven't done that for a while.....but it is hard not being hugged every day. I never realized that I would have a problem with that....but I guess not having that physical loving contact is really important for me...and without it is ripping me apart. Even if it is just a hug from jessie or one of the girls or my parents...it doesn't even have to be a boy thing. Which I am getting better with as well...which is good but....i miss jessie more than i have ever missed anyone. I didn't realize it was going to be this hard so late in the game.........I love T, Em, and Alyson...but we're not as close and my fressie-bear and i were!
Back to the whole boy thing....I have pretty much started focusing crucially on my homework and school and all of that stuff...I mean I have a few crushes but finding a boy isn't driving and directing my life anymore...which is good. I feel better about that...but as soon as I got stronger with that I fell to hell about the jessie thing. I don't know why it bugs me this badly....but I HATE not being able to see her whenever I want....and the same goes for Amra and Ginny....those were my 3 best friends...and it is really hard for me not to have them.
im leaving...goodbye
me