ugh
I'm at Tech and I like it for the most part....except the whole being dissed by this guy that I liked. I don't know why I can't get over it...but I just KNOW that there is something that isn't right with him ditching me. Cuz he's not like other guys who just want some booty.....he pulls the hair away from my face, he kisses me on the forehead and nose, he makes fun of the way I jump...but then when I try to jump normal he says he likes the other way better cuz it's much cuter......and then he just kind of looks at me in the eyes and then he plants a cute little sweet peck on my cheek, or forehead, or nose, or mouth...and it's so sweet. We can just watch t.v. together or a movie.....or talk.....or walk around and I am happier than I remember being in a REALLY long time....and then when we go our separate ways...it's like we were never hanging out. I get so emotionally distressed and I feel like I will never be happy again. I feel like I will live my life in solitude and that is my BIGGEST FEAR! I want to get married and have lots of little babies...well, 3...and I want someone who I know will love me forever....and I want that now...or soon to now. I am so tired of going through all of the Mr. Wrongs...and the Mr. I play a lot of games and all that other bullshit. I am so mad that I used to not want a boyfriend....cuz I haven't experienced a real relationship yet....I mean, Eric, in 9th grade was a semi-relationship based on making out on my couch downstairs every weekend....and we liked each other....but it wasn't based on any real principle or feelings...or even knowing each other. I am ready to experience a real relationship and I feel like no one wants to experience one with me.....at least the guys that I want. There are the random guys here and there who think I'm hot....but that's not enough for me. I want someone who I can study and do homework and go to the library with...and be goofy with and not worry about him ever leaving. (well, for a while anyways) I thought that the boy at school would be my relationship guy....because of all the stuff he said...and how he said that he would look after me...and he gave me advice on which frats NOT to go to because they were dangerous......and he did all those things that I have already mentioned......:-( I get to sad when I think about it....because all I really want is to be in a sweet relationship with a hot guy who is a sweetie....and a little muscular. I don't think that is so much to ask for...but maybe I just need to do my own thing and maybe it will come and maybe it won't...but so far it hasn't come when I'm looking so maybe I should try just chillin out for a little. I can't even think about going to sleep cuz I always dream about being happy with a faceless guy and then when I wakeup to reality in the middle of the night it's not because I am having a night mare....it's because im crying and I shook myself awake trying to fight the tears that I thought were just a dream...but when I wake up they're very real....and they're running down my face and onto my pillow...where there is a puddle of already dropped/fallen tears. When I'm by myself I think about the ways I could have been different or the things that I could have said differently, or done differently and I just quiver. I cringe when I think that I could be alone forever....i hate that feeling! Alright, I think I have severely depressed myself enough for tonight....so I will write more when I have time....
...meh.....
...meh.....