It is April already.
To be or not to be... that is not the question. I am. I have taken up arms against a sea of troubles, this is my past, not my future. I have retreated inside myself for quite a while. I have stopped healing and become bitter, angry, inexpressive. I picked up my binder of prayers and favorite writings. Hamlet spoke to me for a minute. Escaping the orbit of this feeling has been difficult. It is easy in a way to just be a piece of space junk floating aimless in space... waiting until gravity pulls me to a fiery death. All the while spinning in space and only watching the sun rise and set and not experiencing feeling as I live in a vacuum.
I don't feel sorry for my state. I don't feel sorry for myself. Actually I generally feel I deserve it and worse. Any empathy I have is reserved for my family as they cannot walk away from my sorry ass. My flat feelings for my partner MJ are tender on the surface, but not the love I once felt for him. Just another piece of space junk that is near me and is familiar.
The Easter season is here. Regardless of beliefs, one can reflect on personal struggle and resurrection. For believers, we can see a sacrifice and the Spirit of love that comes with that. When I don't feel like space junk, maybe I am just closer to the heavens.
Recently and presently I have been going through changes in my meds. It has been difficult to the sense that drugs invade every part of your body. Cells that are used to some crap, now miss it. And now some new junk is given to keep things steady. I am happy at least that I have not become a nut during this time. My stomach GI track have different things to say of course. My head does not always feel like it is connected... back to that big church bell as my skull and my brain is the clacker. Gong, gong. It is not all that bad. It just takes some getting used to.
Milestones used to be important to me. When looking through my binder, along with Hamlet, prayers, I found this CS Lewis quote:
The safest road to hell is the gradual one
- the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings,
without milestones, without signposts.
The past year or more has felt like that more than ever before. When I first went through the trauma of being wounded, and working my recovery... I had that as a purpose. I have lost my way for sure. Space junk. Today could be any day to me, they all are the same.
I need to make some changes. I can't do it alone. I may turn more here, and I know I will finally ask my family for help in a real way. I need to get up and shower every morning. I need to shave and put on fresh clothes everyday. I need to exercise and read everyday. I need to continue to pray and seek an understanding of my life, now more than ever. Now I have said it. Off my chest and in writing.
My all have a blessed Passover and Easter.
Peace
~A
I don't feel sorry for my state. I don't feel sorry for myself. Actually I generally feel I deserve it and worse. Any empathy I have is reserved for my family as they cannot walk away from my sorry ass. My flat feelings for my partner MJ are tender on the surface, but not the love I once felt for him. Just another piece of space junk that is near me and is familiar.
The Easter season is here. Regardless of beliefs, one can reflect on personal struggle and resurrection. For believers, we can see a sacrifice and the Spirit of love that comes with that. When I don't feel like space junk, maybe I am just closer to the heavens.
Recently and presently I have been going through changes in my meds. It has been difficult to the sense that drugs invade every part of your body. Cells that are used to some crap, now miss it. And now some new junk is given to keep things steady. I am happy at least that I have not become a nut during this time. My stomach GI track have different things to say of course. My head does not always feel like it is connected... back to that big church bell as my skull and my brain is the clacker. Gong, gong. It is not all that bad. It just takes some getting used to.
Milestones used to be important to me. When looking through my binder, along with Hamlet, prayers, I found this CS Lewis quote:
The safest road to hell is the gradual one
- the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings,
without milestones, without signposts.
The past year or more has felt like that more than ever before. When I first went through the trauma of being wounded, and working my recovery... I had that as a purpose. I have lost my way for sure. Space junk. Today could be any day to me, they all are the same.
I need to make some changes. I can't do it alone. I may turn more here, and I know I will finally ask my family for help in a real way. I need to get up and shower every morning. I need to shave and put on fresh clothes everyday. I need to exercise and read everyday. I need to continue to pray and seek an understanding of my life, now more than ever. Now I have said it. Off my chest and in writing.
My all have a blessed Passover and Easter.
Peace
~A