We can never go back to before
It's about time I updated this fucking thing. I'm so consumed with my own emotions at the moment that I think the only way to find solace is to vent through this thing. Unlike my previous emo high school entries I will not apologize for my emotions or my feelings, they are what they are and if it sounds over dramatized or if you can't handle my histrionics I don't care.
Currently I am sitting in my empty bathtub with a pillow and my computer and listening to the rain fall. This is quite difficult with remnants of the flu inside my body and the dim lighting but it will have to do seeing as this is the only place where I can clear my mind (if possible) and just feel free to write whatever the fuck I want. In almost all my classes they have us write journals. I would never think that I would willingly be doing this on a SATURDAY night mind you but I am. The problem at hand is that I feel so pathetic. Everything about me and my life I feel is pathetic. I don't even know where to begin. I think it begins at the whole me not being ready to leave high school and being thrust into college when I wasn't ready thing. I can't let go. NO matter how hard I try. I keep coming back to LA every weekend. That hinders my social life in Irvine but then at the same time I don't want a social life there because all I care about is LA. I keep holding on to the life I had and I'm grieving the life I had and for some nauseating and troubling reason I cannot move on. Everybody else is doing it. What is wrong with me that I can't accept a new life and that I can't dive into it with a positive attitude? The thing that really gets me is that I was actually miserable in high school. You think that they way I talk about LA and my life before college that I loved high school and that I was the most popular kid... but I wasn't and my high school experience wasn't anything like that. I cried and cried because I was so miserable. But then I graduate and I'm miserable in college and suddenly that miserable doesn't seem so miserable to me anymore. You never know how good you had it until its gone. But I miss it. I keep thinking that it was better than it actually was and I want to go back to it. I keep thinking if my mom put me in the grade that I was supposed to be in and I would still be in high school at the moment, would I be happier?
Another thing that I'm stuck on is the people here. My BEST friends are still in high school. They are closer to my age and I feel more comfortable with them. I don't talk to my old best friends anymore and the best friends that I DO have in my grade are in Scotland and Poland. I keep coming to LA to see my best friends who are seniors but what am I going to do next year when they are dispersed through the US and I have no one to come back to? I'm miserable now but how am I going to deal with that heartbreak? I must be the most naive person in the world because I can't accept change and that its a part of life. I am STILL mourning my old life and I can't stop and it's just making me so upset. Tonight while in bed I watched the winter concert again. And I saw all my friends and I felt that I am so misplaced right now. I don't even know in what sense anymore. I feel like I have completely lost myself in Irvine. I don't even know who I am anymore. I wanted a career and to get amazing training there, and now all I want to do is just get a job in LA and get my old life back here. Another thing thats extremely difficult is that I grew up living with only my mom and my dog. We are extremely close and I'm having extreme separation anxiety from her. She is my life and my everything and I miss being around her. I try to take it one day at a time but its so difficult. I think about her and my dog all the time. I keep feeling like I'm missing things in LA. ANd facebook is basically the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I know of parties and everything going on in LA because of it. So I am aware of everything going on and I feel like I'm missing it. Also I can still basically stalk everyone in LA and I'm so envious of them all. Now that thats out I feel a slight weight lifted off of my shoulders but I am still troubled. Thinking about my little hole in the wall aka my dorm room makes me shudder. I feel like I left LA abruptly and with unfinished business with relationships I needed to mend that I didn't...that there were opportunities that I fucked up. I hate that feeling. Nostalgia, regret, home sickness, and nausea are the worst. And they are all what I am feeling right now. If I spend anymore time feeling bad for myself I will throw up and not because of my flu. I miss being healthy, I think this flu has mentally fucked me up as well. Being stuck in a dorm room for 4 days was awful. OK I really am done now.
love actually,
erin ashley goldman
Currently I am sitting in my empty bathtub with a pillow and my computer and listening to the rain fall. This is quite difficult with remnants of the flu inside my body and the dim lighting but it will have to do seeing as this is the only place where I can clear my mind (if possible) and just feel free to write whatever the fuck I want. In almost all my classes they have us write journals. I would never think that I would willingly be doing this on a SATURDAY night mind you but I am. The problem at hand is that I feel so pathetic. Everything about me and my life I feel is pathetic. I don't even know where to begin. I think it begins at the whole me not being ready to leave high school and being thrust into college when I wasn't ready thing. I can't let go. NO matter how hard I try. I keep coming back to LA every weekend. That hinders my social life in Irvine but then at the same time I don't want a social life there because all I care about is LA. I keep holding on to the life I had and I'm grieving the life I had and for some nauseating and troubling reason I cannot move on. Everybody else is doing it. What is wrong with me that I can't accept a new life and that I can't dive into it with a positive attitude? The thing that really gets me is that I was actually miserable in high school. You think that they way I talk about LA and my life before college that I loved high school and that I was the most popular kid... but I wasn't and my high school experience wasn't anything like that. I cried and cried because I was so miserable. But then I graduate and I'm miserable in college and suddenly that miserable doesn't seem so miserable to me anymore. You never know how good you had it until its gone. But I miss it. I keep thinking that it was better than it actually was and I want to go back to it. I keep thinking if my mom put me in the grade that I was supposed to be in and I would still be in high school at the moment, would I be happier?
Another thing that I'm stuck on is the people here. My BEST friends are still in high school. They are closer to my age and I feel more comfortable with them. I don't talk to my old best friends anymore and the best friends that I DO have in my grade are in Scotland and Poland. I keep coming to LA to see my best friends who are seniors but what am I going to do next year when they are dispersed through the US and I have no one to come back to? I'm miserable now but how am I going to deal with that heartbreak? I must be the most naive person in the world because I can't accept change and that its a part of life. I am STILL mourning my old life and I can't stop and it's just making me so upset. Tonight while in bed I watched the winter concert again. And I saw all my friends and I felt that I am so misplaced right now. I don't even know in what sense anymore. I feel like I have completely lost myself in Irvine. I don't even know who I am anymore. I wanted a career and to get amazing training there, and now all I want to do is just get a job in LA and get my old life back here. Another thing thats extremely difficult is that I grew up living with only my mom and my dog. We are extremely close and I'm having extreme separation anxiety from her. She is my life and my everything and I miss being around her. I try to take it one day at a time but its so difficult. I think about her and my dog all the time. I keep feeling like I'm missing things in LA. ANd facebook is basically the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I know of parties and everything going on in LA because of it. So I am aware of everything going on and I feel like I'm missing it. Also I can still basically stalk everyone in LA and I'm so envious of them all. Now that thats out I feel a slight weight lifted off of my shoulders but I am still troubled. Thinking about my little hole in the wall aka my dorm room makes me shudder. I feel like I left LA abruptly and with unfinished business with relationships I needed to mend that I didn't...that there were opportunities that I fucked up. I hate that feeling. Nostalgia, regret, home sickness, and nausea are the worst. And they are all what I am feeling right now. If I spend anymore time feeling bad for myself I will throw up and not because of my flu. I miss being healthy, I think this flu has mentally fucked me up as well. Being stuck in a dorm room for 4 days was awful. OK I really am done now.
love actually,
erin ashley goldman