(no subject)
I often wonder just why I bother. When it becomes obvious my presence is more tolerated than it is enjoyed...
When I'm more some amusement to play with when it's suitable, than someone to take seriously and donate some time to.
More and more often it happens. Leaves me wondering why I even bother waking up in the morning. Walking out of my room when I get up. Signing into MSN/AIM/IRC...
It's hardly worth it, really. I'm not 'rejected' so to speak. If I were outright rejected or shunned it would be a confirmation and hence I could get angry. No. It's just a 'toleration', which leads me to question whether they value me or not. It's the fear that keeps me in check, keeps me depressed, stops me from getting angry.
I hate being tolerated! Love me or hate me, don't put me in the middle ground! I can't stand being 'just another person' in the grey, I need to be in the light or in the dark.
I really don't care if people put be in the dark, or blacklist me, or hate me. I've gotten it enough to be totally used to it. At least they've made a decision. And I know I'll never shine for anyone so I don't expect that.
I hate feeling used. Being used.
Knowing that the feeling comes entirely from me and no-one external has anything do with it at all... That a common-place gesture from them will leave me a quivering wreck inside, purely terrified that they're another person who merely tolerates me.
Why do I fail at being liked? At being loved? I know I'm a bad person but surely I'm not THAT bad... I can't be that bad, can I? Then my parents would be right =/
Then I would be better off just leaving... Everything...
I literally feel like throwing up. Internal shudders wracking my body, pushing pressure into my stomach, lungs and heart.
All because of intense emotions. I'm pretty sure I could die if I just willed it to happen strong enough, so great a sway do they have over me.
I can't be that bad... Unless there's just something about myself that even I'm blind to see. I guess self-hatred does blind you to the truth though, I've definately been called blind often enough.
I just hoped I'd be worth the time one day, for someone. For anyone. One day.
When I'm more some amusement to play with when it's suitable, than someone to take seriously and donate some time to.
More and more often it happens. Leaves me wondering why I even bother waking up in the morning. Walking out of my room when I get up. Signing into MSN/AIM/IRC...
It's hardly worth it, really. I'm not 'rejected' so to speak. If I were outright rejected or shunned it would be a confirmation and hence I could get angry. No. It's just a 'toleration', which leads me to question whether they value me or not. It's the fear that keeps me in check, keeps me depressed, stops me from getting angry.
I hate being tolerated! Love me or hate me, don't put me in the middle ground! I can't stand being 'just another person' in the grey, I need to be in the light or in the dark.
I really don't care if people put be in the dark, or blacklist me, or hate me. I've gotten it enough to be totally used to it. At least they've made a decision. And I know I'll never shine for anyone so I don't expect that.
I hate feeling used. Being used.
Knowing that the feeling comes entirely from me and no-one external has anything do with it at all... That a common-place gesture from them will leave me a quivering wreck inside, purely terrified that they're another person who merely tolerates me.
Why do I fail at being liked? At being loved? I know I'm a bad person but surely I'm not THAT bad... I can't be that bad, can I? Then my parents would be right =/
Then I would be better off just leaving... Everything...
I literally feel like throwing up. Internal shudders wracking my body, pushing pressure into my stomach, lungs and heart.
All because of intense emotions. I'm pretty sure I could die if I just willed it to happen strong enough, so great a sway do they have over me.
I can't be that bad... Unless there's just something about myself that even I'm blind to see. I guess self-hatred does blind you to the truth though, I've definately been called blind often enough.
I just hoped I'd be worth the time one day, for someone. For anyone. One day.