not a good day
I'm already having a terrible day and it's only just started. I'm sick, with really bad congestion; so bad that it's putting pressure on all my teeth so all my cavities and broken teeth hurt. I didn't sleep well because of horrible nightmares the last few days also. It's Halloween and I'm usually pumped up and working and ready for a night of hell, but I've come to utterly loathe everyone and everything about that place for various degrees of deceit and decadence, which I can't stand anymore. I really think that that place ate too many of my morals away over the years, and I was content to let it, and now I feel alone and broken. I can't use any sort of emotion as a crutch, and find that no chemical seems strong enough to get away from a life of constant disappointment. I'm conforming to a corporate job of a repetitive (although entertaining) useless task, and this is sadly eating away at something inside me from yet another end.
A lot of the time I feel like one of the Lost Boys, wandering with no direction, grasping at something I might have wanted, but don't remember. I feel like there is no transitive point to the really real world, and that I might be stuck in this rut forever, always knocking myself down, or being chained by what I believe is something else, to this banal existence whether it be setbacks by emotional trauma, financial issues, or psychological incapability to be functional member of society. Often I feel like the only future I have is to end up being a decrepit old pirate, and never really leaving Neverland, haunted by an incessant ticking as a warning that my time will come soon.
Along with this, even more so when I use drugs, I feel a very strong connection to the Odyssey. I don't know whether I'm a Fallen or Tragic hero, mostly because often I feel worthless, and I don't know if I am a hero to anyone or not, but that very well may be. Perhaps this lack of direction and melancholy is my tragic flaw, never feeling good enough for the world, my family, or ...anyone really. I keep wandering from place to place, person to person, life to life, trying to find home. I might settle for awhile, and forget myself for a strange moment, but eventually I realize I'm not home, and I'm not happy. I don't even remember the last time I was really happy or content. I always feel like I should have done more, and I should have tried harder, at everything. This is despite a heap of minor achievements and awards throughout my life that don't ever really mean anything to me. I still don't feel justified or content. I'm so lost I don't even know what I'm trying to prove to who. I don't know how to define success. I don't see any milestones in my life that even mean anything.
I got my record deal. I made a movie that despite it being not very good, was very entertaining and well enjoyed. I've had memorable celebrity feuds. I put on the metal shows people still talk about five years later when bands you've waited for years aren't even a memory anymore. As a child I was even a karate champion that competed at the national level...I somehow managed to become a national level champion at dungeons and dragons. Rather then winning Mr. or Mrs. spooky locally, I gained a title even more memorable and notoriety being the only one ever disqualified (That IS something! None of you ever forget that!) I even work for the television company I always wanted to if I were to work in television. Yet at the end of the day, I never feel content, and never feel justified or accepted, and I don't even know or remember who I'm supposed to impress. Before I felt like I needed to be remembered after I'm gone. I don't know why, other than simple human nature, but there are more and more times when I feel like I just want to fade away and be completely forgotten by time. I just want to be dust scattered in the earth, toiled with all the other dirt. I often want to have never been. I feel like I'm wandering forever in Nod with some sort of mark on my face at times, and everyone and everything, even if they hate me, are afraid to destroy me because something worse might come. Every step i take, there I am, back in the middle, never one step forward, or one step back: space just always warping and twisting around me, and I can never rest or find true solace. I don't have hate or revenge against anyone or anything to embrace, nothing strong enough to clad around myself except a cuirass of defeat, whether through the self or attribution to others. Sometimes maybe I do the things I do, like destroying friendships and ideals, because I want others to feel as hurt and lost as I do. I sometimes want other people, sometimes everyone, to feel the emptiness and pain i have inside. the pain of constantly being with eyes open, and the eventual decay of belief in anything. Women, Gods, Idols, Heroes, Friends, The Self...eventually time will slay belief and faith within them all with ease. I don't even know.
One time, and I don't remember if it was a good or bad trip, but I was reaching up to the sky or ceiling, I'm not sure which when I reached out to them whispering "I want to believe in angels" but all they did was circle about like vultures waiting for my soul to burn away. One of them landed and tore off its wings. It dropped it's amour, and cut off all its hair with it's sword, and dropped that too. The clanging of metal resounded for what seemed like an eternity. I looked up and saw myself, and I’m not quite sure what that was supposed to mean.