there we were, washed up on the curb...
no sleep.
noo sleeeep makes me craaaazyyyyy....
aside from the fact that i have not gotten anything productive done, i have spent the majority of my money, and i am currently rather nocturnal, i feel more alive in the past week or two than i have in a long time. even in the midst of a lot of crud..
that is a good feeling.
this not-sleeping thing is a little funny, because one would hope that a scattered mind would just die off with no sleep and settle into a calm oblivion... but no. not my scattered mind.
so much going on with sloane..
so much making both of us wonder..
it's not so much that i'm deep-in-the-depths-of-my-inner-shadows depressed about it.. i think it's more so that for the first time in my life i have a disturbingly objective view of my lifespan. i could have a good 80 years left...
i have so much life ahead of me.
so much i could do.
so much sloane could do, too.
i think it's something crisp to me, like a not-uncomfortably chilly morning; the awareness, the clarity... the knowledge that the sun is oh-so-present despite the distance between yourself and that heat.
i think for her it is something bigger.. scarier.. and i hate that.
you can't alleviate anyone's fear, though... you can only offer distraction, which seems to be what we have been for some time: distracted.
...and i'm not psychic. not with this.
and i'm trying to let that be okay, the not-knowing..
it's a tricky thing: two people trying to grasp the question of: am i where i should be?
tell me how you can ever know that..
sigh.
okay. nap.
need nap.
if that is possible...
noo sleeeep makes me craaaazyyyyy....
aside from the fact that i have not gotten anything productive done, i have spent the majority of my money, and i am currently rather nocturnal, i feel more alive in the past week or two than i have in a long time. even in the midst of a lot of crud..
that is a good feeling.
this not-sleeping thing is a little funny, because one would hope that a scattered mind would just die off with no sleep and settle into a calm oblivion... but no. not my scattered mind.
so much going on with sloane..
so much making both of us wonder..
it's not so much that i'm deep-in-the-depths-of-my-inner-shadows depressed about it.. i think it's more so that for the first time in my life i have a disturbingly objective view of my lifespan. i could have a good 80 years left...
i have so much life ahead of me.
so much i could do.
so much sloane could do, too.
i think it's something crisp to me, like a not-uncomfortably chilly morning; the awareness, the clarity... the knowledge that the sun is oh-so-present despite the distance between yourself and that heat.
i think for her it is something bigger.. scarier.. and i hate that.
you can't alleviate anyone's fear, though... you can only offer distraction, which seems to be what we have been for some time: distracted.
...and i'm not psychic. not with this.
and i'm trying to let that be okay, the not-knowing..
it's a tricky thing: two people trying to grasp the question of: am i where i should be?
tell me how you can ever know that..
sigh.
okay. nap.
need nap.
if that is possible...