Chapter 59: Pig Snot
Today’s object lesson is that dyslexic authors should make sure to get a competent proofreader, and the consequences of blithely ignoring said lesson make up this chapter’s main source of mirth. Each sentence goes on forever without making sense at any point. As my mother pointed out upon reading this, Gary Stu stands for Garrulous and Stupid.
Best New Word: Hmm, tough one. I’ll go with “frim”. Is that like being frum? Is Snape Jewish?
The wand makers’ apprentice
(the fic’s summary:)
What if when Harry was going to get his wand, he met a strange boy, who could change the colour of his hair at will, instead. What if this boy gave Harry a different wand, a better one. How much difference can a wand really make? R&R
*
Suddenly from behind the mountain of boxes appeared a very mucky boy, no old than Harry himself, the boy wore thick dark goggles and a brown sustained leather apron and thick skinned leather boots, with elbow length gloves, he was also head to tow in what looked to be a very many number of different substances, and the parts of his skin that could be seen shimmered like car oil on water.
"Good afternoon." The boy exclaimed happily "you must be here for a wand, I'm afraid that Mr Ollivander isn't here right now. He just popped out to get some more potions and ingredients, so I'll be the one that will be servicing you today instead…oh sorry”
*
"I'm sorry,” the boy said as he then reappeared from behind boxes, clean, as if he had just stepped out of the shower, Harry looked at the boy in amazement, as the boys hair began to grow from his bald head and change different colours as it did, the hair stopped growing when it reached a Navy style crew cut length, the colour of the hair never stuck to one particular colour, it just kept changing from one colour to the next.
“My name is Morris, Russell Morris, I’m Mr Ollivander’s new apprentice, and you must be…” Morris pull a small piece paper from his pocket, and unfolded it “Rubeus Hagrid, and you…” he read off the piece of paper “Harry James Potter, for wand fitting” a large white smile appeared on Morris’s face as he turned to Harry “so that that, shall we get started then, which is your favoured hand?”
*
Morris stopped looking at the shelve of boxes, and looked down to Hagrid “I’m sorry Mr Hagrid, but I’m going to have to ask you leave, only for a while, I’m gonna have to ask a lot more questions, a lot answers Harry most likely won’t want to answer, and expectantly in front of an adult, I’d think you and Harry would prefer it that you wait outside, and then I can get this done as quick as possible”
*
As soon as the shut, the questions started “are you, or have you ever been sexually active?” Morris asked this question as if he were asking for the time of day, or the weather.
“What?” Harry asked in surprise “you must be joking? What’s stuff…stuff like…you know…that got to do with wands” this question only caused Morris, spin on his heels on the stool he was standing on.
“Wandlore is a very, very, very complex and mysterious branch of magic, I know the question may sound silly, but it all effects, in some small way, the wand that is right for you, so just answer what I ask you, and with no lie, I may not be a good as Mr Ollivander in Legilimency, but I’m good enough to no when I’m being lie to” Morris eyes then locked on to Harry’s “now tell me, are you, or have you ever been sexually active?” there was a small on Morris’s lip this time he said it.
Twenty minutes latter, they’d finished the questioning, leaving Harry with a very red face, as Morris now handed him wand after wand, tack them off him after split seconds of pass them to him, one Morris pulled away so fast, Harry thought he madde it disappear.
*
“Harry could you pass me that veil of silvery blue liquid” Harry pointed to a veil on the second shelf on the other side of room “yeah that it, thanks”
*
“Now, did you say you like snakes?”
“Well…I kinder do, I once set a python on my cousin Dudley” Harry smiled at the memory of the zoo.
“Is this the cousin that beats you, and whose dad used to lock you under the stairs?” Morris asked as he started widdling and carving the wand.
*
Morris stopped his widdling for a second and looked over his shoulder to Harry
*
“it symbolizes your freedom, and your new start in life, normally is cost a fortune to get something like this done, but because were friends now, and it your birthday, you can pay the normal boring wand cost, 5 gallons” Morris started to blush, making his hair and eyes blush pink as well.
“That’s so so… no ones ever done something like this for me before, your really my friend” Harry said, trying his hardest no to let the tears that were so desperately trying not to fall from his eyes.
“Of cause you are Harry, I don’t make a wand for anybody, I’d reaper one if I thought it could be hazardous, but you don’t just make a wand for anybody Harry, well go on tack it”
*
“Sorry about the rush ‘arry” Hagrid apologised “’ought we’ be ‘ate fer the train,
*
“Can I sit here?” he point to the seat next to the boy opposite Harry “everywhere else is full” Harry and the boy shook their heads , and the red head sat down next to the boy, who move so that red head could out the window.
*
“I’m Hermione, Hermione Granger, this Neville Longbottom” she turn to the boy that Harry only now noticed, she pull the Neville into Harry the compartment, and sat next Harry, she then held out her hand, the boy shook it happily.
*
Hermione, Harry, Ron and Neville all stared at him in amazement, Ron finally spoke shaking “you’re Russell Morris the world’s youngest winner of the Order of Merlin, seventh sorcerer, Warlock of the year, International Confed. of Wizards and master of Spellcraft, why didn’t you tell us?!”
*
Three boys entered the compartment, Harry recognised one of the boy as the same pale one he’d seen in Madam Malkin’s. The other two boys were as thick in body, as Harry reckoned they were in mind, and reminded Harry of his cosine Dudley on a bad day.
*
“thought we lost you back there, found your glasses did you, where were they?” he asked, he raised an thin, blonde eyebrow questionably.
*
Draco was cut off by a tall slim woman, with black-haired and darkish green robes.
*
They pasted four large tables, all littered with students, gossiping about their holidays, before Harry knew it they were standing in front of a large table, with many strange looking wizard’s and witch’s, Harry assumed to be the teachers, and not some sort of interviewing board of directors, like in law show, his uncle Vernon liked to watch, so that he could yell at the screen.
*
Harry looked at the teachers once again, and like before his wand began shaking madly, and he began to feel ill.
*
Morris, walked gracefully and sat upon the stool, and winked at Harry before his head was covered by the hat. Harry watched intently, as very second gone by brought truncheons began to rise, the hat could be seen muttering to Morris.
*
Harry found he couldn’t focus with the rest of the sorting, he was contemplating the hats words, ‘‘your friend was right about you-said you wished to prove yourself, thought you be a greatSlytherin’ that could only be Morris, or Malfoy,’ Harry thought as he looked over to the Slytherin, next to his. Malfoy did not look happy, he looked rather confused and embarrassed ‘probable not Malfoy then, Morris, a particularly memory what memory, how does Morris know my memory’s?’
*
Morris listened rubbing his chine as he did.
*
“What’s four?” Hermione butted in rudely, asking the question on anyone who was listening mind, Morris stared at her though a deep brow before answering.
*
Dumbledore began the begging of term speech.
*
There was something in his smile that Harry recognised, and it wasn’t good, it was then that Harry knew that this was deftly going to be weird year.
*
Harry stood mouth slightly ajar in amazement, the Gryffindor common room was amazing.
*
Percy showed the boys were their dormitory was, at the top of yet more stairs so that they were in a tower, the boys quickly found their beds thanks to Morris who said that they were to sleep in alphabetical order, as that was why their trunks had been placed by different beds. The beds were like nothing Harry had only ever dreamed about.
*
Morris reaching into his doctors bag and pulled out a smallluminous white look unlabeled vials from it, and a small bowl, he then started adding things into it.
“What are doing doing?” Harry whispered, so not to wake anybody.
*
Harry had a very strange dream that night, more like a nightmare really. He had been sitting front of the whole school just like the sorting, but instead of the sorting hat on his head he was wearing Professor Quirrell turbid, and it was telling him to be in Slytherin, and that it was his destiny, the turbid then began to crush him, then Draco and the Professor with the dark eyes appeared laughing at him telling him he was in the wrong house. Harry couldn’t move or breath because of Professor Quirrell turbid, but then Morris appeared and took his hands into his, he smiled at Harry, his eyes sparkling blue as he repeated over and over “it is our own choices in life, that show what we truly are” he began pulling Harry away from the dream.
*
Morris’s wand was made of pale wood that glowed, white and brightly in the class room, though what Harry saw was usual was that in the wood of the wand was a fusion of what looked like a silver chain and the tip was made of a very sharp, knife like, diamond and at the wands pummel was a massive one an half inch, brilliant, old European cut, diamond which Harry thought he saw a insignia on, but it hard to tell with the way that it shone light and rainbows around the classroom.
*
Draco Malfoy and his guns Crabbe and Goyle sniggered loudly behind their hands.
*
Snape then arrest the class “You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potionmaking," he began.
*
Snape’s voice was frim and uncompromising “one last question perhaps, what is the different between monkshood and wolfs-bane?”
Harry had to force himself not to laugh, he knew this one because it was the punch line of Morris’s crappie joke “their isn’t one, it all the same plant, Aconite”
*
Snape walked round the classroom making remarks on everyone potions, except for Draco’s, for some reason he seemed to like him, and how they handed ingredients, until he made a remark on Morris handing abilities, which ended with Snape being proved wrong and Gryffindor lousing twenty seven house points, but as Ron had said ‘it was worth it to see Snape sweat under-presser’.
*
It wasn’t long before the end of the lesson that word got out about Professor Snape’s lousing the argument with Morris, and also how Morris managed to stare the evil potions master of staring down, the twins were even said to of made a moving banned of the staring match in the great hall, but Snape destroyed it before anyone else could see it.
*
Harry and Ron were cold so they sat on the chairs closest to the fire, were Morris sat furriest away, say that he was to warm.
*
“Professor Flitwick may I please have a word with Mr Wood” a burly fifth-year boy came out of the classroom, looking as confused as Harry had bunging to feel.
*
“I believe, Mr Wood, I have found Gryffindores newest Seeker”
Flibe
“You’ve got to be joking”
*
“Goodbye” Ron said following Harry up to the Gryffindor common room.
Filp
“You two are idiots” Morris said, after Harry and Ron finished telling him about what happened after he left “you guys don’t know the first thing about a wizard’s dual, you ediots”
*
Hermione stood up from behind the armchair, in a pink dressing-gown, with a small pig, on the shoulder.
*
“How can you tel-” Hermione asked, but Morris turned to look at her his pulps were massively dilated and filled his eye sockets.
*
“The passwords ‘pig snot’ but it won’t help the fat lady’s gone” Harry said “how’s your arm?”
*
Ron took his arm from Morris back and hit him over the head with it
*
“Alohomora”there was a loud clucking noise from the other side of the door as it unlocked.
*
Morris was griping tightly to his wand as he rocked back and forth, hiding his head and tears in the sleeves of his school cloak.
*
Harry wasn’t sure if it was because he was busy with Quidditch practise, homework or being forced to study potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts with Ron, by the strong hand of Morris, but before he knew it two mouths had passed.
*
The next morning Harry felt overwhelmed with emotion, at first he thought it was nerves because of his up coming game, but then it changed,. His head felt like it was going to explode, he couldn’t stop sweating and he could hardly touch his own wand without it shaking violently.
*
“do you remember what happened?” Morris asked sadly.
Harry stared at him for a few seconds, before tightly shaking his head “nothing after you pulled me away from the Slytherin table” Harry said his voice strangely scratchy and horse as if he’d been yelling for days with out stop.
“Magic wipe lash, I’m afraid” Morris shrugged.
*
“I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier” Hermione said as they entered the library, which only got her a loud ‘shhh’ from Madam Prince.
*
“No wonder Snape wants it, anyone would, could you imagine” Harry said wondrously.
*
“Anyway back to the game, Flint, Slytherin captain lines up to the gaol with the Quaffle, he shoots.”
*
Slytherin had just scored, making the two teams equal, and then suddenly Harry saw it, the Snitch. It was flying above the Slytherin centre gaol post.
*
Dumbledore was silent for second “No, not always for the worse Harry, but never for the better”
“You don’t think I should use the spell again professor?” Harry asked tenderly.
“I think you should use that particular spell in moderation dear boy, in moderation”
*
Harry wished he could of gone to a privet hospital like Higgs had done, he was fixed up over night and back in school two days later, but Harry wasn’t allowed.
*
“Don’t yell at her!” Morris said, his voice filled with a deep dangerous growl as he moved forward in front of Hermione, protecting her like the three headed guard dog was protecting the trap door on the third fool corridor.
*
Harry nodded, smiled at Ron and gave him the thumps up.
*
Having breakfast in the almost empty hall, with the Weasley twins was an adventure. Avoiding eating one of their magic Christmas sweets that made you sing Christmas songs for the whole day they tried sneaking into his fried eggs.
The Hunter
(the fic’s summary:)
The war turned into a slaughter and to escape death Harry must fight in it a second time, the question is can he stop everyone he cares about from being killed the second time around? This time though Harry doesn't intend to leave anyone alive.
*
Not even bothering to draw his wand Harry banished Snape into the wall behind him and followed it up with a pummel and striking curse. They were nowhere near the most damaging spells in his arsenal but against Snape’s unprotected ribs the spells had the desired effect as the loud cracks attested to. Harry however wasn’t finished, he thrust his glowing hands forward and hissed the incantation, to the frozen onlookers it almost seemed as if he slipped into Parseltongue.
“Crucio.”
Casting the Unforgivable wandlessly drained his magical core more then the same spell cast by a wand would but as he had found out when he killed Antonin Dolohov it was much more satisfying. Snape’s screams merely added to it.
Sensing a discharge of magic Harry ended the torture curse and spun away from the stunner, drawing his twin wands as he did so. A Bubble Shield Charm erupted from the end of the one in his left hand and surrounded him while the other was pointed straight at his attacker- Dumbledore.
“Keep your dog on a leash old man or next time you can start looking for a new spy,” Dumbledore opened his mouth to say something, no doubt reprimand him but Harry wasn’t finished “That bastards Occlumency lessons are classed as mind rape by the Code of Occlumens and I don’t trust him no matter what you say. If he does something that I don’t like again I will kill him.”
*
AN- So what do ya think? Please review I need feedback. A note about Harry, he is not evil he is powerful, dark and suffering post traumatic stress disorder I think it’s called. The world that he travelled from he had watched all of the people he considered friends and family be killed and watched Voldemort take over.
Their Graduation
(the fic’s summary:)
Harry Ron and Hermione went back to hogwarts to finish their seventh year. They graduated with Ginny and her year. this is what happens when two Weasley's graduate at the same time. uhm... i think its fluff. I'm not sure. Thats how thick i am.
*
A/N: I'm not sure if I used the term 'screw you' right. Please tell me if I used it wrong (I know, I should know this kind of thing) Dictionary didn't help much so yeah.
*
“Next up, is miss Ginevra Weasley,” Mr. Kingsley Shacklebolt, minister of magic (mom for short) said.