Stephanie
Yesterday my aunt Stephanie, or my mom's sister, who lived next door to us, died in her sleep... it is not very surprising, since she was in poor health and all, but still... it isn't easy to handle in my mind. I was getting ready to go to work when the med trucks pulled in... and now I'm feeling guilty for not having spent any time with her, for looking down on her for being a heroin addict, as if that really meant anything or made her any less valuable as a person... because she wasn't nasty or cruel... she was... so why did I...
I took more interest in her pets than in her, and that just isn't right.
This is the second time this has happened... first there was Grandpa Burl, whom I never took the time to connect with... and now Stephanie... I have left most of my family in the cold, and I wonder how many more times this will happen, and how many more times I will be left feeling like a heartless bastard... when will my compassion win over my apathy, and my courage outweigh my fear? When? I try and I fail... I'm so selective... and now I am beginning to understand how Cor feels about herself, how she's being hard on herself... and to think I was lecturing her about it, that only trying to connect with those you can relate to and understand is okay, and you don't need to beat yourself about it... which is true, but shouldn't we try and reach further, to change ourselves for the better and to the benefit of all, to save our family and a stranger or two from a lonesome death, if we can...
At least she was willing to admit her guilt, and not just try and justify it like I've been trying to do... and if you're reading this Cor, I'm sorry for lecturing you in my comment to your blog... what right do I have? You may be a 'fucking wreck' of a human being, as are we all, but at least you are honest about it... and that goes to show the good in you...
Today I walked Stephanie's dog, Shasta (a real sweetheart), and fed and watered her and Stef's cat, Roxy (or Roxanne)... Shasta has a sad look in her eyes... I think instinctually she knows what's happened, and though she's happy to see me and go for a walk, she misses her mommy...
When Stef's place is all cleaned up (and it's a mess, since her poor health didn't allow her to keep up on things) and cleaned out, recarpeted and repainted, my mom and I may move in there, since my Grandma Taj paid for both our trailer and Stephanie's, and she's a co-signer and all... it's a little bigger, with a few more perks, and a small yard for a dog... which means eventually we may end up with Shasta, if that's how it goes...
And if that happens, our cat Molly (who's a real hassle and a little bitch when it comes to sharing her space) better get used to the idea... but all of this remains to be seen, and I don't like the idea of benefiting from the death of another human being... I felt bad enough about benefiting from my Grandpa's death, with the inheritance and all...
Time will tell....
But, on to other things...
I finished out my first week of training, and so far I'm doing okay, though it is physically demanding... though I can handle that... so far I've been treated well, and none of my supervisors have pushed me or upset me in any way as in previous jobs... :o)
I'm waiting to see what happens with Amber, and I'm hoping to meet her sometime... I want our first meeting to be friendly, and this time around I don't wanna push things, as I have so foolishly before... so I wanna get it right this time... she may be the girl I'm looking for, for all I know...
At least I hope so. :o)
Other than these things, not much else on my mind.
So till next time...
I took more interest in her pets than in her, and that just isn't right.
This is the second time this has happened... first there was Grandpa Burl, whom I never took the time to connect with... and now Stephanie... I have left most of my family in the cold, and I wonder how many more times this will happen, and how many more times I will be left feeling like a heartless bastard... when will my compassion win over my apathy, and my courage outweigh my fear? When? I try and I fail... I'm so selective... and now I am beginning to understand how Cor feels about herself, how she's being hard on herself... and to think I was lecturing her about it, that only trying to connect with those you can relate to and understand is okay, and you don't need to beat yourself about it... which is true, but shouldn't we try and reach further, to change ourselves for the better and to the benefit of all, to save our family and a stranger or two from a lonesome death, if we can...
At least she was willing to admit her guilt, and not just try and justify it like I've been trying to do... and if you're reading this Cor, I'm sorry for lecturing you in my comment to your blog... what right do I have? You may be a 'fucking wreck' of a human being, as are we all, but at least you are honest about it... and that goes to show the good in you...
Today I walked Stephanie's dog, Shasta (a real sweetheart), and fed and watered her and Stef's cat, Roxy (or Roxanne)... Shasta has a sad look in her eyes... I think instinctually she knows what's happened, and though she's happy to see me and go for a walk, she misses her mommy...
When Stef's place is all cleaned up (and it's a mess, since her poor health didn't allow her to keep up on things) and cleaned out, recarpeted and repainted, my mom and I may move in there, since my Grandma Taj paid for both our trailer and Stephanie's, and she's a co-signer and all... it's a little bigger, with a few more perks, and a small yard for a dog... which means eventually we may end up with Shasta, if that's how it goes...
And if that happens, our cat Molly (who's a real hassle and a little bitch when it comes to sharing her space) better get used to the idea... but all of this remains to be seen, and I don't like the idea of benefiting from the death of another human being... I felt bad enough about benefiting from my Grandpa's death, with the inheritance and all...
Time will tell....
But, on to other things...
I finished out my first week of training, and so far I'm doing okay, though it is physically demanding... though I can handle that... so far I've been treated well, and none of my supervisors have pushed me or upset me in any way as in previous jobs... :o)
I'm waiting to see what happens with Amber, and I'm hoping to meet her sometime... I want our first meeting to be friendly, and this time around I don't wanna push things, as I have so foolishly before... so I wanna get it right this time... she may be the girl I'm looking for, for all I know...
At least I hope so. :o)
Other than these things, not much else on my mind.
So till next time...