Miss It.
I'm really tired. I want to sleep until it's deep into fall when all the trees are red and yellow and I can finally breathe. I am tired of all the newness of school and the teachers pretending like we can't handle a bit of homework. I just want to live each day and know I remembered to enjoy it. I think I'm done with work. I don't think I ever have to go back. So I never will. I hated that job. Fucking hated being everyone's bitch. I am sick of people thinking I'm some stupid, worthless little girl. I am so anxious for applications. I'm scared to death and I'm so excited for it all. I think people don't realize that I am bright. I do very well in school and I have just majorly big goals. I am just waiting for my time to really shine. I sometimes get this sensation like I'm suffocating. I feel like the mountains are too close.. the hills too brown. I want to drive far and far and far. I want to run and run and run until I no longer recognize a thing around me, a single person. I need to stretch my limbs and my mind and my heart to a capacity that this town can't contain. I am tired of the small talk, the awkwardness, the hesitation, the organization. Ms. Butler says I'm an abstract random. I guess this means all this is supposed to apply: http://www.csrnet.org/csrnet/articles/learning-styles-AR.html I think it's a bit of a hazy line and makes me sound like a bit of a dreamer. Maybe I am. I'm just tired. I'm sad and lonely and a bit lost these days. I don't really know where to go with myself. I just wanna sit down and do a painting or something. Or maybe get really fucked up. I haven't drank in over a year and I don't really want to. I miss Chrissy and Sammy. I miss Windsor being my haven. The place where nothing would hurt and everything was just so okay all the time. I miss dancing in the parking lot to Led Zeppelin from Sammy's little "Maria" Toyota. I miss Chrissy's bales of hay in the back of her Yoda and I miss Kevin's weird little behavior and his smiles. I miss climbing the ladder as fast as I could and running lightly on the roofs of Safeway so I could lay on the edge of the roof and look up at the clock tower of the town I grew up in offset by stars and deep, dark sky. I miss the creek and the ropeswings that were always getting chopped unceremoniously down by the people at the old folk's home.. and I miss four-wheeling there even though it made me want to cry in terror. I miss pizza and creepy waiters who knew our orders by heart.. and standing in Baskin Robbin's freezer until it hurt my head and then writing all over the bathroom mirrors in hot pink pen things like "YOU LOOK SEXY!" and "BITCH FACE!". Those were the days. I felt like a real kid. Like an impulsive, happy, absolutely care-free teenager and it felt like Heaven. I walked Emma tonight. I walked and walked and stopped when she wanted to stop. Suddenly I realized that I didn't know where I even wanted to go. I didn't even work out anything in my head. I just turned around and went home. I'm tired of this. I want to feel like I have a purpose again. I miss Cameron and I being utterly happy all the fucking time. I miss the bliss of laughing till I'm crying and skinny dipping in Sammy's pool while tipsy after testing all my alcoholic concoctions before handing them off to my two best friends. I miss the girl I was.. the girl I AM.