Bad actors with bad habits...
Today I woke up from a nightmare and rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling. Lynda came in my room and told me to hurry up and get ready cos we were leaving soon. I didn't really know where we were going but I got ready anyway. I didn't even bother putting on make-up.
Today in the car I asked Lynda where we were going and she said, "To see your mother." You see, she is leaving for Big Bear today. Today is the last day I'll get to see her or my old house. Or Eric.
Today I stepped out of the car and walked up the drive way to greet my grandfather. I asked him where my mother was and he said she was out with my step-grandmother, Karen, and that they'd be back soon.
So I waited.
When they showed up, people started to throw useless things away and such. Packing up. Cleaning the house. Getting the animals in boxes to take up to Big Bear. But it didn't really hit me that they were leaving.
Today I sat in an empty room and I pet my cat for half an hour. I could feel him purring, I knew he was happy then.
Today I kissed my cat on the nose and put him in a box. Knowing we wouldn't see each other for a long while. I know I'll miss him.
Today I saw my mother sitting in a chair. At first glace she looked tired. Her face was in her hands. But at second glace... I realized she was crying. I walked over to her and put my hand on her shoulder and told her everything would be alright, even though I had no idea.
She looked up at me and said, "I know. I know. But it's just really hard." And that's when I started to cry, too.
She said, "I'm so sorry about everything I put you through. I'm so sorry. I hate myself for it. And I love you. You might not believe me. But I love you so much." And I just cried harder. I wasn't really sure why. But for some reason, that really hurt.
Today I realized that it was the last day my mother would ever see Eric, her boyfriend, again. And I felt horrible for all those times I'd said I hated him and all those times I'd wished he'd just go away or die. I felt guilty. And it hurt.
Soon it was time for everyone to go. Time for my mother and my cat to go up to Big Bear and time for me to go back to Malibu. But I realized Eric had no where at all to go. He couldn't go up to Big Bear. He had to get his two pugs and what little he owned, and find somewhere to stay. If just for the night.
Eric had left his cell phone charger in the house. So I opened the door so he could go get it. He ran in, got his charger and grabbed a CD off the table and when he turned around, he gave me this look, and I knew then and there that he loved me like I was his own daughter. And the whole time I never knew. And it was too late because it was the last time I'd ever see him either.
Today I watched my mother say goodbye to her boyfriend forever with just a hug, a light kiss, and a wave. And that tore me apart.
Today right before I got in the car, my grandfather looked at me. He realized I was crying and his face softened and filled with pain.
Today after I got home, I saw a note that Jessica had written me a few weeks ago. I read it and I cried harder. In it she wrote, "You can't move away! I love you! But I think the worst part is I feel like I've already lost you. And there's nothing I can do about it. And it hurts."
The tears have not stopped, but once they do, they will sting and burn. A harsh reminder of my day.
And in the days to come, I will still feel pain. But none ever quite like what I felt today.
Sincerely;
Casondra
♥
Today in the car I asked Lynda where we were going and she said, "To see your mother." You see, she is leaving for Big Bear today. Today is the last day I'll get to see her or my old house. Or Eric.
Today I stepped out of the car and walked up the drive way to greet my grandfather. I asked him where my mother was and he said she was out with my step-grandmother, Karen, and that they'd be back soon.
So I waited.
When they showed up, people started to throw useless things away and such. Packing up. Cleaning the house. Getting the animals in boxes to take up to Big Bear. But it didn't really hit me that they were leaving.
Today I sat in an empty room and I pet my cat for half an hour. I could feel him purring, I knew he was happy then.
Today I kissed my cat on the nose and put him in a box. Knowing we wouldn't see each other for a long while. I know I'll miss him.
Today I saw my mother sitting in a chair. At first glace she looked tired. Her face was in her hands. But at second glace... I realized she was crying. I walked over to her and put my hand on her shoulder and told her everything would be alright, even though I had no idea.
She looked up at me and said, "I know. I know. But it's just really hard." And that's when I started to cry, too.
She said, "I'm so sorry about everything I put you through. I'm so sorry. I hate myself for it. And I love you. You might not believe me. But I love you so much." And I just cried harder. I wasn't really sure why. But for some reason, that really hurt.
Today I realized that it was the last day my mother would ever see Eric, her boyfriend, again. And I felt horrible for all those times I'd said I hated him and all those times I'd wished he'd just go away or die. I felt guilty. And it hurt.
Soon it was time for everyone to go. Time for my mother and my cat to go up to Big Bear and time for me to go back to Malibu. But I realized Eric had no where at all to go. He couldn't go up to Big Bear. He had to get his two pugs and what little he owned, and find somewhere to stay. If just for the night.
Eric had left his cell phone charger in the house. So I opened the door so he could go get it. He ran in, got his charger and grabbed a CD off the table and when he turned around, he gave me this look, and I knew then and there that he loved me like I was his own daughter. And the whole time I never knew. And it was too late because it was the last time I'd ever see him either.
Today I watched my mother say goodbye to her boyfriend forever with just a hug, a light kiss, and a wave. And that tore me apart.
Today right before I got in the car, my grandfather looked at me. He realized I was crying and his face softened and filled with pain.
Today after I got home, I saw a note that Jessica had written me a few weeks ago. I read it and I cried harder. In it she wrote, "You can't move away! I love you! But I think the worst part is I feel like I've already lost you. And there's nothing I can do about it. And it hurts."
The tears have not stopped, but once they do, they will sting and burn. A harsh reminder of my day.
And in the days to come, I will still feel pain. But none ever quite like what I felt today.
Sincerely;
Casondra
♥