絆
I've never actually made a personal post like this before here on livejournal, so I figured that why not, it's a good time as any to start.
I'll start by saying that - holy shit, what a crappy week it's been. Monday wasn't so bad, but Tuesday onwards was the worst. I guess you guys can probably guess why, right? Yes, it has everything to do with the dork in my icon for this post. I haven't been able to properly express or even gather my feelings on the manner because it's been so overwhelming, I've been busy, yada yada. But I think that the fact of the matter is that, even though I went through so many Shounen Club Premium performances and Sekaiichi Tame ni Naru Tabi's (as well as watched Best Artist a good five or so times) it just hasn't sunk in.
Even writing this now, I'm not sure if it has, even though I feel like there's a weight on my chest and a pit in my stomach and I cry a lot when I watch things. It's a confusing feeling. But I'll do my best to express my thoughts about it.
My first initial thought was disbelief, waking up to so many messages on Twitter and Line about it. I thought "this can't be real" as I sat there, feeling sick to my stomach. Then, of course, it was confusion. Why Taguchi, who always seemed so happy to be doing what he was doing? To make promises and say that he wanted to stay with KAT-TUN? This led to a mix of depression and anger - not towards him, but towards whatever the reason was, which doesn't really make sense. I was worried after reading all of the fan reports of Best Artist. For the sake of Taguchi, for the sake of Kame, Ueda, and Nakamaru who all looked really upset during the announcement and during the performance. Especially reading that Nakamaru was heard crying after, it broke my heart.
Throughout the rest of the week it was varied emotions between upset, angry, depressed, etc. The question of "why" continued to weigh heavily on my mind, and honestly I couldn't really focus in any of my classes. I just wanted to keep checking Twitter and Line to see if there was anything new to read. Throughout this time, I wondered if it was really the best idea to announce it on live TV when almost nobody saw it coming. I wondered why he'd announce it so soon if it's not going to happen for a few months yet. In my personal opinion, it feels as though it would have been better to have a clean cut instead of dragging it out. He didn't give much of a reason either. To say "I'm turning 30 soon and I've been thinking about my life" seems like a reason so unlike him to pull back. It just seems so unlike him so I'm still confused. I probably will still continue to be. Did he suddenly become half-hearted? Did he decide something else was more important? Or, did he have an existential/mid-life crisis like I've been seeing theories about? There's probably going to be no way of knowing, which is honestly the most upsetting part.
Now, my worries are mostly for the remaining three members. It's weighing me down so much, and the thought will not leave me alone - "Will 3人 really work? Can they rebuild and start a new base with half their members gone? What will happen to their shows, like Sekaiichi Tame ni Naru Tabi and Shounen Club Premium once he's gone? These worries are insignificant considering what they're facing right now, but I can't help but wonder if they'll be okay. I care for them way too much to lose them. I wish I could send my support, but I'm so far away. The perks of being an international fan.
This is what I'm wondering right now, Nakamaru. It makes me wonder how long they actually knew (apparently about half a year, according to what he said on Shuichi) which makes it even more confusing, because I really could not have guessed- I don't think that anybody saw it coming and now it's just a whole mess of confusion and upset.
As I'm writing this, I realize that it doesn't make sense. But I guess it doesn't really matter since not many people will actually read it anyway. It made sense in my head and as I was writing, but I don't know much much sense it'll make to those reading. For that, I apologize.
Point is, I fucking love Taguchi so much and I wish him all the happiness that he deserves, even though I really wish this wasn't happening to them again. I just want them all to be happy.
I'll start by saying that - holy shit, what a crappy week it's been. Monday wasn't so bad, but Tuesday onwards was the worst. I guess you guys can probably guess why, right? Yes, it has everything to do with the dork in my icon for this post. I haven't been able to properly express or even gather my feelings on the manner because it's been so overwhelming, I've been busy, yada yada. But I think that the fact of the matter is that, even though I went through so many Shounen Club Premium performances and Sekaiichi Tame ni Naru Tabi's (as well as watched Best Artist a good five or so times) it just hasn't sunk in.
Even writing this now, I'm not sure if it has, even though I feel like there's a weight on my chest and a pit in my stomach and I cry a lot when I watch things. It's a confusing feeling. But I'll do my best to express my thoughts about it.
My first initial thought was disbelief, waking up to so many messages on Twitter and Line about it. I thought "this can't be real" as I sat there, feeling sick to my stomach. Then, of course, it was confusion. Why Taguchi, who always seemed so happy to be doing what he was doing? To make promises and say that he wanted to stay with KAT-TUN? This led to a mix of depression and anger - not towards him, but towards whatever the reason was, which doesn't really make sense. I was worried after reading all of the fan reports of Best Artist. For the sake of Taguchi, for the sake of Kame, Ueda, and Nakamaru who all looked really upset during the announcement and during the performance. Especially reading that Nakamaru was heard crying after, it broke my heart.
Throughout the rest of the week it was varied emotions between upset, angry, depressed, etc. The question of "why" continued to weigh heavily on my mind, and honestly I couldn't really focus in any of my classes. I just wanted to keep checking Twitter and Line to see if there was anything new to read. Throughout this time, I wondered if it was really the best idea to announce it on live TV when almost nobody saw it coming. I wondered why he'd announce it so soon if it's not going to happen for a few months yet. In my personal opinion, it feels as though it would have been better to have a clean cut instead of dragging it out. He didn't give much of a reason either. To say "I'm turning 30 soon and I've been thinking about my life" seems like a reason so unlike him to pull back. It just seems so unlike him so I'm still confused. I probably will still continue to be. Did he suddenly become half-hearted? Did he decide something else was more important? Or, did he have an existential/mid-life crisis like I've been seeing theories about? There's probably going to be no way of knowing, which is honestly the most upsetting part.
Now, my worries are mostly for the remaining three members. It's weighing me down so much, and the thought will not leave me alone - "Will 3人 really work? Can they rebuild and start a new base with half their members gone? What will happen to their shows, like Sekaiichi Tame ni Naru Tabi and Shounen Club Premium once he's gone? These worries are insignificant considering what they're facing right now, but I can't help but wonder if they'll be okay. I care for them way too much to lose them. I wish I could send my support, but I'm so far away. The perks of being an international fan.
This is what I'm wondering right now, Nakamaru. It makes me wonder how long they actually knew (apparently about half a year, according to what he said on Shuichi) which makes it even more confusing, because I really could not have guessed- I don't think that anybody saw it coming and now it's just a whole mess of confusion and upset.
As I'm writing this, I realize that it doesn't make sense. But I guess it doesn't really matter since not many people will actually read it anyway. It made sense in my head and as I was writing, but I don't know much much sense it'll make to those reading. For that, I apologize.
Point is, I fucking love Taguchi so much and I wish him all the happiness that he deserves, even though I really wish this wasn't happening to them again. I just want them all to be happy.