My memories aren't me anymore

[courtknee_x_bee]

Has that ever happened to you before? You look back on the most recent years of your life, and then you realize that you aren't that person anymore. I realized that recently. Not too long ago, I was envious of my past self; of all the exciting new events and people that made me so amazingly happy. I never thought I'd be that happy while living in this town. But now I look back on those times and realize that they built a part of my personality, but that they wouldn't make me very content if they occured again. The childlike exploration and wonder of those experiences is gone. I'm seeking different things now. But I'm all too aware that everything I'm seeking now is not as pure as that of my previous search. I seem to have digressed in my developement as a person. I've become a high school girl just at the time when I am no longer a high school girl. I don't feel mature. I feel naive and ridiculous. I never thought that I'd "change for the worse". I always pictured my life as steadily building towards a higher level. But now I've been lowered, and I have to say that it's a humbling experience. I didn't lay the bricks right the first time, so I have to step down and relearn and redo. It'll be stronger this time. But I don't think I'll be done with it for a while. I still don't know right from wrong. I still put myself and my own interests first in too many situations. I still dissapoint myself.
It's funny how good some of the bad was.
Right now, I guess I'm just seeking togetherness. I want to be close to everyone. I'm sorry if I kept my distance. And I'm even sorrier if you want to keep yours from me. Soon enough, you will have that distance no matter what. So please forget the petty stuff and all of the gossip and all of the trickling stories. It doesn't matter. It's a " house of pain". Please, kick it to the side and lets hug so hard our backs crack.