all the things.
It's sort of unbelievable.
This life, this place, these circumstances. Everything I never knew I always wanted. SORT of. It's like this dream I had a very, very long time ago. In a time when "happily ever after" bullshit was totally tangible, somewhat inevitable, actually. A time when anything was possible and nothing that would come up could ever take away the belief that things were going to be alfuckingright.
The darkest of times came between then and now, and a lot of that seemed SO very awful at the time. Shit, well, it WAS awful. But now, looking at it from THIS side of it, I realize how much it raised me out of that cynical/jaded and unrealistic/diluted sea-saw cycle. I constantly was flip-flopping between believing the world was fucking fucked and there was no reason to believe it would get better, people would learn to love one another, or mother earth would support our sorry asses anymore... and thinking that the world was my oyster and that with enough conviction, hard work, and positivity, I could do anything. Somehow, after going through a circus of events that both broke down and reshaped me, I learned that there is something in the middle of that, something I could grasp.
Although one side of the moon is always dark, things are very rarely black and white.
We went to the doctor today and got pictures of the sprout. In a few weeks, we can share the news with Judy that we are going to expand our little family to 4. This makes me more excited than the prospect of... anything. There are many new and different things occurring in this little world of ours, but nothing that can top the feeling that a dream I let go of over 10 years ago has somehow come true. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, and a tribal leader. I am sleeping in a home that I built with a partner I adore, well-fed, well-laid, and well-wished. The people that surround me are constantly sending the positivity I tried to desperately to convince myself was a myth. Having a family, specifically having children, really does alter one's outlook. No one believes this until they become part of this specific cycle.
The negativity that I do encounter is so pathetically weak and transparent that it hardly comes through as negative energies. It sort of hovers in a mustard gas-colored cloud outside of my window, is observed, considered, and then trapped behind a curtain. I know it's still there, wanting earnestly to come in, pollute the air, and kill off pretty living things. And it does, sometimes. Get in, that is. It smells awful, but has no more power than a ghost with a grudge. Noticeable, but feeble. An eye-roll and a shrug generally suffice.
The utter annoyance of this is nothing compared to the pity that manifests within me. I want to be cold, not care, not notice, even. But, let's be honest: I do. I will not hide the fact that I CANNOT seem to ignore things, even if I want more than ANYTHING to discontinue acknowledging them. I am a snoop, a gossip, an information junkie. HOWEVER, this has now transformed into something newish. I see things from so far outside the box that they rarely affect me. I still have an itch to KNOW, but I do fairly well not letting them ANGER me. I feel so much pity on so many people at this very moment, and genuine JOY for some that I never thought I would.
I won't pretend I don't enjoy the jealousy that some feel towards our life. I feel that these people need to get to the ugliest, darkest part of that feeling before they will ever be able to see how nasty it makes them. We worked very, VERY hard to get here. We are happier than we have ever been, healthier than we've ever been, and planning for the future, for the first time, like it will never end.
All I can hope for is the ability to let go more, hone my ability to repair MYSELF, and push forward, every step bringing us closer and closer to bliss.
I am grateful for the gifts the universe brings.
Blessed Be.
This life, this place, these circumstances. Everything I never knew I always wanted. SORT of. It's like this dream I had a very, very long time ago. In a time when "happily ever after" bullshit was totally tangible, somewhat inevitable, actually. A time when anything was possible and nothing that would come up could ever take away the belief that things were going to be alfuckingright.
The darkest of times came between then and now, and a lot of that seemed SO very awful at the time. Shit, well, it WAS awful. But now, looking at it from THIS side of it, I realize how much it raised me out of that cynical/jaded and unrealistic/diluted sea-saw cycle. I constantly was flip-flopping between believing the world was fucking fucked and there was no reason to believe it would get better, people would learn to love one another, or mother earth would support our sorry asses anymore... and thinking that the world was my oyster and that with enough conviction, hard work, and positivity, I could do anything. Somehow, after going through a circus of events that both broke down and reshaped me, I learned that there is something in the middle of that, something I could grasp.
Although one side of the moon is always dark, things are very rarely black and white.
We went to the doctor today and got pictures of the sprout. In a few weeks, we can share the news with Judy that we are going to expand our little family to 4. This makes me more excited than the prospect of... anything. There are many new and different things occurring in this little world of ours, but nothing that can top the feeling that a dream I let go of over 10 years ago has somehow come true. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, and a tribal leader. I am sleeping in a home that I built with a partner I adore, well-fed, well-laid, and well-wished. The people that surround me are constantly sending the positivity I tried to desperately to convince myself was a myth. Having a family, specifically having children, really does alter one's outlook. No one believes this until they become part of this specific cycle.
The negativity that I do encounter is so pathetically weak and transparent that it hardly comes through as negative energies. It sort of hovers in a mustard gas-colored cloud outside of my window, is observed, considered, and then trapped behind a curtain. I know it's still there, wanting earnestly to come in, pollute the air, and kill off pretty living things. And it does, sometimes. Get in, that is. It smells awful, but has no more power than a ghost with a grudge. Noticeable, but feeble. An eye-roll and a shrug generally suffice.
The utter annoyance of this is nothing compared to the pity that manifests within me. I want to be cold, not care, not notice, even. But, let's be honest: I do. I will not hide the fact that I CANNOT seem to ignore things, even if I want more than ANYTHING to discontinue acknowledging them. I am a snoop, a gossip, an information junkie. HOWEVER, this has now transformed into something newish. I see things from so far outside the box that they rarely affect me. I still have an itch to KNOW, but I do fairly well not letting them ANGER me. I feel so much pity on so many people at this very moment, and genuine JOY for some that I never thought I would.
I won't pretend I don't enjoy the jealousy that some feel towards our life. I feel that these people need to get to the ugliest, darkest part of that feeling before they will ever be able to see how nasty it makes them. We worked very, VERY hard to get here. We are happier than we have ever been, healthier than we've ever been, and planning for the future, for the first time, like it will never end.
All I can hope for is the ability to let go more, hone my ability to repair MYSELF, and push forward, every step bringing us closer and closer to bliss.
I am grateful for the gifts the universe brings.
Blessed Be.