rootless tree.
so here's the thing.
i feel like i have done well by my friends in a very specific way. i cannot count the hours i have spent making gifts, planning parties, making dinners, writing homemade cards, etc, on my friends when they are having a birthday, having a hard time and need uplifting, or just.... or JUST BECAUSE.
there are so few of my "friends" that return this sentiment. now, i am not saying i do these things because i EXPECT something in return. i dont. i actually expect very little from people. but CERTAIN people, the ones that REALLY COUNT, i DO expect a little from. such as remembering my birthday. sigh.
i realized yesterday that the last 3 years, stephen has been the one who has made me feel the most special on my birthday. AND mothers day. i can remember him stealing flowers from his work to bring home for me on mothers day. i can remember him making me handmade things, throwing me parties, and just generally making me feel SPECIAL on the one day of the year where it's all about me. shit, he even did this for a whole week once.
i dont understand how i can be so disposable to people. i have spread myself SO thin trying to BE THERE for people whom i TRULY care about. and...... somehow, these things seem to be lost on people. this..... is heartbreaking. i feel the urge to return to my old way of thinking, "aim low, never be disappointed". and THAT is sad.
my good friend justin pointed out that this is not the way. he says "set the bar EXTREMELY high. and those who can reach it, and want to, are the ones you should be focusing your energy on. you're an extraordinary person and not everyone is as sentimental as we are. but we are here, the ones who matter, the ones who care about YOU, good, bad, and worse. THAT is how you make sure you have what you need." (this is a paraphrase, i cant remember the rest). he is RIGHT. he sent me this song in july of 2007 called "the world needs to see you". i could post the lyrics, but no one would really get it unless they heard it. which is not allowed, haha.
i hate myself for not realizing who my REAL friends are a long, long time ago. i have ignored, neglected, and taken for granted some of the most amazing people i have ever encountered. people who care about me, people who LOVE me, people who want to be there when i am hurting, who want to make sure i am okay, people who just....... DO WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE! you know who you are.
so now, i begin a new compartmentalization. the circle is closing in, becoming smaller, but stronger. more honest. more realistic.
"6 billion people on this planet, don't have to be friends with all of 'em". well said, james.
shape up, or ship out. i am done giving and giving and giving and feeling empty because you people cannot take 5 minutes out of your day to be there for the person you run to, without hesitation, when you NEED someone. i will be your doormat no more.
i feel like i have done well by my friends in a very specific way. i cannot count the hours i have spent making gifts, planning parties, making dinners, writing homemade cards, etc, on my friends when they are having a birthday, having a hard time and need uplifting, or just.... or JUST BECAUSE.
there are so few of my "friends" that return this sentiment. now, i am not saying i do these things because i EXPECT something in return. i dont. i actually expect very little from people. but CERTAIN people, the ones that REALLY COUNT, i DO expect a little from. such as remembering my birthday. sigh.
i realized yesterday that the last 3 years, stephen has been the one who has made me feel the most special on my birthday. AND mothers day. i can remember him stealing flowers from his work to bring home for me on mothers day. i can remember him making me handmade things, throwing me parties, and just generally making me feel SPECIAL on the one day of the year where it's all about me. shit, he even did this for a whole week once.
i dont understand how i can be so disposable to people. i have spread myself SO thin trying to BE THERE for people whom i TRULY care about. and...... somehow, these things seem to be lost on people. this..... is heartbreaking. i feel the urge to return to my old way of thinking, "aim low, never be disappointed". and THAT is sad.
my good friend justin pointed out that this is not the way. he says "set the bar EXTREMELY high. and those who can reach it, and want to, are the ones you should be focusing your energy on. you're an extraordinary person and not everyone is as sentimental as we are. but we are here, the ones who matter, the ones who care about YOU, good, bad, and worse. THAT is how you make sure you have what you need." (this is a paraphrase, i cant remember the rest). he is RIGHT. he sent me this song in july of 2007 called "the world needs to see you". i could post the lyrics, but no one would really get it unless they heard it. which is not allowed, haha.
i hate myself for not realizing who my REAL friends are a long, long time ago. i have ignored, neglected, and taken for granted some of the most amazing people i have ever encountered. people who care about me, people who LOVE me, people who want to be there when i am hurting, who want to make sure i am okay, people who just....... DO WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE! you know who you are.
so now, i begin a new compartmentalization. the circle is closing in, becoming smaller, but stronger. more honest. more realistic.
"6 billion people on this planet, don't have to be friends with all of 'em". well said, james.
shape up, or ship out. i am done giving and giving and giving and feeling empty because you people cannot take 5 minutes out of your day to be there for the person you run to, without hesitation, when you NEED someone. i will be your doormat no more.
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