The monster inside me...
Wow. What a day. I've slapped somebody. Got into a screaming match with my mother. Lost respect for my stepdad. Horrible. It started off OK. Went swimming with some friends in Eagle Point. Came home to my house and we all got comfortable and put on Constantine. Great movie, by the way. Keanu's abs....awesome. Well then my mother gets home. As soon as the movie's over and everyone goes into my room she attacks me about how I'm "too big for my britches" and "I don't own this house" and "she pays the bills." "Mom, I haven't done anything! What did I do?" "Dan (my stepdad), was watching T.V. and you just come in with your friends and put on a movie and take over the T.V. and the whole house like you own it! I pay the bills. That was disrespectful and rude. You ask before you watch a movie!" "MOM! He wasn't watching the T.V. He was in a completely different room!" >>Stepdad butts in<< "I just got up to do something real quick I was coming back!" "Why couldn't you just say, 'Hey I was watching T.V. Can you watch that in your room?!" "Well because what I was watching wasn't that important and..." "WAIT! If it's isn't important than what's the deal?!" "Well, I didn't feel like watching a movie and.." "Why didn't you say go watch it in your room then? Why sneak to my mother when she get home like a conniving child?" And the argument goes on an on, but it was my fault that he was in a completely different room of the house, and instead of informing me he was lord of the T.V. he cries to my mother and causes yet another fight between us! And she even said, "Are you calling my husband a liar?! YOU'RE GROUNDED!" She believed that man over me! They haven't even been married a year. She should be calling him stupid for not speaking up and acting like a tattle-tale child! So I'm reduced to a crying heap from the strain of being attacked for something so stupid. It hurts to be made out to be so horrible and worthless when you do everything right. I had all my chores done that morning. I make great grades, go to church. Take care of myself. I don't have to be told what's right or wrong. I have standards for myself. Yet I'm the worthless child. Sometimes I wonder why I don't resort to the level she places me on. And I guess it's only because I want more. The worst part is, she comes in as I'm crying so hard I can't breathe and says "Oh I'm so sorry miss little victim. It's all about you. Well it's ok, your mother is out here crying because her daughter is so disrespectful to her mother." It's always about her. She's always done that to me. Back when milky pens were the cool thing. I asked for some and she bought herself a whole pack. How many did I get? None. Always. No, she isn't a bad mother. i get what I need. I don't go without monetary wise. But no matter what I do I'm never good enough. My dad never wanted me. My mother brags to everyone in the world how great I am, but tells me I'm so horrible. And the boyfriend's I've had. Well I've always benn able to be thrown around. Everyone tells me I'm not good enough. I don't take being called stupid or not good enough very well. And that's all I get out of people. Every time I'm beaten down like that, the monster inside me grows, and I don't know how long I can keep my anger bridled. I think i'm going to break. I am in desperate need of comfort...