Control, frustration, anger.
I have a problem with control…I want it over everything, and if I don’t have it, it has an awful affect on me. When something doesn’t go my way, or the way in which I plan or expect it to go, I get frustrated, and with the frustration comes anger. I don’t know where this anger stems from, but this is how I’ve always reacted. My mom says even as a toddler I would get angry while frustrated, but it made it that much greater to accomplish the task because I worked through the frustration. But it’s not good. My reactions while frustrated are unhealthy and do not contribute anything good to the situation, especially for the people who happen to be near me or in contact with me at the time. I should not treat them how I do, it is not them that have the problem, it is me. I know this. I know it while I’m doing it. I know I should stop, but something keeps me from changing my attitude. I’m getting better at leaving, thinking about it, then returning with an apology and hope to ‘start again’, but it would be so much better for me, my witness, and my relationships if I could stop it before it starts, and eventually not even have it be a problem. I don’t want to say “oh, that’s just how I am, I’ve always been like that” because I know that is a lame excuse and gets me no where. “God loves me the way I am, but He doesn’t want me to stay that way…He wants to make me just like Jesus” (Max Lucado).
So, though it took everything in my being, I called and asked James for help. I was bummed out because I knew I let my friends down, and especially because I let God down…again. We (God and I) are making such ‘progress’ in my spiritual walk, that when I mess up I wonder why I just can’t ‘get it’. But through this I am continually reminded of His daily love and forgiveness towards me. And that is was James reminded me of. James, a man of God whom I hold in high respect, offered a level of forgiveness and understanding that is rare to find, yet, when I think about it, it is nothing compared to God’s reaction to my apologies. I’ve done much worse toward that Father, and He has never given up on me or gone back on His word, and I was reminded that He never will. But it still hurts me and my ‘pride’ that I continue to stumble. So, in that light, it’s good that I keep falling because it keeps me humble and reminds me how much I need God.
Also, this morning, I opened up my Bible to the end of 1 Chronicles, a book that I have not read, but as I glanced at the page I read something about the book of Gad and the book of Nathan. I though “um…my Bible doesn’t have those books”, so, naturally, I called James to ask him if he knew what those were. James didn’t really know, but led me to Psalm 51, where David wrote to the Lord after Nathan had come to him after his encounter with Bathsheba, a Psalm that I know very well. I didn’t think much of it when James mentioned it, but just now as I was asking the Lord for spiritual restoration He told me to read that Psalm. After reading the first line a flood of memories came to me from the first time this passage was introduced to me.
Two summers ago, after an incident occurred that was spiritually hurtful to me, to the Lord, and possibly others directly and indirectly involved, I called Teresa in tears. She advised me to read Psalm 51, because it has always comforted her in times like the one I was going through. It did help, and the Lord got me through my troubled time…I learned from it, and pray that someday I can use that incident as a teachable moment for others (Ps. 51:13).
Reading that Psalm again reminded me how far I have come spiritually in the last year and a half. What happened that summer is something that is not even an issue to me today, though it was a huge struggle for me then. What I am dealing with today has given me the same grief I felt back then, but this issue compared to that one seems like just a minor detail. How awesome is it that the Lord has changed my heart, and has brought me from who I was then, to who I am now. That summer, He spoke to me through a song that says “and if you think He’ll ever leave you, you better think again”. It is true, He never left me, though I deserve it--He only brought me closer to Him. It makes it that much better knowing, having been here before, that He will not leave me now, and that so many awesome things are to come from this. I count it all joy that He loves me enough to challenge me to grow closer to Him, for with every trial I learn more about me, and more about Him.
Father, I thank you for these times of trial, and for showing yourself so prevalent in my life. If I ever would have thought about my future I never would have imagined me here. It is indescribable what you can make out of someone like me, and I ask you not to stop. Though I may go through these times kicking and screaming, Lord I ask you to continue to do so. Please teach me what you want me to know, prepare me to be a servant for you wherever you lead me, and continually mold me into the likeness of your Son, my Savior, Lord of my life. And, God, though I may not always act like He is the Lord of my life, when I try to become in control of myself I ask you to stop me in my tracks, and do what you need to do to get me off my high horse and back on my knees where I belong. Humble me, break me, empty me, and built me up upon the Rock that I may not waiver, that I may stand firm in the midst of these storms, and fill me with more of you. Remind me that life is more than just me and what I want, Lord, but that it is all about You. I am here for you. And I thank you for the God-fearing, uplifting and spiritually encouraging people you have placed in my life to help me become the woman of God you see me as in the end. May I be as encouraging and spiritually challenging to them as they are to me, Lord, that through me they may see your love for them, also. God I thank you for sharing your wisdom with me, so that I may begin to understand a bit more. “Wisdom is the principal thing, therefore get wisdom. And in all you getting, get understanding” for “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Prov. 4:7 and 1:7).
So, though it took everything in my being, I called and asked James for help. I was bummed out because I knew I let my friends down, and especially because I let God down…again. We (God and I) are making such ‘progress’ in my spiritual walk, that when I mess up I wonder why I just can’t ‘get it’. But through this I am continually reminded of His daily love and forgiveness towards me. And that is was James reminded me of. James, a man of God whom I hold in high respect, offered a level of forgiveness and understanding that is rare to find, yet, when I think about it, it is nothing compared to God’s reaction to my apologies. I’ve done much worse toward that Father, and He has never given up on me or gone back on His word, and I was reminded that He never will. But it still hurts me and my ‘pride’ that I continue to stumble. So, in that light, it’s good that I keep falling because it keeps me humble and reminds me how much I need God.
Also, this morning, I opened up my Bible to the end of 1 Chronicles, a book that I have not read, but as I glanced at the page I read something about the book of Gad and the book of Nathan. I though “um…my Bible doesn’t have those books”, so, naturally, I called James to ask him if he knew what those were. James didn’t really know, but led me to Psalm 51, where David wrote to the Lord after Nathan had come to him after his encounter with Bathsheba, a Psalm that I know very well. I didn’t think much of it when James mentioned it, but just now as I was asking the Lord for spiritual restoration He told me to read that Psalm. After reading the first line a flood of memories came to me from the first time this passage was introduced to me.
Two summers ago, after an incident occurred that was spiritually hurtful to me, to the Lord, and possibly others directly and indirectly involved, I called Teresa in tears. She advised me to read Psalm 51, because it has always comforted her in times like the one I was going through. It did help, and the Lord got me through my troubled time…I learned from it, and pray that someday I can use that incident as a teachable moment for others (Ps. 51:13).
Reading that Psalm again reminded me how far I have come spiritually in the last year and a half. What happened that summer is something that is not even an issue to me today, though it was a huge struggle for me then. What I am dealing with today has given me the same grief I felt back then, but this issue compared to that one seems like just a minor detail. How awesome is it that the Lord has changed my heart, and has brought me from who I was then, to who I am now. That summer, He spoke to me through a song that says “and if you think He’ll ever leave you, you better think again”. It is true, He never left me, though I deserve it--He only brought me closer to Him. It makes it that much better knowing, having been here before, that He will not leave me now, and that so many awesome things are to come from this. I count it all joy that He loves me enough to challenge me to grow closer to Him, for with every trial I learn more about me, and more about Him.
Father, I thank you for these times of trial, and for showing yourself so prevalent in my life. If I ever would have thought about my future I never would have imagined me here. It is indescribable what you can make out of someone like me, and I ask you not to stop. Though I may go through these times kicking and screaming, Lord I ask you to continue to do so. Please teach me what you want me to know, prepare me to be a servant for you wherever you lead me, and continually mold me into the likeness of your Son, my Savior, Lord of my life. And, God, though I may not always act like He is the Lord of my life, when I try to become in control of myself I ask you to stop me in my tracks, and do what you need to do to get me off my high horse and back on my knees where I belong. Humble me, break me, empty me, and built me up upon the Rock that I may not waiver, that I may stand firm in the midst of these storms, and fill me with more of you. Remind me that life is more than just me and what I want, Lord, but that it is all about You. I am here for you. And I thank you for the God-fearing, uplifting and spiritually encouraging people you have placed in my life to help me become the woman of God you see me as in the end. May I be as encouraging and spiritually challenging to them as they are to me, Lord, that through me they may see your love for them, also. God I thank you for sharing your wisdom with me, so that I may begin to understand a bit more. “Wisdom is the principal thing, therefore get wisdom. And in all you getting, get understanding” for “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Prov. 4:7 and 1:7).