omg omg omg omg omg
i could not possibly be more self-involved if i tried. the whole world is crashing around me but i'm eating more or less the perfect, macrobiotic diet, mostly raw at this point, i'm in the best physical shape of my life, not smoking cigarettes, it's been a while since i've gotten drunk, and i've got my commune in virginia waiting for me in 10 days. i know what i want to do in life -- i want to be a holistic nutritionist, it's what i'm passionate about, it's what i love, and it's a way to help people and make a difference in some people's lives. finally! i have a future! and one that i'm whole-heartedly excited about, one that fits. maybe the way to find real happiness and meaning is to bring everything down to the small-scale, focusing on relationships and yourself, from the inside out, through eating well (hence the holistic nutritionist part), exercising, eliminating toxins from the system, and putting yourself first while minimalizing consumption and impact on the planet, clearing the mental environment, and living a good, compassionate, meaningful life. my goals have changed, i no longer want to singlehandedly smash u.s. imperialism (though i wouldn't complain if that happened), i just want to pursue what really matters to me, personally and interpersonally, minimalize my impact on the planet, and live simply and live well. "potential" is so often defined on other people's terms, ones that don't necessarily sit well with me. i have goals, i have ambitions, and i just listed them. the world is falling apart, the cracks in the facade are becoming more and more obvious each day, but here in my simple little life, i fully realize how lucky i am, not just to be sheltered from war and famine and disease, but to have my whole life ahead of me, to feel like i'm brimming with life, on the verge of something big, to wake up each day with a sense of excitement, to really feel deeply the beauty in life, the beauty of the planet, of all creatures, and to feel like one of them. i'm almost 19 and in 10 days i am leaving home for good, leaving cambridge, the best city in the world, the only place i've ever lived, and starting a new life, one i'm making up as a go along, a sort of journey, and i'm just going to be open to wherever it leads, because that's all you can really do. now it's 8pm and i'm going to go do whatever i want, because i am completely free. before i leave i'll probably make one big tearful emotional goodbye to livejournal post. so this is just pre-goodbye.