THE NEW ADVENTURES OF JEFF FERGUSON ON CHEESE - EPISODE ONE - ROBERT SMITH
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF JEFF FERGUSON ON CHEESE - EPISODE ONE - ROBERT SMITH
FADE IN
EXT. SPACE - NIGHT - THE LETTERS OF "THE STORY SO FAR..." SCROLL STAR WARS STYLE UP THE SCREEN
ANNOUNCER
The story so far... A few years
after their time together as
officers in the youth group known
as DeMolay, our heros, Jeff
Ferguson, Loren Southard, and
Martin Thomas, were forced to join
the real world, or as close a
facsimile as the corporate and post
graduate scene can provide.
The silhouettes of the three heroes appear behind the scrolling words... Jeff is apparently wearing a duck on his head and somehow, despite the lack of detail in their faces, you can see the disappointment in Martin and Loren's faces.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
With Jeff living in Orange County,
Martin in Los Angeles, and Loren in
Washington, DC, the three friends
kept in touch by way of daily (and
sometimes hourly) e-mails.
During this time, Martin let slip a
reference to a mythical TV show
that would begin a series of piss
poor attempts at comedy known as...
JEFF FERGUSON ON CHEESE!
With the appearance of the title, we tilt down to see the quiet Earth in the distance and slowly begin our decent towards the planet.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
The action for the nonexistent
television show took place in the
signature line of the e-mails and
sometimes shadowed the real subject
of the body of the message.
In the beginning, the jokes
centered around the name for an
episode of the show and always
included a reference to some sort
of cheese.
Eventually, once the heroes ran out
of comedy-friendly cheese, the
humor expanded to include behind
the-scenes glimpses of the
production of the fictional show,
without ever actually getting into
what the show was really about.
As we get closer to the planet, it is obvious that we are on a collision course with Los Angeles, CA.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
As time passed, our heroes grew
tired of the JFOC premise and
attempted to move on to other bits,
with varying degrees of failure
until they pretty much stopped
talking to each other all together.
Until today.
The decent reaches critical mass and we rush to the location of the radio station on Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles, CA, not
far from the La Brea Tar Pits.
INT. RADIO STATION DJ BOOTH - MORNING
Martin and Jeff are discussing the show between breaks; Loren has excused himself.
JEFF
Dude, I want to try a new joke on
you for the show.
MARTIN
(straightens up and grabs
the console like he's
bracing for impact)
OK, ready...
JEFF
This is my impression of Robert
Smith at home...
MARTIN
Robert Smith from The Cure?
JEFF
No, Robert Smith, the Canadian
politician.
MARTIN
Really?
JEFF
No. Of course Robert Smith from The
Cure.
MARTIN
Gotcha
JEFF
Once again, my impression of Robert
Smith...
MARTIN
Of The Cure
JEFF
Of The Cure, at home...
(pause)
"Honey, I'm doing a load of darks!"
MARTIN
That it?
JEFF
Yup.
MARTIN
Worst joke ever.
JEFF
No, you're not getting it... Here,
it also works with Ozzy Osborne.
MARTIN
This should be good...
JEFF
"Honey, I'm doing a load of darks!"
MARTIN
(pausing)
You just did exactly the same
thing...
JEFF
I know!
MARTIN
I mean, you didn't even try to do a
bad Ozzy voice impression, you just
used your voice saying, "Honey, I'm
doing a load of darks!"
JEFF
Exactly!
MARTIN
Again, worst joke ever...
JEFF
You're still not getting it...
Watch, it works with Johnny Cash...
MARTIN
Sweet Christ...
JEFF
"Honey, I'm doing a load of darks!"
MARTIN
(pause)
Now that one was funny...
JEFF
Really?
MARTIN
No.
JEFF
Ass.
MARTIN
(laughing)
I'm sorry. You know what was funny
about that joke?
JEFF
What?
MARTIN
Nothing!
JEFF
Oh screw you, that joke is funny.
MARTIN
Seriously, it's not funny... don't
do it on the air, we'll get
calls...
JEFF
I don't have to take this crap from
you... You didn't even think Young
Frankenstein was funny.
LOREN walks into the DJ booth as JEFF finishes his line.
LOREN
Who didn't think Young Frankenstein
was funny?
JEFF
Martin thought it was horrible.
MARTIN
I didn't say it was horrible, per
se..
LOREN
You bastard!
MARTIN
What?
LOREN
That is one of the greatest
comedies of all time.
JEFF
That's what I was trying to explain
to him.
LOREN
Seriously, there must be something
wrong with you on a genetic level
if you don't think that movie is
funny. Were your parents assholes
as well?
MARTIN
Well that's just uncalled for...
JEFF
Perhaps it's something deeper...
LOREN
Like what?
JEFF
Martin, do you not like that movie
because it was directed by a person
of the Jewish faith?
LOREN
Oh my God...
MARTIN
What?
JEFF
Tell me Marty, how long, exactly,
have you hated the Jews?
MARTIN
What? No! I...
LOREN
Oh my God, an anti-semite, right
under my nose... you bastard.
JEFF
You know the station owner is
Jewish... he's not going to be
happy about this...
MARTIN
I do not hate the Jews! I just
didn't think the movie was that
funny... maybe it was all the build
up.
JEFF
Fine... just know we're watching
you...
LOREN
I will not let you fuck up our
chance to get back on the air
because you're a bigot.
MARTIN
I am not a bigot!
LOREN
Fine, fine... (laughs). How much
longer do we have?
MARTIN
Couple of minutes, the news chick
is finishing up...
LOREN
Cool, then Jeff can show you his
new joke... dude, do that
impression of Robert Smith...
MARTIN
Ack!
LOREN
What? Is Robert Smith, Jewish?
ANNOUNCER
Tune in next time for another
exciting episode of The New
Adventures of Jeff Ferguson on
Cheese!
LOREN
Who the hell was that?
JEFF
The announcer... he's new...
MARTIN
I like him!
JEFF
(looking at Loren,
knowingly)
Christian...
LOREN
Bastard...
MARTIN
Hey!
--- END EPISODE ONE ---
FADE IN
EXT. SPACE - NIGHT - THE LETTERS OF "THE STORY SO FAR..." SCROLL STAR WARS STYLE UP THE SCREEN
ANNOUNCER
The story so far... A few years
after their time together as
officers in the youth group known
as DeMolay, our heros, Jeff
Ferguson, Loren Southard, and
Martin Thomas, were forced to join
the real world, or as close a
facsimile as the corporate and post
graduate scene can provide.
The silhouettes of the three heroes appear behind the scrolling words... Jeff is apparently wearing a duck on his head and somehow, despite the lack of detail in their faces, you can see the disappointment in Martin and Loren's faces.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
With Jeff living in Orange County,
Martin in Los Angeles, and Loren in
Washington, DC, the three friends
kept in touch by way of daily (and
sometimes hourly) e-mails.
During this time, Martin let slip a
reference to a mythical TV show
that would begin a series of piss
poor attempts at comedy known as...
JEFF FERGUSON ON CHEESE!
With the appearance of the title, we tilt down to see the quiet Earth in the distance and slowly begin our decent towards the planet.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
The action for the nonexistent
television show took place in the
signature line of the e-mails and
sometimes shadowed the real subject
of the body of the message.
In the beginning, the jokes
centered around the name for an
episode of the show and always
included a reference to some sort
of cheese.
Eventually, once the heroes ran out
of comedy-friendly cheese, the
humor expanded to include behind
the-scenes glimpses of the
production of the fictional show,
without ever actually getting into
what the show was really about.
As we get closer to the planet, it is obvious that we are on a collision course with Los Angeles, CA.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
As time passed, our heroes grew
tired of the JFOC premise and
attempted to move on to other bits,
with varying degrees of failure
until they pretty much stopped
talking to each other all together.
Until today.
The decent reaches critical mass and we rush to the location of the radio station on Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles, CA, not
far from the La Brea Tar Pits.
INT. RADIO STATION DJ BOOTH - MORNING
Martin and Jeff are discussing the show between breaks; Loren has excused himself.
JEFF
Dude, I want to try a new joke on
you for the show.
MARTIN
(straightens up and grabs
the console like he's
bracing for impact)
OK, ready...
JEFF
This is my impression of Robert
Smith at home...
MARTIN
Robert Smith from The Cure?
JEFF
No, Robert Smith, the Canadian
politician.
MARTIN
Really?
JEFF
No. Of course Robert Smith from The
Cure.
MARTIN
Gotcha
JEFF
Once again, my impression of Robert
Smith...
MARTIN
Of The Cure
JEFF
Of The Cure, at home...
(pause)
"Honey, I'm doing a load of darks!"
MARTIN
That it?
JEFF
Yup.
MARTIN
Worst joke ever.
JEFF
No, you're not getting it... Here,
it also works with Ozzy Osborne.
MARTIN
This should be good...
JEFF
"Honey, I'm doing a load of darks!"
MARTIN
(pausing)
You just did exactly the same
thing...
JEFF
I know!
MARTIN
I mean, you didn't even try to do a
bad Ozzy voice impression, you just
used your voice saying, "Honey, I'm
doing a load of darks!"
JEFF
Exactly!
MARTIN
Again, worst joke ever...
JEFF
You're still not getting it...
Watch, it works with Johnny Cash...
MARTIN
Sweet Christ...
JEFF
"Honey, I'm doing a load of darks!"
MARTIN
(pause)
Now that one was funny...
JEFF
Really?
MARTIN
No.
JEFF
Ass.
MARTIN
(laughing)
I'm sorry. You know what was funny
about that joke?
JEFF
What?
MARTIN
Nothing!
JEFF
Oh screw you, that joke is funny.
MARTIN
Seriously, it's not funny... don't
do it on the air, we'll get
calls...
JEFF
I don't have to take this crap from
you... You didn't even think Young
Frankenstein was funny.
LOREN walks into the DJ booth as JEFF finishes his line.
LOREN
Who didn't think Young Frankenstein
was funny?
JEFF
Martin thought it was horrible.
MARTIN
I didn't say it was horrible, per
se..
LOREN
You bastard!
MARTIN
What?
LOREN
That is one of the greatest
comedies of all time.
JEFF
That's what I was trying to explain
to him.
LOREN
Seriously, there must be something
wrong with you on a genetic level
if you don't think that movie is
funny. Were your parents assholes
as well?
MARTIN
Well that's just uncalled for...
JEFF
Perhaps it's something deeper...
LOREN
Like what?
JEFF
Martin, do you not like that movie
because it was directed by a person
of the Jewish faith?
LOREN
Oh my God...
MARTIN
What?
JEFF
Tell me Marty, how long, exactly,
have you hated the Jews?
MARTIN
What? No! I...
LOREN
Oh my God, an anti-semite, right
under my nose... you bastard.
JEFF
You know the station owner is
Jewish... he's not going to be
happy about this...
MARTIN
I do not hate the Jews! I just
didn't think the movie was that
funny... maybe it was all the build
up.
JEFF
Fine... just know we're watching
you...
LOREN
I will not let you fuck up our
chance to get back on the air
because you're a bigot.
MARTIN
I am not a bigot!
LOREN
Fine, fine... (laughs). How much
longer do we have?
MARTIN
Couple of minutes, the news chick
is finishing up...
LOREN
Cool, then Jeff can show you his
new joke... dude, do that
impression of Robert Smith...
MARTIN
Ack!
LOREN
What? Is Robert Smith, Jewish?
ANNOUNCER
Tune in next time for another
exciting episode of The New
Adventures of Jeff Ferguson on
Cheese!
LOREN
Who the hell was that?
JEFF
The announcer... he's new...
MARTIN
I like him!
JEFF
(looking at Loren,
knowingly)
Christian...
LOREN
Bastard...
MARTIN
Hey!
--- END EPISODE ONE ---