'Twas The Day After Christmas
I'm finding this Colorado air and altitude is doing some really funky things to me this visit. Aurora, where my Uncle lives now, is a full 1,000 feet higher than Denver, which means more snow, wind, and apparently, changes to your biology. Despite being an hour ahead, time-zone wise, I've found myself waking even earlier than usual to a dark and still sleeping house.
This morning I woke to my own thoughts about my niece, Kali, and our interactions during this trip. She's a full-blown two-year-old little girl now and definitely a descendant of my sister. I equate her to a cat at this point in her development, with moments of screaming and hitting that make you wonder why you bother owning a cat and other moments of sweet cuddling that remind you exactly why you bother.
My mother and sister, her primary caretakers these days, have some established routines that I can't decide if I agree with or not. I also can't decide if they're a pair of pushovers or if I'm just a curmudgeon with little tolerance for some of her antics. There were a couple of instances where her yelling of "mine" instead of "please" for some of her new toys were returned with me just yelling right back at her, cave-man style, causing a run to grandma to calm her down. Other times where she was running about bashing people with a magic wand to the dismay of her mom and grandma and me returning the hits of same wand with a, "what? I thought you thought this was fun?". While my mom and sister may not have been crazy about the noise at the time, she didn't do either again and within moments she was on my knee asking to be shown how to work a new toy.
I recall my time with Justin, my step-son during my first marriage. He was all of two when I first met him and a bit of a hell-raiser as well. I played dad with him for the better part of the next seven years and took him from a "developmentally challenged" child to a straight A student, and all no-thanks to his mother who often looked at him as a burden that interrupted what should have been her roaring twenties. I was the heavy with him as well, but always logically. While his mother would just scream his name across rooms for any infarction, I was talking to the boy and only using a loud voice or a swift hand when absolutely necessary. By the time he was three, he and I had an understanding that was only ever broken out of the pure ignorance of he being a child. The last time I saw him was at this mother's funeral and he immediately sought me out as a source for questions during this difficult time. He was still thriving in school and lettering in sports, something his mom called me to thank me for regularly.
With Kali, I don't have the ability to help with these kind of changes. Even though there is more blood between Kali and I than there was with Justin, it will most likely never be my place to act in such a way. Besides the obvious distance, my sister and I would most likely never agree on my methods. They are a sternness that my sister never saw in my father, but one she remembers from my grandfather. The difference between the two was logic in execution. My father's anger never made any sense to either of us when we were children. Although I was get a better grasp of its source later in life, my sister never did, and still treats my father as a purely illogical being, while I instead have befriended him.
My grandfather's policy was to treat everyone as they deserve and I always respected that in him. While my parents treated both children the same, my grandfather was naturally harder on Tracy since she clearly needed that kind of treatment. The terms fair and balanced are often teamed together, but really fair says it all to me as the definition of balance is lost on most. You see, most people equate balance with equal and that's not the case. With fair, the logic allows me to say, "why should I treat you with the respect you scream for when you have not done the same for me?"
* * *
My mother and I had little time to talk this trip. During one of the few moments when we didn't have the entire contents of the house surrounding us, she made sure to ask, "So, you're fine?" and I could honestly say that I was. She asked about jobs and money and such, all of which were as stable as anyone's answer could be these days. No real fears of losing my job, but you never know, While selling the business brought me the immediately liquidity to buy the house, the lack of the larger enterprise's revenue is missed this time of year. But while I may miss that portion of my life, it is replaced many times over in the form of Rachel. She is a partner in my life in more ways than financial and her presence is why I can answer my mother that yes, I am fine.
* * *
My uncle's family seems to have found a balance that was missing for awhile. Last I visited Colorado, there was a bit of termoil that I could tell upset him, although her rarely manifests his frustrations with more than a "aww, jeeze" in front of me. His children were having a hard time and I think he felt a bit powerless to help. The kids all seem to be all right now, even Chelsea, who always seemed to have the hardest time of the three.
The unrest in my family seems to be back on the Ferguson side lately, with my sister struggling with her marriage. I know that it will not last as my sister has made up her mind and is preparing for its eventual end. She reminds me of me during the end of my first marriage. While the end of my second marriage was a surprise, the first was not. I knew what I was in was broken beyond repair, but rather than flee, I made sure things were in order before the split. There was still pain, of course, and a fair amount of chaos in dealing with the unknown (she had made a mess of our finances above and beyond what I could see, which was bad already), but at the very least, I made it out with what was important.
Tracy is doing the same, making sure that her departure is a series of switches to be thrown that will aid her transition to a new life.
* * *
My mother and uncle are wrestling with their own parental issues these days. My grandmother, who lives in California, has sent the call on many occasions that she is in need of assistance, however, as with the rest of her life, she is insisting that it be on her terms. Unfortunately for her, my mom and uncle have no intention to derail their lives for what she has in mind, so they appear to be at an impasse until my grandmother realizes she will ultimately have less say in the matter than she thinks she should.
It's not like they want to force her into the squaller of a old person's home on the outskirts of town. They instead want her to move to Colorado where she can be closer to everyone else that is willing to take care of her. My mom visited a lovely retirement village that is moments away from where my uncle lives. One of those places with so many nice amenities that you wish you could consider yourself retired a lot earlier.
But, her resistance is strong and backed by a myriad of reasons on both sides of logic. I have my own reasons for wishing her to Colorado, but they are ultimately selfish and would most likely not be understood by those who have already lost their grandparents to time.
* * *
My uncle got up and left for work while I was writing this marathon of words. We've always been close, but never felt the need for a lot of heavy conversion. No long discussions of feelings, not a lot of idle chit chat. We've always had an understanding, the two of us being cut from the same cloth in the best way possible.
As we said our goodbyes (he won't be back from work before we leave for the airport today), he wished me well and said he was happy that Rachel and I made it out this year. Before heading for the garage, he added that he thought I had a good choice in Rachel, which means the world to me.
* * *
As this year draws to a close, I look back with a sense of accomplishment. I have a house of my own now, a goal I made for myself at the end of last year and something that I have held in high esteem for most of my adult life. I can't remember any other goals for this year, really, which should give you an idea of how important this one was for me.
Now that I have that in place and a strong partner in Rachel, I hope to set my sights on a collection of things, from getting in better shape, to learning a new instrument, to receiving a patent on a new business idea. I hope to write more and finish a few projects that I have started in the past year.
There is a restlessness inside of me that for once in a great while does not have to do with my love life and I plan to harness that energy for good.
I hope all your holidays were good and hope you will join Rachel and me in bringing in the new year next week.
J.
This morning I woke to my own thoughts about my niece, Kali, and our interactions during this trip. She's a full-blown two-year-old little girl now and definitely a descendant of my sister. I equate her to a cat at this point in her development, with moments of screaming and hitting that make you wonder why you bother owning a cat and other moments of sweet cuddling that remind you exactly why you bother.
My mother and sister, her primary caretakers these days, have some established routines that I can't decide if I agree with or not. I also can't decide if they're a pair of pushovers or if I'm just a curmudgeon with little tolerance for some of her antics. There were a couple of instances where her yelling of "mine" instead of "please" for some of her new toys were returned with me just yelling right back at her, cave-man style, causing a run to grandma to calm her down. Other times where she was running about bashing people with a magic wand to the dismay of her mom and grandma and me returning the hits of same wand with a, "what? I thought you thought this was fun?". While my mom and sister may not have been crazy about the noise at the time, she didn't do either again and within moments she was on my knee asking to be shown how to work a new toy.
I recall my time with Justin, my step-son during my first marriage. He was all of two when I first met him and a bit of a hell-raiser as well. I played dad with him for the better part of the next seven years and took him from a "developmentally challenged" child to a straight A student, and all no-thanks to his mother who often looked at him as a burden that interrupted what should have been her roaring twenties. I was the heavy with him as well, but always logically. While his mother would just scream his name across rooms for any infarction, I was talking to the boy and only using a loud voice or a swift hand when absolutely necessary. By the time he was three, he and I had an understanding that was only ever broken out of the pure ignorance of he being a child. The last time I saw him was at this mother's funeral and he immediately sought me out as a source for questions during this difficult time. He was still thriving in school and lettering in sports, something his mom called me to thank me for regularly.
With Kali, I don't have the ability to help with these kind of changes. Even though there is more blood between Kali and I than there was with Justin, it will most likely never be my place to act in such a way. Besides the obvious distance, my sister and I would most likely never agree on my methods. They are a sternness that my sister never saw in my father, but one she remembers from my grandfather. The difference between the two was logic in execution. My father's anger never made any sense to either of us when we were children. Although I was get a better grasp of its source later in life, my sister never did, and still treats my father as a purely illogical being, while I instead have befriended him.
My grandfather's policy was to treat everyone as they deserve and I always respected that in him. While my parents treated both children the same, my grandfather was naturally harder on Tracy since she clearly needed that kind of treatment. The terms fair and balanced are often teamed together, but really fair says it all to me as the definition of balance is lost on most. You see, most people equate balance with equal and that's not the case. With fair, the logic allows me to say, "why should I treat you with the respect you scream for when you have not done the same for me?"
* * *
My mother and I had little time to talk this trip. During one of the few moments when we didn't have the entire contents of the house surrounding us, she made sure to ask, "So, you're fine?" and I could honestly say that I was. She asked about jobs and money and such, all of which were as stable as anyone's answer could be these days. No real fears of losing my job, but you never know, While selling the business brought me the immediately liquidity to buy the house, the lack of the larger enterprise's revenue is missed this time of year. But while I may miss that portion of my life, it is replaced many times over in the form of Rachel. She is a partner in my life in more ways than financial and her presence is why I can answer my mother that yes, I am fine.
* * *
My uncle's family seems to have found a balance that was missing for awhile. Last I visited Colorado, there was a bit of termoil that I could tell upset him, although her rarely manifests his frustrations with more than a "aww, jeeze" in front of me. His children were having a hard time and I think he felt a bit powerless to help. The kids all seem to be all right now, even Chelsea, who always seemed to have the hardest time of the three.
The unrest in my family seems to be back on the Ferguson side lately, with my sister struggling with her marriage. I know that it will not last as my sister has made up her mind and is preparing for its eventual end. She reminds me of me during the end of my first marriage. While the end of my second marriage was a surprise, the first was not. I knew what I was in was broken beyond repair, but rather than flee, I made sure things were in order before the split. There was still pain, of course, and a fair amount of chaos in dealing with the unknown (she had made a mess of our finances above and beyond what I could see, which was bad already), but at the very least, I made it out with what was important.
Tracy is doing the same, making sure that her departure is a series of switches to be thrown that will aid her transition to a new life.
* * *
My mother and uncle are wrestling with their own parental issues these days. My grandmother, who lives in California, has sent the call on many occasions that she is in need of assistance, however, as with the rest of her life, she is insisting that it be on her terms. Unfortunately for her, my mom and uncle have no intention to derail their lives for what she has in mind, so they appear to be at an impasse until my grandmother realizes she will ultimately have less say in the matter than she thinks she should.
It's not like they want to force her into the squaller of a old person's home on the outskirts of town. They instead want her to move to Colorado where she can be closer to everyone else that is willing to take care of her. My mom visited a lovely retirement village that is moments away from where my uncle lives. One of those places with so many nice amenities that you wish you could consider yourself retired a lot earlier.
But, her resistance is strong and backed by a myriad of reasons on both sides of logic. I have my own reasons for wishing her to Colorado, but they are ultimately selfish and would most likely not be understood by those who have already lost their grandparents to time.
* * *
My uncle got up and left for work while I was writing this marathon of words. We've always been close, but never felt the need for a lot of heavy conversion. No long discussions of feelings, not a lot of idle chit chat. We've always had an understanding, the two of us being cut from the same cloth in the best way possible.
As we said our goodbyes (he won't be back from work before we leave for the airport today), he wished me well and said he was happy that Rachel and I made it out this year. Before heading for the garage, he added that he thought I had a good choice in Rachel, which means the world to me.
* * *
As this year draws to a close, I look back with a sense of accomplishment. I have a house of my own now, a goal I made for myself at the end of last year and something that I have held in high esteem for most of my adult life. I can't remember any other goals for this year, really, which should give you an idea of how important this one was for me.
Now that I have that in place and a strong partner in Rachel, I hope to set my sights on a collection of things, from getting in better shape, to learning a new instrument, to receiving a patent on a new business idea. I hope to write more and finish a few projects that I have started in the past year.
There is a restlessness inside of me that for once in a great while does not have to do with my love life and I plan to harness that energy for good.
I hope all your holidays were good and hope you will join Rachel and me in bringing in the new year next week.
J.