"Don't blame yourself. Blame those bastards who invented the killer virtual hookers."
I went downtown with Tyler last night. Downtown is one of those places that's cool in theory, but once you get there there's actually nothing to do except walk around and let people assume you're a gay couple out for a stroll. We ended up in this video store on Liberty Street that sold VHS tapes 2 for five bucks. On top of the stack was "Killer Sex Queens From Cyberspace". We bought that, and, just for the hell of it, Air Bud. I think the store clerks are still talking about us.
Anyway. I've seen a lot of movies. Really, I have. I've seen "Hell's Highway," "Sleepover Massacre", "Sasquatch Hunters", "The Ape", "Future War", "Brain Damage", the remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and then of course there's the staples of "Plan Nine From Outer Space" and "Manos: The Hands of Fate". I never thought I'd see a movie that would beat out those last two in sheer suckiness, but now I have. Well, Manos might still be unchallenged, but Plan 9 is left in the dust of this jaw-dropping bag of week old santorum. Usually, I can be entertained by crappy movies. Not this time. A movie has never caused me pain before. This one did. The whole thing was shot on Super 8 film and dubbed over after the fact, and 90% of the exposition was done through the use of old Windows video editing software. I don't think a single scene began without a listing of location and "A FEW MINUTES LATER". The movie was broken down as follows:
plot development - 10 minutes
footage of trashy naked women - 55 minutes
badly done unnecesary special effects - 5 minutes
end credits, repeated twice, with and without pictures, and a blooper reel - 14 minutes
I know some asshole out there (Champagne, for one, were he to read this) is thinking, "Hey man, it had HOT CHICKS NAKED! What more do you want, man! HOT CHICKS!! MAN!!! HOT CHICKS!!! ALRIGHT!!! LET'S GO PICK UP SOME HOT CHICKS!!! I'VE GOT A NEW SYSTEM IN MY CAR!!! YEAH MAN!!!"
To them I say:
Shut the fuck up. I've seen better porn at grundlevote.com . This fermented weasel piss was only added to the film so fuckers like you would see it and think the entire thing was justified. Watching this movie is about as enjoyable as a strawberry sanchez surprise with sprinkles topped off with an icy mike.
I believe that Tyler and I own the last copy of this movie in existence. We're planning on destroying it sometime within the next week. Submit ideas for any particularly creative ideas you may have.
Anyway. I've seen a lot of movies. Really, I have. I've seen "Hell's Highway," "Sleepover Massacre", "Sasquatch Hunters", "The Ape", "Future War", "Brain Damage", the remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and then of course there's the staples of "Plan Nine From Outer Space" and "Manos: The Hands of Fate". I never thought I'd see a movie that would beat out those last two in sheer suckiness, but now I have. Well, Manos might still be unchallenged, but Plan 9 is left in the dust of this jaw-dropping bag of week old santorum. Usually, I can be entertained by crappy movies. Not this time. A movie has never caused me pain before. This one did. The whole thing was shot on Super 8 film and dubbed over after the fact, and 90% of the exposition was done through the use of old Windows video editing software. I don't think a single scene began without a listing of location and "A FEW MINUTES LATER". The movie was broken down as follows:
plot development - 10 minutes
footage of trashy naked women - 55 minutes
badly done unnecesary special effects - 5 minutes
end credits, repeated twice, with and without pictures, and a blooper reel - 14 minutes
I know some asshole out there (Champagne, for one, were he to read this) is thinking, "Hey man, it had HOT CHICKS NAKED! What more do you want, man! HOT CHICKS!! MAN!!! HOT CHICKS!!! ALRIGHT!!! LET'S GO PICK UP SOME HOT CHICKS!!! I'VE GOT A NEW SYSTEM IN MY CAR!!! YEAH MAN!!!"
To them I say:
Shut the fuck up. I've seen better porn at grundlevote.com . This fermented weasel piss was only added to the film so fuckers like you would see it and think the entire thing was justified. Watching this movie is about as enjoyable as a strawberry sanchez surprise with sprinkles topped off with an icy mike.
I believe that Tyler and I own the last copy of this movie in existence. We're planning on destroying it sometime within the next week. Submit ideas for any particularly creative ideas you may have.