Nightmares
I was visited by three ghosts last night. Perhaps I have been Scrooge enough to require scaring but would you believe me if I said it's not my fault? No no, I wouldn't believe me either.
1) Scene: Restaurant, I'm a waiter.
This is a job I can handle. I notice that I'm serving guests who have no faces in a restaurant I've never been to before with a confidence unbecoming a recruit. I was sleeping at the time so I'll forgive my brain not noticing it's a dream. I have a small section and as the night goes on, my section keeps growing. The restaurant should be slowing down but more people just keep piling in the door and into my section. It's all I can do just to say hello to people and after 10 minutes of just getting people sat down and settled I have no drinks out, no food orders taken and about 40 more guests than I should.
The kitchen is humming away as I burst though the swinging doors to ask for help. The nearest servers don't even look at me, sweat pouring down my face, hands trembling (Why? I'm never this nervous) and as I go to ask for help I can't bring myself to say the words. My mouth works open and closed as I struggle to ask for aid and a sense of overwhelming dread comes over. I decide to just go back out onto the floor. I don't know why I did it.
The floor is a sea of people, but none of them are angry. They stare complacently at their menus, silently, eerily. I see one face staring at me, it's her, Amber, my most recent ex. The scene shifts seamlessly.
2) I'm in my dead grandmother's house. This is always fun. The walls are darker than I remember, the corners more shadowed, but my face lights up as I see her, Nana. It's been so long and of all the people I've lost I miss her most. Her face is different... It's less aged, but more cynical. Her laugh lines are gone and when she sees me she doesn't even crack a smile. She starts talking in her voice but my father's words and mien.
"You need to be more practical, you are a disappointment." I can only stand their and gape. I know she's dead, I saw her die, this is not her. She knows just where to hit me and her words drown out any happiness her visage had first flared. Everything she says is true, but to hear them coming from Nana is too much. Deep secrets not even I could put to words yet. I can't even cry.
"Go away, leave me and do not return!" she screams and so I do. The scene shifts.
3) I'm in a car, naked and in the driver's seat. The car is moving, but I'm not the one driving. I'm an emotional wreck but I can't remember why. A feminine hand slips around my headrest and plucks a tear off my cheek. I know it's her, and we both laugh. It's on of those perfect girls I had met in my life but never pursued seriously or maturely. I've never deserved them.
Suddenly she's in my arms, naked, and she kisses me in a way that is non-sexual but has a hint of promise to come. I kiss back, but I'm terrible at it. We both laugh again at that and I feel peaceful, at ease and happy.
I turn to her right and her boyfriend is there. He doesn't mind that I'm kissing his love but he looks distressed. He points to the back seat and there, pale as moonlight is her again, Amber. She's crying quietly and all happiness that I knew was gone. The sense that I would never be happy again came over me as I turned to talk to my ex and the the scene shifted.
I woke up. I tried to go back to sleep, confident that I could will Amber and the other man away just to be with her but I could not rest.
I have found a few perfect women in my life and I have deserved none of them. I am yet broken and while I know I am piecing my life together everyday I can't help thinking I had someone who could look at the way I'd fractured and say "I love you."
1) Scene: Restaurant, I'm a waiter.
This is a job I can handle. I notice that I'm serving guests who have no faces in a restaurant I've never been to before with a confidence unbecoming a recruit. I was sleeping at the time so I'll forgive my brain not noticing it's a dream. I have a small section and as the night goes on, my section keeps growing. The restaurant should be slowing down but more people just keep piling in the door and into my section. It's all I can do just to say hello to people and after 10 minutes of just getting people sat down and settled I have no drinks out, no food orders taken and about 40 more guests than I should.
The kitchen is humming away as I burst though the swinging doors to ask for help. The nearest servers don't even look at me, sweat pouring down my face, hands trembling (Why? I'm never this nervous) and as I go to ask for help I can't bring myself to say the words. My mouth works open and closed as I struggle to ask for aid and a sense of overwhelming dread comes over. I decide to just go back out onto the floor. I don't know why I did it.
The floor is a sea of people, but none of them are angry. They stare complacently at their menus, silently, eerily. I see one face staring at me, it's her, Amber, my most recent ex. The scene shifts seamlessly.
2) I'm in my dead grandmother's house. This is always fun. The walls are darker than I remember, the corners more shadowed, but my face lights up as I see her, Nana. It's been so long and of all the people I've lost I miss her most. Her face is different... It's less aged, but more cynical. Her laugh lines are gone and when she sees me she doesn't even crack a smile. She starts talking in her voice but my father's words and mien.
"You need to be more practical, you are a disappointment." I can only stand their and gape. I know she's dead, I saw her die, this is not her. She knows just where to hit me and her words drown out any happiness her visage had first flared. Everything she says is true, but to hear them coming from Nana is too much. Deep secrets not even I could put to words yet. I can't even cry.
"Go away, leave me and do not return!" she screams and so I do. The scene shifts.
3) I'm in a car, naked and in the driver's seat. The car is moving, but I'm not the one driving. I'm an emotional wreck but I can't remember why. A feminine hand slips around my headrest and plucks a tear off my cheek. I know it's her, and we both laugh. It's on of those perfect girls I had met in my life but never pursued seriously or maturely. I've never deserved them.
Suddenly she's in my arms, naked, and she kisses me in a way that is non-sexual but has a hint of promise to come. I kiss back, but I'm terrible at it. We both laugh again at that and I feel peaceful, at ease and happy.
I turn to her right and her boyfriend is there. He doesn't mind that I'm kissing his love but he looks distressed. He points to the back seat and there, pale as moonlight is her again, Amber. She's crying quietly and all happiness that I knew was gone. The sense that I would never be happy again came over me as I turned to talk to my ex and the the scene shifted.
I woke up. I tried to go back to sleep, confident that I could will Amber and the other man away just to be with her but I could not rest.
I have found a few perfect women in my life and I have deserved none of them. I am yet broken and while I know I am piecing my life together everyday I can't help thinking I had someone who could look at the way I'd fractured and say "I love you."