(no subject)
I don't even know why I'm so attached to this.
I'm just so ANGRY, at myself. It's always been myself, no one else's fault. Now I'm genuinely worried. I got into an argument with a girl I've had feelings for for quite some time now (I can see the pattern) and she asked me what I meant when I said she had "demons" to work out. (Yes, yes, yes, I acknowledged my own demons). I told her what I thought about her inner fears and confusion when I should have just shut up. Haha, you know, I've gotten so terrible about shutting up lately, and only more and more drivel seems to expedite itself from my mouth. Isn't that something? The less I seem to think i know, the more I like to talk. The relationship is not surprising. In regards to this girl however, I worry she might have done something drastic or rash (suicide). There's a 99% chance she's just angry, but what if it's more? What if that 1% chance has occurred? Her life would be gone. I don't think I was reckless. I think she was more reckless for egging on a conversation that she felt might break her. Still, I'm worried. Just so worried. I think I'm going to go cry actually.
Yes, I need to be honest. Honesty is the premise by which we judge ourselves. If we lie to ourselves then there is so much less we can accomplish as far as introspection is concerned.
I'm just not happy, not one bit, and I don't understand why. I think I'm just tired. Tired of life. Tired of all this philosophical soup I have to wade through to understand my own damn feelings. If there's is a God, he's an asshole. You'd think our own minds might have been easier to figure out, or come with an instruction manual.
This girl has the capacity to bring out the best as well as the worst in me, and I hate hate hate that I've given her that power. I've put the control of my emotions into the hands of some girl who has no idea what the fuck she's doing, and here I am thinking I might have broken her. Given the most likely outcome (she's angry) I'm going to retract a bit, and I'm sure she won't mind. More out of anger at myself will I pull away from her, but out of some anger towards her as well. I've texted her and caller her just asking to hear word that she's alright. If she's not dead, then this is a cruel joke. Sometimes I feel though that life is a mean joke with a bad punch line. Tacky.
I'm just so ANGRY, at myself. It's always been myself, no one else's fault. Now I'm genuinely worried. I got into an argument with a girl I've had feelings for for quite some time now (I can see the pattern) and she asked me what I meant when I said she had "demons" to work out. (Yes, yes, yes, I acknowledged my own demons). I told her what I thought about her inner fears and confusion when I should have just shut up. Haha, you know, I've gotten so terrible about shutting up lately, and only more and more drivel seems to expedite itself from my mouth. Isn't that something? The less I seem to think i know, the more I like to talk. The relationship is not surprising. In regards to this girl however, I worry she might have done something drastic or rash (suicide). There's a 99% chance she's just angry, but what if it's more? What if that 1% chance has occurred? Her life would be gone. I don't think I was reckless. I think she was more reckless for egging on a conversation that she felt might break her. Still, I'm worried. Just so worried. I think I'm going to go cry actually.
Yes, I need to be honest. Honesty is the premise by which we judge ourselves. If we lie to ourselves then there is so much less we can accomplish as far as introspection is concerned.
I'm just not happy, not one bit, and I don't understand why. I think I'm just tired. Tired of life. Tired of all this philosophical soup I have to wade through to understand my own damn feelings. If there's is a God, he's an asshole. You'd think our own minds might have been easier to figure out, or come with an instruction manual.
This girl has the capacity to bring out the best as well as the worst in me, and I hate hate hate that I've given her that power. I've put the control of my emotions into the hands of some girl who has no idea what the fuck she's doing, and here I am thinking I might have broken her. Given the most likely outcome (she's angry) I'm going to retract a bit, and I'm sure she won't mind. More out of anger at myself will I pull away from her, but out of some anger towards her as well. I've texted her and caller her just asking to hear word that she's alright. If she's not dead, then this is a cruel joke. Sometimes I feel though that life is a mean joke with a bad punch line. Tacky.