In my condition
Last night I dreamt I was pregnant and in the dream I rubbed my belly continuously, smoked a cigarette (!), and referred to my being knocked up as a condition. For example: "What does she have to say about our condition?" I said our because my sister was pregnant as well, though farther along than I. My grandmother, the uptight one, was there but far enough away that I wasn't involved in any conversation with her but close enough to be in my line of sight. Of course all of it speaks something of my subconscious, the distance between my grandmother and I and other such unmentioned details. What interests me here most, as you could guess, is that part about being with child. (I often have to persuade myself not to over-analyze.)
No doubt, this baby train of thought is motivated by the news that a former roommate and dear friend is engaged. Yes, ENGAGED. No big deal really in the grand scheme of things, I'll admit. What's worth mentioning however, is that she's my age and it always seemed like my peers would remain in the same limbo as I. Delusional. My life is substantially stunted - a difficult truth to admit - so it was easy to fall into that trap of projecting oneself onto others and ending up disappointed when they don't live up to the rigid expectations. Misery loves company obviously.
A really gut-wrenching aspect of this is the jealousy I can't shake. It has its very own physicality and train of thought. A bodily sensation of sadness and a slew of whys. Why am I as mature as a fourteen year old in some ways but more mature than most of my coworkers (and even my older sister) in other ways? Why can't I get a grip on my life so that I may have at least the opportunity to be ENGAGED? They all boil down to this one acidic question: Why NOT me? And I remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine finds out George is ENGAGED. Elaine talking to the rabbi about how she felt about the news and the rabbi finally letting the cat out of the bag on public television. Distraction helps keep the jealousy away. I'm doing fairly well, but something reminds me and the word MARRIED echoes in my head. Fucking MARRIED.
I told myself this: My goal is to get married and have babies. No joke, I said it out loud immediately realizing the absurdity of it. The logic that gave me that bright idea went as follows: Nothing has been able to motivate me so far into getting out of bed before 2pm, to clean my room, to get a drivers license, to finish my classes, to manage my money, to live as an adult, to live up to my responsibilities, to act my age. This whole ENGAGED ordeal seems to kind of light a fire under me. I couldn't possibly maintain a relationship at my current level of apathy, addiction, and absurdity. Therefore, make marriage my goal, get up the motivation to make those major changes which are well overdue, eventually get myself out of this godforsaken rut, and maybe just maybe find a nice gentleman. Seeing it written out, I feel a little better about it thank Ford.
No doubt, this baby train of thought is motivated by the news that a former roommate and dear friend is engaged. Yes, ENGAGED. No big deal really in the grand scheme of things, I'll admit. What's worth mentioning however, is that she's my age and it always seemed like my peers would remain in the same limbo as I. Delusional. My life is substantially stunted - a difficult truth to admit - so it was easy to fall into that trap of projecting oneself onto others and ending up disappointed when they don't live up to the rigid expectations. Misery loves company obviously.
A really gut-wrenching aspect of this is the jealousy I can't shake. It has its very own physicality and train of thought. A bodily sensation of sadness and a slew of whys. Why am I as mature as a fourteen year old in some ways but more mature than most of my coworkers (and even my older sister) in other ways? Why can't I get a grip on my life so that I may have at least the opportunity to be ENGAGED? They all boil down to this one acidic question: Why NOT me? And I remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine finds out George is ENGAGED. Elaine talking to the rabbi about how she felt about the news and the rabbi finally letting the cat out of the bag on public television. Distraction helps keep the jealousy away. I'm doing fairly well, but something reminds me and the word MARRIED echoes in my head. Fucking MARRIED.
I told myself this: My goal is to get married and have babies. No joke, I said it out loud immediately realizing the absurdity of it. The logic that gave me that bright idea went as follows: Nothing has been able to motivate me so far into getting out of bed before 2pm, to clean my room, to get a drivers license, to finish my classes, to manage my money, to live as an adult, to live up to my responsibilities, to act my age. This whole ENGAGED ordeal seems to kind of light a fire under me. I couldn't possibly maintain a relationship at my current level of apathy, addiction, and absurdity. Therefore, make marriage my goal, get up the motivation to make those major changes which are well overdue, eventually get myself out of this godforsaken rut, and maybe just maybe find a nice gentleman. Seeing it written out, I feel a little better about it thank Ford.