(no subject)
Its been a while since I have written, I dont have much time or motivation anymore. I have good days and bad, usually more bad than good unfortunatly. Yesterday was 2 months since Jen died....I miss her so much. I know things werent great with us near the end, but the way I look at it is addiction is a disease, just like my dads alcoholism. Its something that takes over and controls you, changes you. I wish sometimes I could go back to the very first weekend that we ever met, that was such an amazing weekend. Ill never forget going to the beach that night with Denise to take pictures. Or meeting the famiyl for the first time. Near the end things got so bad though that it was hard to remember the good times, but then we had good days, Like the weekend of April 1st, when she came to my new job with roses and took me to dinner, or when we took our godson Isaiah to the park. Im not condoning what she did, what she did was horrible, and in part that contributes to the huge fear that I have of getting into another relationship.
My mother in law told me that I cant be alone for the rest of my life mourning Jen, that Jen wouldnt want that for me, and neither does she. I know that she is right, but then there is the part of me that remembers that she really only has been gone for 2 months, though it seems so much longer. One day I do want to marry again, but then there is the part of me that is afraid to because of everything that I have been through. I want to have a family, to have children and watch them grow. But that is everything I planned with Jen, so sometimes its hard to see it any other way. I am about to be 20 years old, and I dont know where my life is going anymore. 3 months ago, I could have told you. I am moving back in with my mother in the next couple of weeks. It will be nice to have money, but hard to leave mine and Jens home....
On a funny note....I am going camping for the first time the weekend after the 4th. Where am I going you ask?? To Ptown, also for the first time! And yes! I am camping at the one and only HORTONS...where people get evicted in the middle of the night! LOL This ought to be an interesting trip, especially for the fact that I HATE HATE HATE bugs. Haha. I need the vacation though. Im going now, Im at work...write more later.
My mother in law told me that I cant be alone for the rest of my life mourning Jen, that Jen wouldnt want that for me, and neither does she. I know that she is right, but then there is the part of me that remembers that she really only has been gone for 2 months, though it seems so much longer. One day I do want to marry again, but then there is the part of me that is afraid to because of everything that I have been through. I want to have a family, to have children and watch them grow. But that is everything I planned with Jen, so sometimes its hard to see it any other way. I am about to be 20 years old, and I dont know where my life is going anymore. 3 months ago, I could have told you. I am moving back in with my mother in the next couple of weeks. It will be nice to have money, but hard to leave mine and Jens home....
On a funny note....I am going camping for the first time the weekend after the 4th. Where am I going you ask?? To Ptown, also for the first time! And yes! I am camping at the one and only HORTONS...where people get evicted in the middle of the night! LOL This ought to be an interesting trip, especially for the fact that I HATE HATE HATE bugs. Haha. I need the vacation though. Im going now, Im at work...write more later.