(no subject)
I wish he would just come get his stuff. Seeing it is nothing but a reminder. As stupid as it may sound, and I know it does. I do miss him. I still love him very much. I just wish this wasn't so hard. I left him a message about getting his stuff but he won't call back. He thinks if he does it is a sign of weakness. He ALWAYS waits for me to do it. That is why he leaves his shit here. Because he knows I won't throw it out because he needs it and he won't come get it. He will refuse to get it and tell me do whatever I want with it, but I know he needs it. I know he wants his laptop. It would totally stupid to go buy another one just because you let your stupid pride get in the way. Part of me thinks he doesn't want to get it because it may hurt him to much to see me. As if seeing him wouldn't hurt me? At least I tried and I am trying to do the right thing.
The thought of having to start packing just brings my stomach to knots. I didn't eat last night because of it. Well because of everything going on. I DID try, just a few bites down and my stomach was saying "Oh, hell no! I am not having any of this" I am trying out the paid version. I want to see if there is a difference or if I like it at all. Most of my entries that are anywhere near the present are marked private or friends only. I was thinking about going back and making every single post about him public for the past few years. That would be a lot of work though. I can make more icons for my post. I may do that. I am trying to keep myself busy.
Also debating on letting a friend come over just for the distraction. I don't know that anyone can hold my attention right now though. I can't even hold my own. I try to read and my thoughts wonder away. I watch a show and my mind wonders. I went and reread a post about Mark. When I told him everything. The things he said me, questions he asked. It was so stressful just reading it. It just brought back memories of him pleading with me. Asking me so many questions that just made me feel bad and guilty. I never told him it was his fault, like David tried to tell me. Hell, even when he asked me who made the first move, I wouldn't tell Mark. At least I am woman enough to say what I did was wrong and it was all my faults. I let it happen and even though David pursued me, I gave in. i made a comment in a private post, about how David will never be happy because once he gets his way about one thing. He always finds something else to pick at and bitch about. I should have ended things way back then. Then maybe it wouldn't be so hard now. He talks about my wall I have up. He put most of it there from always hurting me. I guess I will end this as it turned out long. Still undecided about making it friends only post or public. The one thing I want to talk about will be friends only though.
The thought of having to start packing just brings my stomach to knots. I didn't eat last night because of it. Well because of everything going on. I DID try, just a few bites down and my stomach was saying "Oh, hell no! I am not having any of this" I am trying out the paid version. I want to see if there is a difference or if I like it at all. Most of my entries that are anywhere near the present are marked private or friends only. I was thinking about going back and making every single post about him public for the past few years. That would be a lot of work though. I can make more icons for my post. I may do that. I am trying to keep myself busy.
Also debating on letting a friend come over just for the distraction. I don't know that anyone can hold my attention right now though. I can't even hold my own. I try to read and my thoughts wonder away. I watch a show and my mind wonders. I went and reread a post about Mark. When I told him everything. The things he said me, questions he asked. It was so stressful just reading it. It just brought back memories of him pleading with me. Asking me so many questions that just made me feel bad and guilty. I never told him it was his fault, like David tried to tell me. Hell, even when he asked me who made the first move, I wouldn't tell Mark. At least I am woman enough to say what I did was wrong and it was all my faults. I let it happen and even though David pursued me, I gave in. i made a comment in a private post, about how David will never be happy because once he gets his way about one thing. He always finds something else to pick at and bitch about. I should have ended things way back then. Then maybe it wouldn't be so hard now. He talks about my wall I have up. He put most of it there from always hurting me. I guess I will end this as it turned out long. Still undecided about making it friends only post or public. The one thing I want to talk about will be friends only though.