Feeling.... relieved
Well, although I havent posted, things have been way down, but they are slowly coming back up. I thought that Pup just wasnt calling and ignoring my calls and that hurt. But he sent a package that I got today to "Mr and Mrs Heite and Ray Ray" It was cute and made me feel good- it made my day when mom called and told me that it had came. It was starting off pretty shitty, I ended up working over when I was supposed to, again. I had even come in this last Saturday to do a plan-o-gram for William. I feel so bad for him, coming in when Amy left everything such a mess and he has to do what should have been done in 6 months in three weeks. So Me, Joyce and Tracey seem to be the only ones caring though and thats just infuriating. Im working litterally as much as I can without going into OT and the others are sitting watching us doing all the work with William. Its just infuriating.
The wedding is over though, and thats a big relieg, but now we have the clean up. On top of cleaning up the house, while Im at work everyone here works and then we I get home we eat and then work until 9 or 11 and then finally call it quits. Most of the time I just want to come home and go to bed, or surf the web till I exhaust myself... Im having more and more trouble sleeping. Between not being able to sleep because I cant shut my head off and the nightmares.... its jsut impossible. If I get 4 solid hours of sleep, Im lucky! Oh well, Im getting used to it and its getting me ready for college-- theres a silver lining to every cloud! Lol.... Oh well. Its just sleep, who needs it!?!?
Im THIS close to putting a restraing order on Steve. Now Im not sure if I even want to give him a warning. Hes just...stalking. He wont stop calling and/or texting my phone. There were three messages he left all at once that really sort of worried me... he was just so... mad. Every other word out of his mouth was Fuck and he jsut kept going on and on. It was all my fault and its my fault that he lost the job at A&T because he was working on my parents house, and this and that. I just feel like this part of me owes it to him, just give him a warning to back off. The part of me that still feels guilty for leaving him, the part of me that once loved him with all my heart. But the rest of me is just filled with so much hurt. The lies, the deception, the bull shit. Its just hard to believe I put up with it for so long. Ive finally figured out that I was staying because I knew he needed me, that I saw all this coming if I left him and it was just so much easier to stay with him than to leave him. He wasnt a bad friend either- he was my best friend, at least in the beginning. Towards the end everything just fell apart. I was realizing that I was with him for him and not for me. I wasnt leaving him not because I loved him too much to, but because he loved me too much to. Its like hearing a child scream for you and just hearing panic there but trying to walk away. Then everything just unfolded and the more that came out, the more I hurt. Then I just lost all respect for him and I realized everything that was out there. I realized the one person who had been helping me through it all. Now Im even crazier for him than I was ever for Steve but I cant do anything about it, not till he comes home from this damn war. It kills me. Its like everything you want is sitting right in front of you, but you cant touch it, you cant have it. Its like when you were three and you wanted the ice cream SOO bad but mom and dad said no because it was time for bed and you could have it tomorrow night. All day long you wait for that ice cream and then they tell you, No honey, one more night, its too late.... its just frustrating to finally feel like Im in the right place at the right time and he has to leave. I know that my brother doesnt think too much of it and that they have both grown apart and founght and arent talking right now and that hurts me. They were such good friends and then I came in the mix and threw everything off balance. Some how I feel like this is a smidgent my fault. Not all of it, both parties were thick headed and the deployment didnt help again. But Robert really hurt Pup, I could hear that when we talked. He was his boy and he felt like he was walking away. Robert was watching his best friend and mentor leave to go fight a war. A war that causes people to die, people to come home on Med Vac flights, those calls he has to answer. He told me of the sick feeling that he got when he goes out to those plans, not knowing who was on and not knowing. I pray to god that he never has to go out and find our Pup, our new, strange part of our family on one of those. Its one of the nightmares I keep seeing in my sleep. That plane landing and hes there and he calls and I fall apart. I dont know when I started to feel as much as I did for him, but all I know is that I just want the chance to see where it will go. Im not saying I want him to drop everything and marry me, I just want to see what will happen if we give "us" a chance. All I can do is write and go to school and pray and trust in god that he wont take this man out of my life before he has a chance to truely be in it. It tears me up inside what he has to go and do, but when can I do but sit and wait it out? I know what everyone says, dont miss an oppotunity to find someone else, but if your heart is screaming at you to follow it, to trust it just once. To trust someone else just once, what can you do? Tell it no? Say hmmm.. nope, people think its a bad idea. I have no clue who Ill meet in the next two years, but between school and helping out here at home and spending the extra time at work and any left over with friends, who knows. I dont know, Im not saying no to anything and Im not saying yes. All Im saying is that right now, I feel how Im feeling and I dont know anything else but that.
Wow.... never meant for that to be that long. I just got started on a tangent and it kept coming. These are some of the things that are just trapped inside my head, wondering which way to go and what to do, but I have no clue myself, so how.... I dont know. After I add schoool and the cost of books and money all into the mix... it get tiring. I just want my damn switch to turn it off! Ohh well. Ill deal, I always do.
The wedding is over though, and thats a big relieg, but now we have the clean up. On top of cleaning up the house, while Im at work everyone here works and then we I get home we eat and then work until 9 or 11 and then finally call it quits. Most of the time I just want to come home and go to bed, or surf the web till I exhaust myself... Im having more and more trouble sleeping. Between not being able to sleep because I cant shut my head off and the nightmares.... its jsut impossible. If I get 4 solid hours of sleep, Im lucky! Oh well, Im getting used to it and its getting me ready for college-- theres a silver lining to every cloud! Lol.... Oh well. Its just sleep, who needs it!?!?
Im THIS close to putting a restraing order on Steve. Now Im not sure if I even want to give him a warning. Hes just...stalking. He wont stop calling and/or texting my phone. There were three messages he left all at once that really sort of worried me... he was just so... mad. Every other word out of his mouth was Fuck and he jsut kept going on and on. It was all my fault and its my fault that he lost the job at A&T because he was working on my parents house, and this and that. I just feel like this part of me owes it to him, just give him a warning to back off. The part of me that still feels guilty for leaving him, the part of me that once loved him with all my heart. But the rest of me is just filled with so much hurt. The lies, the deception, the bull shit. Its just hard to believe I put up with it for so long. Ive finally figured out that I was staying because I knew he needed me, that I saw all this coming if I left him and it was just so much easier to stay with him than to leave him. He wasnt a bad friend either- he was my best friend, at least in the beginning. Towards the end everything just fell apart. I was realizing that I was with him for him and not for me. I wasnt leaving him not because I loved him too much to, but because he loved me too much to. Its like hearing a child scream for you and just hearing panic there but trying to walk away. Then everything just unfolded and the more that came out, the more I hurt. Then I just lost all respect for him and I realized everything that was out there. I realized the one person who had been helping me through it all. Now Im even crazier for him than I was ever for Steve but I cant do anything about it, not till he comes home from this damn war. It kills me. Its like everything you want is sitting right in front of you, but you cant touch it, you cant have it. Its like when you were three and you wanted the ice cream SOO bad but mom and dad said no because it was time for bed and you could have it tomorrow night. All day long you wait for that ice cream and then they tell you, No honey, one more night, its too late.... its just frustrating to finally feel like Im in the right place at the right time and he has to leave. I know that my brother doesnt think too much of it and that they have both grown apart and founght and arent talking right now and that hurts me. They were such good friends and then I came in the mix and threw everything off balance. Some how I feel like this is a smidgent my fault. Not all of it, both parties were thick headed and the deployment didnt help again. But Robert really hurt Pup, I could hear that when we talked. He was his boy and he felt like he was walking away. Robert was watching his best friend and mentor leave to go fight a war. A war that causes people to die, people to come home on Med Vac flights, those calls he has to answer. He told me of the sick feeling that he got when he goes out to those plans, not knowing who was on and not knowing. I pray to god that he never has to go out and find our Pup, our new, strange part of our family on one of those. Its one of the nightmares I keep seeing in my sleep. That plane landing and hes there and he calls and I fall apart. I dont know when I started to feel as much as I did for him, but all I know is that I just want the chance to see where it will go. Im not saying I want him to drop everything and marry me, I just want to see what will happen if we give "us" a chance. All I can do is write and go to school and pray and trust in god that he wont take this man out of my life before he has a chance to truely be in it. It tears me up inside what he has to go and do, but when can I do but sit and wait it out? I know what everyone says, dont miss an oppotunity to find someone else, but if your heart is screaming at you to follow it, to trust it just once. To trust someone else just once, what can you do? Tell it no? Say hmmm.. nope, people think its a bad idea. I have no clue who Ill meet in the next two years, but between school and helping out here at home and spending the extra time at work and any left over with friends, who knows. I dont know, Im not saying no to anything and Im not saying yes. All Im saying is that right now, I feel how Im feeling and I dont know anything else but that.
Wow.... never meant for that to be that long. I just got started on a tangent and it kept coming. These are some of the things that are just trapped inside my head, wondering which way to go and what to do, but I have no clue myself, so how.... I dont know. After I add schoool and the cost of books and money all into the mix... it get tiring. I just want my damn switch to turn it off! Ohh well. Ill deal, I always do.