And It Went Like This
Title: And It Went Like This
Author: countingcr0ws
Pairing/ Characters: Yunjae
Rating: R
Form: One-shot
Genre: AU, Happy, Romance
Summary: Yunho meets his college crush again after a long time.
Inspired by: Life
Note: Er, this is really really long (a little over 7K words), so you'll probably have to sit down for a while. And don't skim. Really. :A;/ I took so long to write this. ;A;/
I've never thought that I would see him again.
Relationships, in my opinion always had a sardonic edge to it, like the weather; completely beyond your control.
Things came and went, faded and surfaced however they pleased.
People could go from best friends to something more regretful than strangers within a mere day, never able to look each other in the eye anymore.
I slowly learnt to let things run its course, increasingly jaded as the time passed.
-
His hair was a warm brown, a fluffy head of layers and wisps, and I found myself thinking the same things that I used to, because how long had he spent on his hair? Had he improved his timing?
"I'm getting the baked rice."
Dropping my eyes quickly to look at my colleague, I nodded distractedly before scanning through the menu, not really registering anything. I had never thought that I would see him again. The mere fact that we were in the same room once more after so long had my heart beating out of control.
"You should get the meatballs. They were so good," Changmin affirmed earnestly at the page I was looking at, but my attention span was entirely shot. I couldn't focus, and the pictures were a mess of colours to my unresponsive eyes.
"I'll order first. You're like a stupid blockhead today," He grumbled unhappily, and I nodded blankly in agreement, looking up just in time to watch him wave for the attention of the waiter- oh god, oh god- waiter Jaejoong.
Jerking to stand suddenly, my abdomen connected heavily with the table. Changmin barely spared me an annoyed glance as I fell back into the booth with a loud oof, the polished cutleries clinking as they clattered back onto the surface noisily. I quickly ducked lower behind the menu as he neared. I had been too busy staring at his face and hair to notice the fitted black apron, and nothing was making sense anymore. Why was he working in Changmin's newest favourite restaurant? Why was his hair like that? Why did Changmin have to order food? Why did people have to eat? I could see him coming from the corner of my eye, and I wasn't ready. I would never be.
"Hey! You're back!" His friendly, enthusiastic, greeting made me sink even lower. I had forgotten how his voice sounded, and the sheer satisfaction I derived from the revision was dizzying.
I pressed my chin against the table top to steady myself.
"Yeah, I actually brought my colleague along today," Changmin replied easily, and the sheer intimacy between them was terribly traumatizing.
"Hello, welcome to- oh my god, Yunho sunbae?"
His voice hitched at the end, and I mentally face-palmed at the instantaneous recognition while simultaneously conjuring false surprise at his presence.
"Hey! Jaejoongie!"
-
I occasionally entertained thoughts of how it would be like if I ever met him again, but it never amounted to anything concrete. My brain would turn fuzzy at the prospect, and I would give up at the utter impossibility.
But if my brain had managed to conjure anything, it would certainly have been times better than the situation that was playing out right now.
"What are you doing here?" We asked simultaneously, and I shifted nervously, registering Changmin resting his chin on his hands contemplatively as if he was watching a convoluted daytime drama with too many inter-crossing relationships. Not too far a stretch, really.
The unanticipated rapport seemed to amuse Jaejoong anyway, and his signature laughter bubbled from his throat.
God knows how long I had been finding for somebody with that unabashed sincerity.
The familiarity had me smiling, and he looked better up close, a little more defined, like his personality had set, and the self-assurance that radiated off him was unlike the shaky confidence he used to sport.
"If you guys are colleagues, then you're a corporate lawyer at Baer & Memphis too?" His hands were tucked within his apron, and there was the faint clicking sound as he played with his pen.
I just smiled helplessly with a light shrug that he didn't seem to mind.
"I knew you'd make it. You just had that drive, you know?"
The pen was out now, and I couldn't help but laugh at the clenched fist that he was shaking in emphasis. I couldn't remember why I had initially been so apprehensive to speak to him. He had remained the same, I idly noted as I smiled at the bear perched at the top of the pen distractedly.
"What about you?" I asked as I circled the shop with my finger before pointing at him, a quiet question if it belonged to him.
He used to talk about opening his own eatery, and it wouldn't be too hard to imagine that the 'top class joint' that Changmin favoured actually belonged to him.
A modest smile was his reply, and I nodded with an approving grin. There were really too many things beyond our control, I guess, and I couldn't help but think how nice it'd be in control of fate to mess with people's heads for a living- to throw in a few impossible coincidences just for daytime tickles.
-
It was not until the middle of the meal that Changmin launched into attack mode.
"So you like him?" The forkful of spaghetti Bolognese I had just fed myself shot out of my mouth immediately, the furthest strand looking like a stab victim with the meat sauce and spit around it.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" I hurriedly rushed out as I scrambled to wipe the mess.
"So?" Changmin prompted anyway, and I paused to look at him.
Did I like him? Heck, I was almost obsessed with him then. There was a reason as to why you liked a person, and even after decades, the qualities that attracted you then would still appeal to you. You would never stop liking the person you once fancied.
I first met him during the booth at our university's open house. I had been drafted by the president of my faculty's student club to man the Law booth out of the blue, and because Yoochun hadn't bothered to introduce me to the others, I spent a lot of time wandering about the bustle when a lost Jaejoong had tapped my shoulder asking for directions.
The initially short exchange lengthened at the knowledge that I was a law student as he proceeded to ask me a whole list of questions regarding my course (from the friend who had bailed on him). It was too easy to talk to him, and it took me no time to make the decision to ditch my duties to show him about the campus.
I had never been officially into guys (and it maintains till now), but I found myself thinking then that he was incredibly good looking, the clear complexion and the neatly styled brown hair. It was probably (very definitely) also exacerbated with the sensitivity from the not-too-distant breakup with my cheating girlfriend then. The quiet earnestness while he listened and the knack he possessed for remembering the tiniest details made me feel appreciated and valued, of which were things my esteem needed a lot of back then.
I didn't know how to reply Changmin without sounding crazy, because it was definitely not a yes. The answer was much much more complex, and I would probably have to include the galaxy, the universe, horses, ships, and homework into it to adequately express how I felt for him.
Back then it was just a soft spot. We continued to meet after school started, to study or just to hang out together. Sometimes the notorious friend that had stood him up on the open house would tag along, but it didn't happen often.
He was open about his preference for guys, and the queue that had formed was astounding, probably from the qualities that had attracted me too. I loved the boundless energy that was him, and the honest sincerity that came along, even the obsessive preoccupation with his appearance that I never could understand because in my eyes, he was simply, completely perfect. The weird theories and the little details about him that I learnt; I loved them all. My heart leapt whenever he smiled, and stumbled whenever he laughed.
And the more I loved him, the more I worked to conceal my feelings. I slowly learnt to compartmentalise it, and it turned into a longing that throbbed in the background.
He was the kind of brightness that I couldn't behold, the kind of flawless that I couldn't match up to. I would never be enough for him, and he quickly became the criteria that I looked for.
A bright smile, a loud personality, a sincere ear, an obligatory vanity. I searched for so long, but nothing ever came close to the original.
Changmin sighed at the silence had probably stretched for too long. He looked at me with an offended expression as he tugged the tissue out of my hand roughly to wipe up the mess that I had created.
"So were you guys ever together?"
I shook my head vehemently as I gaped at him. I could never date him, and he would never go out with me.
"You guys should have," he replied easily before swallowing his food. "It would have been fun," he finished simply, and I stared at his shit-faced grin with stark displeasure, the fork in my hand quivering with the sheer force I exerted.
The urge to stab his offensive hand was impossible to suppress.
- -
It was too easy to be caught up in the whirlwind that was Jaejoong.
After a trade of our new numbers, the flurry of messages began once more, and I wasn't as hesitant as I used to be, probably due to the resignation that things would take its due course. He was an old friend that I once had, albeit one that I used to love beyond myself. He was an old friend that I still nursed a soft spot for, with feelings that platonic friendships shouldn't possess, but I didn't expect for us to be together at all. On the contrary, I was still avidly looking out for the one that was like him, never mind that Changmin had taken it upon him to announce randomly now and then that Jaejoong was single.
It didn't matter.
It really didn't.
- - -
The restaurant had long closed, and I sat at the corner booth, looking through my take-home work, occasionally sneaking glances at Jaejoong who was furiously wiping his section of the restaurant in a speed competition with his employee.
He had removed his apron, and the position I was in gave my eyes a good treat into his shirt whenever he bent over to wipe the furniture.
I was careful to look around before staring, afraid of being caught.
How he managed to find time to maintain his pectorals despite his flourishing business was beyond me. Shifting uncomfortably, I pressed my chest as inconspicuously as I could manage before sighing heavily at the papers in defeat. I really needed to visit the gym more often.
The next time I looked up was when somebody slid into the booth with a tired smile.
It had begun to rain outside.
"You had 'Lawyer Jung' going on again." He said with a wan smile as I watched the overhead lamp create shadows under his eyes. He reminded me of a satisfied-but-weary child after a long day at the amusement park, and I had the urge to lean across to press a kiss on his temple.
He was the embodiment of the various layers of a perfume, different notes dominating at different times.
In the day he was a whirlwind that was too hard to grasp; in the night, a subdued flow that was embodied by the lower hum to his movements and mannerisms as the insecurities and contemplative thoughts set it in with the fatigue.
He seemed more tangible to me whenever it happened, like I could finally reach out to truly grasp a piece of him to savour without feeling inadequate.
"Are you sure you still want to catch the movie?" I asked in concern as he sank further into the chair.
A lifestyle magazine had featured his restaurant, and the crowd had multiplied exponentially, much to Changmin's utter displeasure because 'he had found the place first, and the crowd was ruining his dining experience.' Changmin was a complete closet hipster.
"We could take a rain check on that, you know that, right?" I offered worriedly at his exhaustion. Jaejoong suddenly let out a low chuckle before leaning forward slowly, as if it took all of him to peel himself off the upholstery.
"Bad pun, haha," he laughed lightly as he edged over. "Because I just checked, and it’s still raining," he slurred, and I froze as he laid his head on my shoulder.
"And I want to go today," he continued while I tried to focus on his voice desperately as my heart contracted, clenching erratically at the coupling of nerves and excitement.
"I dragged you out two weeks ago and it’s your turn now. Plus I don't know when I'll have my next off-day," he continued to mumble as he picked a sheet of my document up to read before replacing it with a frown.
"I'm too tired to talk," he stated blearily as he shifted his head deeper into the crook of my neck.
I inhaled the milky scent of his shampoo hungrily as it filled my nose, careful to not be caught.
"I'll nap for a while, and you'll do your work. Wake me up at eleven thirty before the movie begins." He instructed, and I didn't even nod. A strangled sound of assent was the best I could manage, but it seemed to suffice anyway as he shifted restlessly to search for a better position.
I desperately suppressed a shiver at the tactile sensation of his soft hair against my skin, careful not to disturb him.
Twenty excruciating minutes and just two lines later, I pushed my work aside, staring out of the shop front as the gravity of the circumstance sunk in. I had recently been overindulging so much that I couldn't bear to imagine what would happen if he left before I succeeded in finding his replacement. He had carved an even bigger hole for himself into my heart since our reunion, and I wasn't quite sure if anybody would be capable of patching it up.
The night dragged on, and I watched it slip past wordlessly as I worked to empty the fear in my heart.
-
He shifted lightly before suddenly shooting up, his head connecting sharply with my jaw. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" He practically flailed as he clutched my face, patting clumsily over where he had hit, suddenly starting once more as if remembering his initial concern about the time.
Pulling my right hand up with a rough tug to look at my watch, he stared for a few moments before collapsing bonelessly into my chest with a loud groan. My brain abdicated immediately, unable to conjure an appropriate response.
This was an unprecedented situation gifted from the god of crushes, but while my body was burning with excitement, I had the simultaneous urge to peel him off, conscious of the size of my chest.
I shifted nervously at the muffled wail while he burrowed deeper into the pits of fats that was my pectorals. The nap had shortened his thought processes as he acted on every single thing that came up in his sleep addled brain.
"I decided to take a rain check," I managed feebly, slightly apologetic now for being the cause of his disappointment.
I felt his laughter against my chest, and I felt my stomach lurch. Ooh, a new and incredibly dangerous sensation!
"Do you have an umbrella?" I managed with a strangled voice, trying my best to not focus on the bubbling happiness that was now spilling over southwards.
"Lent it to them," he referred to his employees, sighing heavily as he came up to pout at the situation at hand.
"We could share a cab?" I tried hopefully as he shook his head. "The midnight surcharge is exorbitant." He looked so grim; I would have thought that his cat had gotten herself pregnant after a wild romp. I jumped at the sudden slam of palm on the table.
"Let's run home. My home's only four blocks away, and we could watch any movie online." He turned to smirk at me, proud of his suggestion.
I wanted to say that it was ridiculous, four blocks was too far, and he was obviously too tired to even do anything. And was I the only one aware of the weather?
But as he started to wiggle his eyebrows like a complete pervert, I felt my resolve crumbling as I shoved at his head fondly. He laughed brightly, knowing that he had gotten his way.
"What about my briefcase?" I asked while clearing my papers in preparation to fulfil his crazy plan.
"Oh!" I watched as he got onto his feet to stumble to the counter.
"Ta-da!" He waved an oversized ziplock bag above his head triumphantly before returning to the booth. "After running home the last time, I decided to get something to store my stuff," he beamed as he brought the bag over. "I've actually been looking forward to using it," he confessed with a sheepish smile as he held it open for me to put my briefcase in before depositing his belongings into the bag.
Looking at his childish anticipation, I had the urge to buy a car to fetch him to-and-fro from work.
"Let's go!" He announced brightly, and his genuine but so terribly out-of-place chased a little of my hesitance away. Switching the lights off, we exited the shop from the back door.
Barely even a minute into the decision and regret had begun to set in. It was happening to soon, too fast, I groused unhappily as I tried desperately to shield myself from the rain while he locked the door.
Oh why, Yunho. Why?
I could feel the rainwater slowly seeping through my shirt and soaking it, the cold quickly pressing against my skin. I was terribly proud of my decision to change into casual wear before dropping by the cafe right now. My ingenuity had saved my suit.
He suddenly turned to look at me as he appraised my miserable state with a wide smile of amusement. Pulling my arm with the documents, we were suddenly off, running with his raucous laughter as accompaniment.
I kept slipping on the puddles, my shirt sticking uncomfortably onto my skin, and my ears were slowly going deaf with the roar of the relentless rain bent on breaking concrete. My shoes were thoroughly soaked, my fringe was hurting my eyes, and my ziplocked briefcase was slipping out of my wet hands. It was terrible if you focused on the details, but the adrenaline rush was steadily breaking through my 'Lawyer Jung' pragmatism to release the buried puerility within me.
Laughter bubbled out of my chest, and the sense of freedom that washed through me was boundless. It felt as if I could achieve anything, like the world had warped, and the rainy street that we were in was the focal point while the rest of the world shrunk and blurred into the edges.
We were larger than life right then, and if we stretched, we could fill the world within our hearts.
I was acutely aware of the sensation of his hand on my wrist, and the heat spread through my body like a buzz, making me shiver uncontrollably. It was marvellous; the feeling of running in the rain, his hand on mine.
It was a jubilant, heady ecstasy.
He turned to look at me, a knowing grin as if able to read my thoughts, and I found myself answering it with a shameless smile.
"It’s great, right?" He laughed loudly, dropping my hand to make a fancy twirl, his eyes closed, face upturned.
I watched breathlessly as the fine strings of rain fell upon his face like the strands of the raw silk I had watched in a documentary. The street was completely dark apart from the moonlight and the dim light from the sparse road lamps, and he looked so pale as the illumination reflected off his wet face; so fragile, so ephemeral, so out-of-this-world transient. My heart was tight at the revelation as I watched him, marking his presence in my head as I shut my lids slowly before counting to five as I pushed the noise of the deluge out in my mind.
This was it, and every dizzying, fathomless detail was happening at the present moment. The focus of my college life had really whirled himself back into my mundane lacklustre life, and there was so little time left. He was ethereal mid-spin under the moonlight, and I could lose him again.
I could lose Jaejoong once more, but for now, Jaejoong was back, and the thought was impossible to behold.
When I opened my eyes finally, he was gone.
I turned left, then right frantically. I knew that it was too impossible. Had he already disappeared? Had he even returned? I looked further beyond the street, before turning around wildly.
I wanted so desperately to hold him, to trace his face with my fingertips, to cup his soul in my mouth.
I wanted to love him, to trap him in my inadequacy.
I wanted to weigh him down so that he would never disappear, that the flame of my existence would always burn.
I wanted him so much more now, than I did in college back then.
"Hiyah!" There was a loud exclamation, and I nearly stumbled forward at the sudden weight that was launched against my back.
When I looked over my shoulder, my already runaway heart nearly gave way at the proximity of our lips.
My arms were already instinctively holding him up.
"You're going to carry me home!" He yelled in my ear, and I scowled at him, pretending to throw him off while I held his legs tightly. His noisy yells finally subsided when the flingings stopped, and he reached over to take my briefcase with a happy laugh before tucking it in the space between my back and his chest.
With an impatient squirm to my sides a short while later, I found my legs moving in tune to the rowdy laughter as I pressed him close with the awareness of his weight. Jaejoong was back and I had him in my arms (albeit with space for improvements) and despite the preposterousness of the situation, life had never been better.
-
"It's cold!" I repeated noisily in his bedroom while he looked for a change of clothes for the both of us.
"But we had fun," he deadpanned, ignoring me as he dug into his closet. He looked terribly pale under the white light, and I could see the veins that were showing at his throat.
I sniffed distractedly as he dropped a towel and a few scattered articles of clothes in my hands.
"I'll meet you in the living room, okay?" He wiped my matted fringe upwards casually before pushing me in the direction of the toilet and I felt myself shrinking at the contact. My skin burned, and it was enough to induce compliance as I covered the rest of a distance with a run, banging the door shut noisily with too much force.
The interior of the toilet seemed to have a common design like the rest of his house, and I leaned forward to trail the path of his fingers around my forehead. There was a distinct fear that lingered in my eyes, and I tried to stare it down.
While the knowledge that I wanted him scared me, it rising up once more beyond the sanctuary of the rain nearly pushed me over the edge. As I trailed after him in the house filled with the matching furniture he had obviously spent time selecting and acquiring, the need to feel him wreath beneath me at least once was all-consuming. I wanted to watch the spun perfection unravel under my fingers; I wanted to make him want me like I wanted him. And the unchecked virility scared me.
I looked away in disgust, unable to recognise the wildness that now filled my eyes.
-
"Have you ever watched Black Swan?" He looked up the moment I padded into the room, and I couldn't help but stare at the black spectacles perched on his nose. "You've changed your spectacles," I commented intelligently as a wide smile spread across his face.
"People usually do that after two years or so, Yunho," he gave me a poke in the arm as he took my wet towel and clothes over before heading for the laundry corner.
"You wouldn't mind if I did my week's laundry with your clothes right?" I rolled my eyes at the appreciation of his priceless concern of my welfare, the machine already mixed with our wet clothes and his old laundry.
He replied with the same breezy laugh, and I subtly memorised the brands he used while he shut the door with his knee, the drum filling with water as we trooped back to the living room.
I really wouldn't mind smelling like him any day. God knows how long I had spent inspecting the products in his toilet.
"So? Black Swan?" He asked again as he plopped onto the couch, tucking his legs under himself before replacing the cushion, then the laptop.
"Have you watched it?" I returned, a crooked smile on my lips at how he had initially insisted that it would be my turn to choose.
I didn't mind though. I wanted to watch anything he wanted to watch. Same difference, really.
"Nope," he replied brightly, and I shrugged in indication of my choice. It didn't matter anyway. He had already begun to load the movie while I was in the toilet, and was instead closing the other tabs on the browser at my agreement. I pushed him away with mock irritation as he leaned into me.
I liked him when he was assertive about his choices. It was amusing, the way he unconsciously steamrolled people as if retaliating after years of being bossed around by his eight elder sisters.
It reminded me of a mid-life rebellion of sorts, Jaejoong-style.
"We should watch on your bed," I picked the laptop up when he placed it onto me while he wiggled closer insistently.
I had the feeling that he would fall asleep in no time, and I laughed at the noisy huff behind my back as I made my way to his bedroom.
-
"Manly," I teased amusedly when the bright pink clip he produced from under the pillow went onto his head.
"It's a testament of my sister's love for me," he joked as he pulled the heavy blanket upwards to cover us properly. His fringe was standing in mid-air now, and because he looked so adorable, I pulled him closer under the guise of getting comfortable.
It was impossible to describe how normal it felt, the crinkly stiffness of his sheets against my legs, and the softness of the threadbare borrowed clothes against my skin.
He crossed a leg between mine under the covers, and I shifted, tucking his legs between mine with more force than necessary, oomphing when he shoved me in the belly. Jaejoong had always been the touchy type, and I was long accustomed to the level of intimacy of our relationship.
The earphones between us stretched as I leaned forward, and he hit me lightly once more as he pulled me back roughly. I pouted at him unhappily as I settled against the mountain of pillows.
It was barely twenty minutes into the movie when he suddenly reached for my hand. Acquiescing wordlessly, I shushed my nervous, over-excited heart that had begun beating on an overdrive, bent on felling me.
Changmin had pointed out Jaejoong's overly affectionate gestures when it came to me, and while I had been used to the others, hand-holding was a little over the top.
"My hands are cold," he suddenly supplied as if reading my mind, laughing lightly as he slowly pulled his hand away.
I immediately held on. "I'm warm," I replied simply in explanation as his eyes shot up, and I dismissed the flash of wild emotion in them, returning to the screen as my heart thumped at an insane volume.
‘You always want more, but when it comes to you on a silver platter, you send it away,’ I chastised myself as I ducked my head in shame, my thumb caressing the soft skin distractedly in apology to nobody in particular. If he wanted anything, I would give it, never mind the cost of it to my heart.
-
It was a little over fifty minutes when I finally noticed that he had fallen asleep, head tucked in the crook of my neck. Pausing the movie, I turned to tend to him before pausing to shut it off completely. Jaejoong would probably insist on completing it together, wouldn't he? I shifted him lower awkwardly before tugging the covers higher. Putting the laptop away, I paused for a moment.
Would Jaejoong mind if we slept together? Definitely not in the sexy way, but the platonic way. I think society had made such a huge issue out of the notion of adults merely sleeping together, that it felt like I was making the largest decision of my life, a decision that had the potential to break our relationship if I was taking advantage of him while he was unconscious.
But we're friends. Sleeping together is normal, I rationalised, when I balked at the sudden reminder that we were both men.
Another of society's countless fallacies, ugh.
Watching his soft, peaceful face, I reached to take his spectacles off, slowly folding them before putting them away. I wanted to touch him, to trace the slope of his jaw, to release the clip from his hair, but my hands were too afraid. I was going to take every opportunity that came up, but the ease in making the decision to stay beside him through the night scared me.
The weight of the determination slowly pulled me lower, drowning me in guilt.
- -
When I woke up, Jaejoong was gone. The knowledge made me groan, and I turned, burrowing my face into the pillow in acute disappointment. I laid like that for a few more moments, before deciding that it was probably better that he had left. I didn't know how to face him just yet.
He was sitting at the dining counter, hair still standing in the clip when I emerged from the room after washing up.
"Can I use your toothbrush to brush my teeth?"
"Yeah, sure," he looked up distractedly while scooping eggs onto the plate he had prepared for me. "Sure, sure," he continued to give me a series of successive nods, focused on the presentation of the eggs. I sat down quietly, awfully touched by the breakfast.
"You're not going to brush your teeth?"
"Already did," I replied suavely with an impish smile, laughing proudly when the look of disgust instantly morphed into confusion, then amusement.
"Yah!" He launched forward, and there was a sudden bang from under the table.
"What happened?" I barely managed through laughter, and he bared his teeth at me, nose scrunching, miffed at being the source of my entertainment.
"I wanted to kick you." He was pouting now, evidently changing tactics to gain sympathy despite his initial intention. I merely hummed quietly, slowly picking at his scrambled eggs, before putting a little into my mouth. When I looked up, he had pushed his face right in front of mine, his eyes shining with anticipation.
"What?" I asked instead, knowing his question but bent on toying with him. I took another bite as he huffed noisily, sitting back down to glare above my head.
"Aren't you going to stub your toe again?" I injected innocently, and the look that he tossed me was priceless. Pricelessly adorable, with no effect on me whatsoever, or at least with no effect that he intended.
"Oh my god, you suck," he hopped off the tall chair while collecting his plates and the frown on his face as he turned to leave triggered something in me.
"Oh fuck!" I swore as my toe smarted.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," the plates in his hands suddenly disappeared as he ran to my side to fuss over me noisily.
I had the sudden urge to pull him in for a fierce embrace. Settling for his hand instead, I circled the wrist of my love that was too bony from too much late-night planning.
He flinched at the contact as his eyes met mine. The undisguised annoyance in them made my heart squeeze. How did things turn out this way? Shaking my hand off as he turned to leave, my body went on autopilot. I really had never known it to be within me.
"Don't go, Jae," I held on as I pleaded, only to be shaken off without a backward glance.
"Don't," I repeated softly, but my actions were anything but. Jerking him towards me forcefully, I caught him as he fell into me, having not anticipated the pull.
"Don't go away like this," he looked up at me with a glare, still silent, and my hands were snaked around his waist, charting new grounds with a confidence that I wasn't feeling.
"I'm sorry." His body was so tense, coiled and ready for a fight. "I'm sorry that it turned out like this," I whispered into his neck, my fingers carding through his hair, long out of my control.
"I don't know-" he was squirming in my arms now, but I wasn't ready to let him go. I had so much that I wanted him to know before he ran out on me for sexual harassment.
It was essentially a suicide plot that didn't make much sense, but at least I would have done something.
"Don't be mad at me, Jae. I don't know how to say things when I need to, but I liked the breakfast. Heck, I loved the breakfast. I'd love anything that you cooked, even if I came from an experiment."
I took another deep breath before plowing on mindlessly, my brain long overheated.
"I'm sorry that I didn't thank you for the breakfast and for taking advantage of you when you fell asleep. I think that I'm ob- Fuck!" I flinched at the pain from the bite to my neck, my arms reflexively reaching for the spot, effectively releasing him.
"Serves you right." He tossed angrily, shoving me in the chest before picking the dishes up once more.
"I don't-" I sputtered terribly, the failure of my confession slowly setting in.
"Fuck, it's bleeding," I stared blankly at the red on my fingers. Looking into the length of mirror while furiously dabbing at the wound, I stared the wildness in my eyes down. At least he hadn't run out of the room, I comforted myself, and maybe he hadn't heard my crazy, halfway confession at the end.
Maybe we could still hang out together, and I could- I don't even know what I could do. I could ache? I could ache even harder for him like I did years ago, and it would never stop, and I would never move on.
"Jaejoong?" I began softly, and he didn't turn to look at me. "Jaejoong?" I pleaded this time, desperation taking over as I placed all my chips on the line, never mind that I disgusted him now.
"Jaejoong, I'm in love with you. I don't care if you don't feel the same, but I've been in love with you since ages back, and I love you so much that it hurts." My legs were moving on their own, crossing the threshold.
"I wake up every day looking forward to meet you so badly that my chest feels like it could explode. I know that I can't do things right, and there are better guys out there that worth more of your time, but-"
I paused impossibly, the knowledge of how stupid I sounded sinking in. I couldn't imagine him being with another person, waking up beside another person, sitting on another person's lap, wearing another person's clothes to sleep.
I wanted him so much that it scared me.
I wanted to monopolize every single second of his life; I wanted to twine my soul with his.
"But I want to be yours, to spend all of my life making you happy. I'll try harder, and I'd even buy you a car so you wouldn't have to walk under the rain, and I'd tell you that you cook well every single minute even if you tell me to stop because you really cook very well and I love you. I love you so much," the pain in my heart was multiplying, and I was glad that he hadn't turned back to look at me. I didn't want to see the rejection in his eyes.
I wrapped my arms around his waist lightly, and I trailed my nose up the soft skin of his neck, relishing in my piece of heaven. "I love you, so much," I whispered brokenly as I planted kisses onto the pale expanse, softly.
My fingers slipped hungrily under his shirt, trailing across the ridges of his muscled abdomen. "I love you so much," I breathed lowly as I pressed the evidence of my want onto him softly, leveraging on his lack of response, yet afraid of scaring him.
I felt my hands gliding across his milky skin as he turned, but I didn't move, my consciousness dulled with heady lust and satisfaction. I needed all the seconds that I could get.
He trailed a hand in my hair, smoothing down the curve of my neck, before pulling me closer, and our lips connected. I didn't know what it meant. An affirmation or a no-strings attached make out session, it didn't matter. Even though my heart bled impossibly, some things were just better off unanswered.
And it was better than I had ever imagined, the soft wetness shifting to assume the centre of my consciousness. There was an ineffable sweetness that tasted incredibly Jaejoong, and I took it hungrily without question (not daring to, either) when he deepened the kiss. I moved in tandem, a physical Morse code of the expanse of love I possessed for him.
His hardness pressed through the layers of cotton, and I ran my hand across the bulge, swallowing his soft whimper as he rutched against me. There were boundaries though, and my hands wandered no further while I conveyed my frustration through our connection.
Cupping the curve of his bare behind, I pulled him closer, grinding our hardness against each other slowly as he keened. Deciding to exploit the lack of rejection just yet, I thrusted harder, while driving him further with my wandering hands. I was desperate to make him come undone, to hear him whine for me.
Throwing my dignity away as I humped him vigorously through the layers of cloth while my finger circled his soft, wam entrance. As I felt his body tighten, I sped up exponentially, pushing him further towards the edge relentlessly. when he gasped, mewling wantonly, as his ring of muscles clenched around my finger before coming with a cry of my name.
As he slowly descended from the ecstasy, all that transpired between us was the heavy breathing. Burying my face into his hair in embarrassment, my ears flushed at the gravity of my deeds. Luxuriating in the softness of his hair for the last time, my hands shifted back to the less-explicit layer, ready to be pushed away. But I hoped that at least I had a chance to be his sex partner. I had at least marginally proved my worth, hadn't I?
He too mirrored my position, hands surrendered, flushed cheeks pressed against my skin. The silence stretched on between us, and I pulled away finally, incredibly self-conscious.
"Don't," he whimpered almost inaudibly, quickly closing the distance I had just created between our chests. I stared blankly at the walls of his kitchen, biting down on my lips to ground me in the swelling guilt of my lack of control.
"Why?" I murmured brokenly, shamelessly capitalising on the position to stroke the small of his back, while waiting for the axe to fall.
I wondered if Jaejoong knew the extent of the power he wielded over me.
He simply shook his head, and I couldn't resist, lavishing in the opportunity, to boldly draw circles on bare flesh. I was lost, possessing nary an ounce of discipline.
"I'm embarrassed," he finally replied, and the answer stumped me as I waited for him to continue with perplexed patience. "We're not even together and I've came in my pants," he completed haltingly with palpable mortification, and the incongruity of it with that of my expectations was so impossible that I burst out laughing instead.
"You're always laughing at me!" He hissed unhappily with a poke, and I gave him a tight squeeze I return.
"God, I love you so much," I professed lowly, and the way it rolled or my tongue easily astounded me. The lightness I felt within me was incredible.
There was a soft hum, and I felt the vibration of his voice box on my shoulder. "I know, me too," he replied brightly with Jaejoong-esque lightness, and I nodded, before starting.
What?
"What did you say?" I practically yelled as I tore apart, distractedly noting how his cheeks flushed adorably at the direct eye contact.
"I said that I loved you. Too." He replied squarely, and my mouth fell open instantaneously.
Wait, what?
"God, this is so embarrassing," he shifted nervously, surreptitiously turning a deeper pink. "I can't stop thinking of how needy my body is," he complained unhappily, but I was too floored to even process anything properly.
Jaejoong loved me. Too. I had the impossible urge to run laps while waving my hands and proclaiming my victory at the top of my lungs like a complete, utter idiot.
"And it's taken you so long to get around confessing," he made a noise of disapproval before pushing me backwards.
"I'm going to change. The stickiness is getting into me," he turned a slight pink at his own words, and he had barely taken a few steps when I pulled him back.
"You love me?" I asked stupidly, and he gave me a distracted nod.
"Yes, I love you Jung Yunho. I can repeat that a few more times later, but now isn't a good time."
"No, it definitely is a good time," I insisted firmly, not releasing his hand. "When did it happen?"
He sighed noisily in unhappiness, but that was unimportant too. "Since school," he shrugged casually with a pout. I indicated eagerly for him to continue.
"You remember the day we went to watch Batman? You were staring at me throughout the whole movie, then you kept spacing out on me afterwards." He rolled his eyes brilliantly, but that was likewise, irrelevant.
"Then you avoided me for two weeks straight. Do you remember?"
I nodded slowly. It was while watching the bright expressions on his face that day, that I realised how much I loved him.
"I was initially hurt, but within a week, I realised that you probably liked me, because you're an open book. I figured that I did too, and I even formulated an answer in the event where you'd confess, but we went out a week after and you didn't. So I danced about the issue with you," he shrugged casually and he closed the distance to poke at my belly once more. I could envision it becoming a habit, really.
"And then?" I prompted suavely as he sighed for the second time.
"And then, he decided on his own that we were going to have a sharing session to inflate his ego."
I shook my head disapprovingly, unamused by his snarky reply as he slumped in defeat, shifting unhappily.
"Firstly, Yunho. Are we together now?" He asked, and I nodded quickly, my head bobbing desperately. It seemed to satisfy him as I received a bright peck on my cheek that made my loins clench.
"And then you stopped contacting me when you graduated, but I still thought that you were cute. When we met again, I decided that there was some element of fate in our relationship." He grinned at me widely.
"And so, I continued to play with fire, only that the stakes were higher now." He traced my jaw teasingly, and I grabbed him, pulling him up close, intentionally smearing the mess in his pants with the shift. There was an annoyed glare in return.
"And then?" I continued to press on, shifting stealthily as his eyes narrowed at me in warning.
"Still? We're still continuing with this?" His voice hitched in unchecked annoyance, and I indicated coolly for him to continue.
"And then I waited for you to break, because you didn't suppress your feelings as much this time," he slapped the hand that was at his waistband away.
"Just so you know, I don't randomly touch, hold, or lean on people that much, okay? I did it because I wanted to push you further, and I always get jumpy whenever you make the first move." I nodded distractedly, mildly annoyed at myself for not realising and crossing the boundary earlier.
Damn him for being so affectionate in the first place.
"So can I leave now?" He asked haughtily as he attempted to peel my hands off him with a frown.
"No, love," I hummed lowly, and the pet name seemed to throw him off momentarily, his eyes widening with soft surprise as he gaped at me. Leveraging on the falter, I maneuvered him towards the dining table, tipping him over while pulling the elastic top of his bottoms down.
"You can leave after this round," I replied sweetly, smiling at the lust that was spreading and mixing thickly with the irritation on his face. "Or I could help to clean both messes up after this round, and we could move on with the third," I suggested lowly with an almost leer, licking my lips slowly as I trailed the thick vein with my fingertips while a soft, strangled breath escaped his lips.
Maybe there were relationships that came and went like the weather, played by the game of fate, but I was sure that I would be fighting tooth and nail for our coupling even if it ran against the current of predetermined destiny.
I was playing with fire, and the stakes were higher, but it didn't matter, I thought to myself as I lowered to wrap my lips around pleasure, a pleased hum rolling in my throat as Jaejoong's fists bunched tightly in my hair.
- - - - -
Edited: 19/04/14
Edited A/N: That was a whopping 22 pages, and I nearly died editing this.
This goes out to ligerliger (honestly) who's incredibly busy these days.
I've edited it, and tbh, I'm quite pleased with the outcome. It flows better now, and the expressions are much clearer after the editing. The thoughts are more concise and I think that I did a better job of conveying the storyline this time round. Leave a comment though, because exams are coming and I spent the day doing this. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻) I am evidently out of my mind.
Leave a comment because it'd make me so damn happy! :O
Prev Chap | Next Chap
Author: countingcr0ws
Pairing/ Characters: Yunjae
Rating: R
Form: One-shot
Genre: AU, Happy, Romance
Summary: Yunho meets his college crush again after a long time.
Inspired by: Life
Note: Er, this is really really long (a little over 7K words), so you'll probably have to sit down for a while. And don't skim. Really. :A;/ I took so long to write this. ;A;/
I've never thought that I would see him again.
Relationships, in my opinion always had a sardonic edge to it, like the weather; completely beyond your control.
Things came and went, faded and surfaced however they pleased.
People could go from best friends to something more regretful than strangers within a mere day, never able to look each other in the eye anymore.
I slowly learnt to let things run its course, increasingly jaded as the time passed.
-
His hair was a warm brown, a fluffy head of layers and wisps, and I found myself thinking the same things that I used to, because how long had he spent on his hair? Had he improved his timing?
"I'm getting the baked rice."
Dropping my eyes quickly to look at my colleague, I nodded distractedly before scanning through the menu, not really registering anything. I had never thought that I would see him again. The mere fact that we were in the same room once more after so long had my heart beating out of control.
"You should get the meatballs. They were so good," Changmin affirmed earnestly at the page I was looking at, but my attention span was entirely shot. I couldn't focus, and the pictures were a mess of colours to my unresponsive eyes.
"I'll order first. You're like a stupid blockhead today," He grumbled unhappily, and I nodded blankly in agreement, looking up just in time to watch him wave for the attention of the waiter- oh god, oh god- waiter Jaejoong.
Jerking to stand suddenly, my abdomen connected heavily with the table. Changmin barely spared me an annoyed glance as I fell back into the booth with a loud oof, the polished cutleries clinking as they clattered back onto the surface noisily. I quickly ducked lower behind the menu as he neared. I had been too busy staring at his face and hair to notice the fitted black apron, and nothing was making sense anymore. Why was he working in Changmin's newest favourite restaurant? Why was his hair like that? Why did Changmin have to order food? Why did people have to eat? I could see him coming from the corner of my eye, and I wasn't ready. I would never be.
"Hey! You're back!" His friendly, enthusiastic, greeting made me sink even lower. I had forgotten how his voice sounded, and the sheer satisfaction I derived from the revision was dizzying.
I pressed my chin against the table top to steady myself.
"Yeah, I actually brought my colleague along today," Changmin replied easily, and the sheer intimacy between them was terribly traumatizing.
"Hello, welcome to- oh my god, Yunho sunbae?"
His voice hitched at the end, and I mentally face-palmed at the instantaneous recognition while simultaneously conjuring false surprise at his presence.
"Hey! Jaejoongie!"
-
I occasionally entertained thoughts of how it would be like if I ever met him again, but it never amounted to anything concrete. My brain would turn fuzzy at the prospect, and I would give up at the utter impossibility.
But if my brain had managed to conjure anything, it would certainly have been times better than the situation that was playing out right now.
"What are you doing here?" We asked simultaneously, and I shifted nervously, registering Changmin resting his chin on his hands contemplatively as if he was watching a convoluted daytime drama with too many inter-crossing relationships. Not too far a stretch, really.
The unanticipated rapport seemed to amuse Jaejoong anyway, and his signature laughter bubbled from his throat.
God knows how long I had been finding for somebody with that unabashed sincerity.
The familiarity had me smiling, and he looked better up close, a little more defined, like his personality had set, and the self-assurance that radiated off him was unlike the shaky confidence he used to sport.
"If you guys are colleagues, then you're a corporate lawyer at Baer & Memphis too?" His hands were tucked within his apron, and there was the faint clicking sound as he played with his pen.
I just smiled helplessly with a light shrug that he didn't seem to mind.
"I knew you'd make it. You just had that drive, you know?"
The pen was out now, and I couldn't help but laugh at the clenched fist that he was shaking in emphasis. I couldn't remember why I had initially been so apprehensive to speak to him. He had remained the same, I idly noted as I smiled at the bear perched at the top of the pen distractedly.
"What about you?" I asked as I circled the shop with my finger before pointing at him, a quiet question if it belonged to him.
He used to talk about opening his own eatery, and it wouldn't be too hard to imagine that the 'top class joint' that Changmin favoured actually belonged to him.
A modest smile was his reply, and I nodded with an approving grin. There were really too many things beyond our control, I guess, and I couldn't help but think how nice it'd be in control of fate to mess with people's heads for a living- to throw in a few impossible coincidences just for daytime tickles.
-
It was not until the middle of the meal that Changmin launched into attack mode.
"So you like him?" The forkful of spaghetti Bolognese I had just fed myself shot out of my mouth immediately, the furthest strand looking like a stab victim with the meat sauce and spit around it.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" I hurriedly rushed out as I scrambled to wipe the mess.
"So?" Changmin prompted anyway, and I paused to look at him.
Did I like him? Heck, I was almost obsessed with him then. There was a reason as to why you liked a person, and even after decades, the qualities that attracted you then would still appeal to you. You would never stop liking the person you once fancied.
I first met him during the booth at our university's open house. I had been drafted by the president of my faculty's student club to man the Law booth out of the blue, and because Yoochun hadn't bothered to introduce me to the others, I spent a lot of time wandering about the bustle when a lost Jaejoong had tapped my shoulder asking for directions.
The initially short exchange lengthened at the knowledge that I was a law student as he proceeded to ask me a whole list of questions regarding my course (from the friend who had bailed on him). It was too easy to talk to him, and it took me no time to make the decision to ditch my duties to show him about the campus.
I had never been officially into guys (and it maintains till now), but I found myself thinking then that he was incredibly good looking, the clear complexion and the neatly styled brown hair. It was probably (very definitely) also exacerbated with the sensitivity from the not-too-distant breakup with my cheating girlfriend then. The quiet earnestness while he listened and the knack he possessed for remembering the tiniest details made me feel appreciated and valued, of which were things my esteem needed a lot of back then.
I didn't know how to reply Changmin without sounding crazy, because it was definitely not a yes. The answer was much much more complex, and I would probably have to include the galaxy, the universe, horses, ships, and homework into it to adequately express how I felt for him.
Back then it was just a soft spot. We continued to meet after school started, to study or just to hang out together. Sometimes the notorious friend that had stood him up on the open house would tag along, but it didn't happen often.
He was open about his preference for guys, and the queue that had formed was astounding, probably from the qualities that had attracted me too. I loved the boundless energy that was him, and the honest sincerity that came along, even the obsessive preoccupation with his appearance that I never could understand because in my eyes, he was simply, completely perfect. The weird theories and the little details about him that I learnt; I loved them all. My heart leapt whenever he smiled, and stumbled whenever he laughed.
And the more I loved him, the more I worked to conceal my feelings. I slowly learnt to compartmentalise it, and it turned into a longing that throbbed in the background.
He was the kind of brightness that I couldn't behold, the kind of flawless that I couldn't match up to. I would never be enough for him, and he quickly became the criteria that I looked for.
A bright smile, a loud personality, a sincere ear, an obligatory vanity. I searched for so long, but nothing ever came close to the original.
Changmin sighed at the silence had probably stretched for too long. He looked at me with an offended expression as he tugged the tissue out of my hand roughly to wipe up the mess that I had created.
"So were you guys ever together?"
I shook my head vehemently as I gaped at him. I could never date him, and he would never go out with me.
"You guys should have," he replied easily before swallowing his food. "It would have been fun," he finished simply, and I stared at his shit-faced grin with stark displeasure, the fork in my hand quivering with the sheer force I exerted.
The urge to stab his offensive hand was impossible to suppress.
- -
It was too easy to be caught up in the whirlwind that was Jaejoong.
After a trade of our new numbers, the flurry of messages began once more, and I wasn't as hesitant as I used to be, probably due to the resignation that things would take its due course. He was an old friend that I once had, albeit one that I used to love beyond myself. He was an old friend that I still nursed a soft spot for, with feelings that platonic friendships shouldn't possess, but I didn't expect for us to be together at all. On the contrary, I was still avidly looking out for the one that was like him, never mind that Changmin had taken it upon him to announce randomly now and then that Jaejoong was single.
It didn't matter.
It really didn't.
- - -
The restaurant had long closed, and I sat at the corner booth, looking through my take-home work, occasionally sneaking glances at Jaejoong who was furiously wiping his section of the restaurant in a speed competition with his employee.
He had removed his apron, and the position I was in gave my eyes a good treat into his shirt whenever he bent over to wipe the furniture.
I was careful to look around before staring, afraid of being caught.
How he managed to find time to maintain his pectorals despite his flourishing business was beyond me. Shifting uncomfortably, I pressed my chest as inconspicuously as I could manage before sighing heavily at the papers in defeat. I really needed to visit the gym more often.
The next time I looked up was when somebody slid into the booth with a tired smile.
It had begun to rain outside.
"You had 'Lawyer Jung' going on again." He said with a wan smile as I watched the overhead lamp create shadows under his eyes. He reminded me of a satisfied-but-weary child after a long day at the amusement park, and I had the urge to lean across to press a kiss on his temple.
He was the embodiment of the various layers of a perfume, different notes dominating at different times.
In the day he was a whirlwind that was too hard to grasp; in the night, a subdued flow that was embodied by the lower hum to his movements and mannerisms as the insecurities and contemplative thoughts set it in with the fatigue.
He seemed more tangible to me whenever it happened, like I could finally reach out to truly grasp a piece of him to savour without feeling inadequate.
"Are you sure you still want to catch the movie?" I asked in concern as he sank further into the chair.
A lifestyle magazine had featured his restaurant, and the crowd had multiplied exponentially, much to Changmin's utter displeasure because 'he had found the place first, and the crowd was ruining his dining experience.' Changmin was a complete closet hipster.
"We could take a rain check on that, you know that, right?" I offered worriedly at his exhaustion. Jaejoong suddenly let out a low chuckle before leaning forward slowly, as if it took all of him to peel himself off the upholstery.
"Bad pun, haha," he laughed lightly as he edged over. "Because I just checked, and it’s still raining," he slurred, and I froze as he laid his head on my shoulder.
"And I want to go today," he continued while I tried to focus on his voice desperately as my heart contracted, clenching erratically at the coupling of nerves and excitement.
"I dragged you out two weeks ago and it’s your turn now. Plus I don't know when I'll have my next off-day," he continued to mumble as he picked a sheet of my document up to read before replacing it with a frown.
"I'm too tired to talk," he stated blearily as he shifted his head deeper into the crook of my neck.
I inhaled the milky scent of his shampoo hungrily as it filled my nose, careful to not be caught.
"I'll nap for a while, and you'll do your work. Wake me up at eleven thirty before the movie begins." He instructed, and I didn't even nod. A strangled sound of assent was the best I could manage, but it seemed to suffice anyway as he shifted restlessly to search for a better position.
I desperately suppressed a shiver at the tactile sensation of his soft hair against my skin, careful not to disturb him.
Twenty excruciating minutes and just two lines later, I pushed my work aside, staring out of the shop front as the gravity of the circumstance sunk in. I had recently been overindulging so much that I couldn't bear to imagine what would happen if he left before I succeeded in finding his replacement. He had carved an even bigger hole for himself into my heart since our reunion, and I wasn't quite sure if anybody would be capable of patching it up.
The night dragged on, and I watched it slip past wordlessly as I worked to empty the fear in my heart.
-
He shifted lightly before suddenly shooting up, his head connecting sharply with my jaw. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" He practically flailed as he clutched my face, patting clumsily over where he had hit, suddenly starting once more as if remembering his initial concern about the time.
Pulling my right hand up with a rough tug to look at my watch, he stared for a few moments before collapsing bonelessly into my chest with a loud groan. My brain abdicated immediately, unable to conjure an appropriate response.
This was an unprecedented situation gifted from the god of crushes, but while my body was burning with excitement, I had the simultaneous urge to peel him off, conscious of the size of my chest.
I shifted nervously at the muffled wail while he burrowed deeper into the pits of fats that was my pectorals. The nap had shortened his thought processes as he acted on every single thing that came up in his sleep addled brain.
"I decided to take a rain check," I managed feebly, slightly apologetic now for being the cause of his disappointment.
I felt his laughter against my chest, and I felt my stomach lurch. Ooh, a new and incredibly dangerous sensation!
"Do you have an umbrella?" I managed with a strangled voice, trying my best to not focus on the bubbling happiness that was now spilling over southwards.
"Lent it to them," he referred to his employees, sighing heavily as he came up to pout at the situation at hand.
"We could share a cab?" I tried hopefully as he shook his head. "The midnight surcharge is exorbitant." He looked so grim; I would have thought that his cat had gotten herself pregnant after a wild romp. I jumped at the sudden slam of palm on the table.
"Let's run home. My home's only four blocks away, and we could watch any movie online." He turned to smirk at me, proud of his suggestion.
I wanted to say that it was ridiculous, four blocks was too far, and he was obviously too tired to even do anything. And was I the only one aware of the weather?
But as he started to wiggle his eyebrows like a complete pervert, I felt my resolve crumbling as I shoved at his head fondly. He laughed brightly, knowing that he had gotten his way.
"What about my briefcase?" I asked while clearing my papers in preparation to fulfil his crazy plan.
"Oh!" I watched as he got onto his feet to stumble to the counter.
"Ta-da!" He waved an oversized ziplock bag above his head triumphantly before returning to the booth. "After running home the last time, I decided to get something to store my stuff," he beamed as he brought the bag over. "I've actually been looking forward to using it," he confessed with a sheepish smile as he held it open for me to put my briefcase in before depositing his belongings into the bag.
Looking at his childish anticipation, I had the urge to buy a car to fetch him to-and-fro from work.
"Let's go!" He announced brightly, and his genuine but so terribly out-of-place chased a little of my hesitance away. Switching the lights off, we exited the shop from the back door.
Barely even a minute into the decision and regret had begun to set in. It was happening to soon, too fast, I groused unhappily as I tried desperately to shield myself from the rain while he locked the door.
Oh why, Yunho. Why?
I could feel the rainwater slowly seeping through my shirt and soaking it, the cold quickly pressing against my skin. I was terribly proud of my decision to change into casual wear before dropping by the cafe right now. My ingenuity had saved my suit.
He suddenly turned to look at me as he appraised my miserable state with a wide smile of amusement. Pulling my arm with the documents, we were suddenly off, running with his raucous laughter as accompaniment.
I kept slipping on the puddles, my shirt sticking uncomfortably onto my skin, and my ears were slowly going deaf with the roar of the relentless rain bent on breaking concrete. My shoes were thoroughly soaked, my fringe was hurting my eyes, and my ziplocked briefcase was slipping out of my wet hands. It was terrible if you focused on the details, but the adrenaline rush was steadily breaking through my 'Lawyer Jung' pragmatism to release the buried puerility within me.
Laughter bubbled out of my chest, and the sense of freedom that washed through me was boundless. It felt as if I could achieve anything, like the world had warped, and the rainy street that we were in was the focal point while the rest of the world shrunk and blurred into the edges.
We were larger than life right then, and if we stretched, we could fill the world within our hearts.
I was acutely aware of the sensation of his hand on my wrist, and the heat spread through my body like a buzz, making me shiver uncontrollably. It was marvellous; the feeling of running in the rain, his hand on mine.
It was a jubilant, heady ecstasy.
He turned to look at me, a knowing grin as if able to read my thoughts, and I found myself answering it with a shameless smile.
"It’s great, right?" He laughed loudly, dropping my hand to make a fancy twirl, his eyes closed, face upturned.
I watched breathlessly as the fine strings of rain fell upon his face like the strands of the raw silk I had watched in a documentary. The street was completely dark apart from the moonlight and the dim light from the sparse road lamps, and he looked so pale as the illumination reflected off his wet face; so fragile, so ephemeral, so out-of-this-world transient. My heart was tight at the revelation as I watched him, marking his presence in my head as I shut my lids slowly before counting to five as I pushed the noise of the deluge out in my mind.
This was it, and every dizzying, fathomless detail was happening at the present moment. The focus of my college life had really whirled himself back into my mundane lacklustre life, and there was so little time left. He was ethereal mid-spin under the moonlight, and I could lose him again.
I could lose Jaejoong once more, but for now, Jaejoong was back, and the thought was impossible to behold.
When I opened my eyes finally, he was gone.
I turned left, then right frantically. I knew that it was too impossible. Had he already disappeared? Had he even returned? I looked further beyond the street, before turning around wildly.
I wanted so desperately to hold him, to trace his face with my fingertips, to cup his soul in my mouth.
I wanted to love him, to trap him in my inadequacy.
I wanted to weigh him down so that he would never disappear, that the flame of my existence would always burn.
I wanted him so much more now, than I did in college back then.
"Hiyah!" There was a loud exclamation, and I nearly stumbled forward at the sudden weight that was launched against my back.
When I looked over my shoulder, my already runaway heart nearly gave way at the proximity of our lips.
My arms were already instinctively holding him up.
"You're going to carry me home!" He yelled in my ear, and I scowled at him, pretending to throw him off while I held his legs tightly. His noisy yells finally subsided when the flingings stopped, and he reached over to take my briefcase with a happy laugh before tucking it in the space between my back and his chest.
With an impatient squirm to my sides a short while later, I found my legs moving in tune to the rowdy laughter as I pressed him close with the awareness of his weight. Jaejoong was back and I had him in my arms (albeit with space for improvements) and despite the preposterousness of the situation, life had never been better.
-
"It's cold!" I repeated noisily in his bedroom while he looked for a change of clothes for the both of us.
"But we had fun," he deadpanned, ignoring me as he dug into his closet. He looked terribly pale under the white light, and I could see the veins that were showing at his throat.
I sniffed distractedly as he dropped a towel and a few scattered articles of clothes in my hands.
"I'll meet you in the living room, okay?" He wiped my matted fringe upwards casually before pushing me in the direction of the toilet and I felt myself shrinking at the contact. My skin burned, and it was enough to induce compliance as I covered the rest of a distance with a run, banging the door shut noisily with too much force.
The interior of the toilet seemed to have a common design like the rest of his house, and I leaned forward to trail the path of his fingers around my forehead. There was a distinct fear that lingered in my eyes, and I tried to stare it down.
While the knowledge that I wanted him scared me, it rising up once more beyond the sanctuary of the rain nearly pushed me over the edge. As I trailed after him in the house filled with the matching furniture he had obviously spent time selecting and acquiring, the need to feel him wreath beneath me at least once was all-consuming. I wanted to watch the spun perfection unravel under my fingers; I wanted to make him want me like I wanted him. And the unchecked virility scared me.
I looked away in disgust, unable to recognise the wildness that now filled my eyes.
-
"Have you ever watched Black Swan?" He looked up the moment I padded into the room, and I couldn't help but stare at the black spectacles perched on his nose. "You've changed your spectacles," I commented intelligently as a wide smile spread across his face.
"People usually do that after two years or so, Yunho," he gave me a poke in the arm as he took my wet towel and clothes over before heading for the laundry corner.
"You wouldn't mind if I did my week's laundry with your clothes right?" I rolled my eyes at the appreciation of his priceless concern of my welfare, the machine already mixed with our wet clothes and his old laundry.
He replied with the same breezy laugh, and I subtly memorised the brands he used while he shut the door with his knee, the drum filling with water as we trooped back to the living room.
I really wouldn't mind smelling like him any day. God knows how long I had spent inspecting the products in his toilet.
"So? Black Swan?" He asked again as he plopped onto the couch, tucking his legs under himself before replacing the cushion, then the laptop.
"Have you watched it?" I returned, a crooked smile on my lips at how he had initially insisted that it would be my turn to choose.
I didn't mind though. I wanted to watch anything he wanted to watch. Same difference, really.
"Nope," he replied brightly, and I shrugged in indication of my choice. It didn't matter anyway. He had already begun to load the movie while I was in the toilet, and was instead closing the other tabs on the browser at my agreement. I pushed him away with mock irritation as he leaned into me.
I liked him when he was assertive about his choices. It was amusing, the way he unconsciously steamrolled people as if retaliating after years of being bossed around by his eight elder sisters.
It reminded me of a mid-life rebellion of sorts, Jaejoong-style.
"We should watch on your bed," I picked the laptop up when he placed it onto me while he wiggled closer insistently.
I had the feeling that he would fall asleep in no time, and I laughed at the noisy huff behind my back as I made my way to his bedroom.
-
"Manly," I teased amusedly when the bright pink clip he produced from under the pillow went onto his head.
"It's a testament of my sister's love for me," he joked as he pulled the heavy blanket upwards to cover us properly. His fringe was standing in mid-air now, and because he looked so adorable, I pulled him closer under the guise of getting comfortable.
It was impossible to describe how normal it felt, the crinkly stiffness of his sheets against my legs, and the softness of the threadbare borrowed clothes against my skin.
He crossed a leg between mine under the covers, and I shifted, tucking his legs between mine with more force than necessary, oomphing when he shoved me in the belly. Jaejoong had always been the touchy type, and I was long accustomed to the level of intimacy of our relationship.
The earphones between us stretched as I leaned forward, and he hit me lightly once more as he pulled me back roughly. I pouted at him unhappily as I settled against the mountain of pillows.
It was barely twenty minutes into the movie when he suddenly reached for my hand. Acquiescing wordlessly, I shushed my nervous, over-excited heart that had begun beating on an overdrive, bent on felling me.
Changmin had pointed out Jaejoong's overly affectionate gestures when it came to me, and while I had been used to the others, hand-holding was a little over the top.
"My hands are cold," he suddenly supplied as if reading my mind, laughing lightly as he slowly pulled his hand away.
I immediately held on. "I'm warm," I replied simply in explanation as his eyes shot up, and I dismissed the flash of wild emotion in them, returning to the screen as my heart thumped at an insane volume.
‘You always want more, but when it comes to you on a silver platter, you send it away,’ I chastised myself as I ducked my head in shame, my thumb caressing the soft skin distractedly in apology to nobody in particular. If he wanted anything, I would give it, never mind the cost of it to my heart.
-
It was a little over fifty minutes when I finally noticed that he had fallen asleep, head tucked in the crook of my neck. Pausing the movie, I turned to tend to him before pausing to shut it off completely. Jaejoong would probably insist on completing it together, wouldn't he? I shifted him lower awkwardly before tugging the covers higher. Putting the laptop away, I paused for a moment.
Would Jaejoong mind if we slept together? Definitely not in the sexy way, but the platonic way. I think society had made such a huge issue out of the notion of adults merely sleeping together, that it felt like I was making the largest decision of my life, a decision that had the potential to break our relationship if I was taking advantage of him while he was unconscious.
But we're friends. Sleeping together is normal, I rationalised, when I balked at the sudden reminder that we were both men.
Another of society's countless fallacies, ugh.
Watching his soft, peaceful face, I reached to take his spectacles off, slowly folding them before putting them away. I wanted to touch him, to trace the slope of his jaw, to release the clip from his hair, but my hands were too afraid. I was going to take every opportunity that came up, but the ease in making the decision to stay beside him through the night scared me.
The weight of the determination slowly pulled me lower, drowning me in guilt.
- -
When I woke up, Jaejoong was gone. The knowledge made me groan, and I turned, burrowing my face into the pillow in acute disappointment. I laid like that for a few more moments, before deciding that it was probably better that he had left. I didn't know how to face him just yet.
He was sitting at the dining counter, hair still standing in the clip when I emerged from the room after washing up.
"Can I use your toothbrush to brush my teeth?"
"Yeah, sure," he looked up distractedly while scooping eggs onto the plate he had prepared for me. "Sure, sure," he continued to give me a series of successive nods, focused on the presentation of the eggs. I sat down quietly, awfully touched by the breakfast.
"You're not going to brush your teeth?"
"Already did," I replied suavely with an impish smile, laughing proudly when the look of disgust instantly morphed into confusion, then amusement.
"Yah!" He launched forward, and there was a sudden bang from under the table.
"What happened?" I barely managed through laughter, and he bared his teeth at me, nose scrunching, miffed at being the source of my entertainment.
"I wanted to kick you." He was pouting now, evidently changing tactics to gain sympathy despite his initial intention. I merely hummed quietly, slowly picking at his scrambled eggs, before putting a little into my mouth. When I looked up, he had pushed his face right in front of mine, his eyes shining with anticipation.
"What?" I asked instead, knowing his question but bent on toying with him. I took another bite as he huffed noisily, sitting back down to glare above my head.
"Aren't you going to stub your toe again?" I injected innocently, and the look that he tossed me was priceless. Pricelessly adorable, with no effect on me whatsoever, or at least with no effect that he intended.
"Oh my god, you suck," he hopped off the tall chair while collecting his plates and the frown on his face as he turned to leave triggered something in me.
"Oh fuck!" I swore as my toe smarted.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," the plates in his hands suddenly disappeared as he ran to my side to fuss over me noisily.
I had the sudden urge to pull him in for a fierce embrace. Settling for his hand instead, I circled the wrist of my love that was too bony from too much late-night planning.
He flinched at the contact as his eyes met mine. The undisguised annoyance in them made my heart squeeze. How did things turn out this way? Shaking my hand off as he turned to leave, my body went on autopilot. I really had never known it to be within me.
"Don't go, Jae," I held on as I pleaded, only to be shaken off without a backward glance.
"Don't," I repeated softly, but my actions were anything but. Jerking him towards me forcefully, I caught him as he fell into me, having not anticipated the pull.
"Don't go away like this," he looked up at me with a glare, still silent, and my hands were snaked around his waist, charting new grounds with a confidence that I wasn't feeling.
"I'm sorry." His body was so tense, coiled and ready for a fight. "I'm sorry that it turned out like this," I whispered into his neck, my fingers carding through his hair, long out of my control.
"I don't know-" he was squirming in my arms now, but I wasn't ready to let him go. I had so much that I wanted him to know before he ran out on me for sexual harassment.
It was essentially a suicide plot that didn't make much sense, but at least I would have done something.
"Don't be mad at me, Jae. I don't know how to say things when I need to, but I liked the breakfast. Heck, I loved the breakfast. I'd love anything that you cooked, even if I came from an experiment."
I took another deep breath before plowing on mindlessly, my brain long overheated.
"I'm sorry that I didn't thank you for the breakfast and for taking advantage of you when you fell asleep. I think that I'm ob- Fuck!" I flinched at the pain from the bite to my neck, my arms reflexively reaching for the spot, effectively releasing him.
"Serves you right." He tossed angrily, shoving me in the chest before picking the dishes up once more.
"I don't-" I sputtered terribly, the failure of my confession slowly setting in.
"Fuck, it's bleeding," I stared blankly at the red on my fingers. Looking into the length of mirror while furiously dabbing at the wound, I stared the wildness in my eyes down. At least he hadn't run out of the room, I comforted myself, and maybe he hadn't heard my crazy, halfway confession at the end.
Maybe we could still hang out together, and I could- I don't even know what I could do. I could ache? I could ache even harder for him like I did years ago, and it would never stop, and I would never move on.
"Jaejoong?" I began softly, and he didn't turn to look at me. "Jaejoong?" I pleaded this time, desperation taking over as I placed all my chips on the line, never mind that I disgusted him now.
"Jaejoong, I'm in love with you. I don't care if you don't feel the same, but I've been in love with you since ages back, and I love you so much that it hurts." My legs were moving on their own, crossing the threshold.
"I wake up every day looking forward to meet you so badly that my chest feels like it could explode. I know that I can't do things right, and there are better guys out there that worth more of your time, but-"
I paused impossibly, the knowledge of how stupid I sounded sinking in. I couldn't imagine him being with another person, waking up beside another person, sitting on another person's lap, wearing another person's clothes to sleep.
I wanted him so much that it scared me.
I wanted to monopolize every single second of his life; I wanted to twine my soul with his.
"But I want to be yours, to spend all of my life making you happy. I'll try harder, and I'd even buy you a car so you wouldn't have to walk under the rain, and I'd tell you that you cook well every single minute even if you tell me to stop because you really cook very well and I love you. I love you so much," the pain in my heart was multiplying, and I was glad that he hadn't turned back to look at me. I didn't want to see the rejection in his eyes.
I wrapped my arms around his waist lightly, and I trailed my nose up the soft skin of his neck, relishing in my piece of heaven. "I love you, so much," I whispered brokenly as I planted kisses onto the pale expanse, softly.
My fingers slipped hungrily under his shirt, trailing across the ridges of his muscled abdomen. "I love you so much," I breathed lowly as I pressed the evidence of my want onto him softly, leveraging on his lack of response, yet afraid of scaring him.
I felt my hands gliding across his milky skin as he turned, but I didn't move, my consciousness dulled with heady lust and satisfaction. I needed all the seconds that I could get.
He trailed a hand in my hair, smoothing down the curve of my neck, before pulling me closer, and our lips connected. I didn't know what it meant. An affirmation or a no-strings attached make out session, it didn't matter. Even though my heart bled impossibly, some things were just better off unanswered.
And it was better than I had ever imagined, the soft wetness shifting to assume the centre of my consciousness. There was an ineffable sweetness that tasted incredibly Jaejoong, and I took it hungrily without question (not daring to, either) when he deepened the kiss. I moved in tandem, a physical Morse code of the expanse of love I possessed for him.
His hardness pressed through the layers of cotton, and I ran my hand across the bulge, swallowing his soft whimper as he rutched against me. There were boundaries though, and my hands wandered no further while I conveyed my frustration through our connection.
Cupping the curve of his bare behind, I pulled him closer, grinding our hardness against each other slowly as he keened. Deciding to exploit the lack of rejection just yet, I thrusted harder, while driving him further with my wandering hands. I was desperate to make him come undone, to hear him whine for me.
Throwing my dignity away as I humped him vigorously through the layers of cloth while my finger circled his soft, wam entrance. As I felt his body tighten, I sped up exponentially, pushing him further towards the edge relentlessly. when he gasped, mewling wantonly, as his ring of muscles clenched around my finger before coming with a cry of my name.
As he slowly descended from the ecstasy, all that transpired between us was the heavy breathing. Burying my face into his hair in embarrassment, my ears flushed at the gravity of my deeds. Luxuriating in the softness of his hair for the last time, my hands shifted back to the less-explicit layer, ready to be pushed away. But I hoped that at least I had a chance to be his sex partner. I had at least marginally proved my worth, hadn't I?
He too mirrored my position, hands surrendered, flushed cheeks pressed against my skin. The silence stretched on between us, and I pulled away finally, incredibly self-conscious.
"Don't," he whimpered almost inaudibly, quickly closing the distance I had just created between our chests. I stared blankly at the walls of his kitchen, biting down on my lips to ground me in the swelling guilt of my lack of control.
"Why?" I murmured brokenly, shamelessly capitalising on the position to stroke the small of his back, while waiting for the axe to fall.
I wondered if Jaejoong knew the extent of the power he wielded over me.
He simply shook his head, and I couldn't resist, lavishing in the opportunity, to boldly draw circles on bare flesh. I was lost, possessing nary an ounce of discipline.
"I'm embarrassed," he finally replied, and the answer stumped me as I waited for him to continue with perplexed patience. "We're not even together and I've came in my pants," he completed haltingly with palpable mortification, and the incongruity of it with that of my expectations was so impossible that I burst out laughing instead.
"You're always laughing at me!" He hissed unhappily with a poke, and I gave him a tight squeeze I return.
"God, I love you so much," I professed lowly, and the way it rolled or my tongue easily astounded me. The lightness I felt within me was incredible.
There was a soft hum, and I felt the vibration of his voice box on my shoulder. "I know, me too," he replied brightly with Jaejoong-esque lightness, and I nodded, before starting.
What?
"What did you say?" I practically yelled as I tore apart, distractedly noting how his cheeks flushed adorably at the direct eye contact.
"I said that I loved you. Too." He replied squarely, and my mouth fell open instantaneously.
Wait, what?
"God, this is so embarrassing," he shifted nervously, surreptitiously turning a deeper pink. "I can't stop thinking of how needy my body is," he complained unhappily, but I was too floored to even process anything properly.
Jaejoong loved me. Too. I had the impossible urge to run laps while waving my hands and proclaiming my victory at the top of my lungs like a complete, utter idiot.
"And it's taken you so long to get around confessing," he made a noise of disapproval before pushing me backwards.
"I'm going to change. The stickiness is getting into me," he turned a slight pink at his own words, and he had barely taken a few steps when I pulled him back.
"You love me?" I asked stupidly, and he gave me a distracted nod.
"Yes, I love you Jung Yunho. I can repeat that a few more times later, but now isn't a good time."
"No, it definitely is a good time," I insisted firmly, not releasing his hand. "When did it happen?"
He sighed noisily in unhappiness, but that was unimportant too. "Since school," he shrugged casually with a pout. I indicated eagerly for him to continue.
"You remember the day we went to watch Batman? You were staring at me throughout the whole movie, then you kept spacing out on me afterwards." He rolled his eyes brilliantly, but that was likewise, irrelevant.
"Then you avoided me for two weeks straight. Do you remember?"
I nodded slowly. It was while watching the bright expressions on his face that day, that I realised how much I loved him.
"I was initially hurt, but within a week, I realised that you probably liked me, because you're an open book. I figured that I did too, and I even formulated an answer in the event where you'd confess, but we went out a week after and you didn't. So I danced about the issue with you," he shrugged casually and he closed the distance to poke at my belly once more. I could envision it becoming a habit, really.
"And then?" I prompted suavely as he sighed for the second time.
"And then, he decided on his own that we were going to have a sharing session to inflate his ego."
I shook my head disapprovingly, unamused by his snarky reply as he slumped in defeat, shifting unhappily.
"Firstly, Yunho. Are we together now?" He asked, and I nodded quickly, my head bobbing desperately. It seemed to satisfy him as I received a bright peck on my cheek that made my loins clench.
"And then you stopped contacting me when you graduated, but I still thought that you were cute. When we met again, I decided that there was some element of fate in our relationship." He grinned at me widely.
"And so, I continued to play with fire, only that the stakes were higher now." He traced my jaw teasingly, and I grabbed him, pulling him up close, intentionally smearing the mess in his pants with the shift. There was an annoyed glare in return.
"And then?" I continued to press on, shifting stealthily as his eyes narrowed at me in warning.
"Still? We're still continuing with this?" His voice hitched in unchecked annoyance, and I indicated coolly for him to continue.
"And then I waited for you to break, because you didn't suppress your feelings as much this time," he slapped the hand that was at his waistband away.
"Just so you know, I don't randomly touch, hold, or lean on people that much, okay? I did it because I wanted to push you further, and I always get jumpy whenever you make the first move." I nodded distractedly, mildly annoyed at myself for not realising and crossing the boundary earlier.
Damn him for being so affectionate in the first place.
"So can I leave now?" He asked haughtily as he attempted to peel my hands off him with a frown.
"No, love," I hummed lowly, and the pet name seemed to throw him off momentarily, his eyes widening with soft surprise as he gaped at me. Leveraging on the falter, I maneuvered him towards the dining table, tipping him over while pulling the elastic top of his bottoms down.
"You can leave after this round," I replied sweetly, smiling at the lust that was spreading and mixing thickly with the irritation on his face. "Or I could help to clean both messes up after this round, and we could move on with the third," I suggested lowly with an almost leer, licking my lips slowly as I trailed the thick vein with my fingertips while a soft, strangled breath escaped his lips.
Maybe there were relationships that came and went like the weather, played by the game of fate, but I was sure that I would be fighting tooth and nail for our coupling even if it ran against the current of predetermined destiny.
I was playing with fire, and the stakes were higher, but it didn't matter, I thought to myself as I lowered to wrap my lips around pleasure, a pleased hum rolling in my throat as Jaejoong's fists bunched tightly in my hair.
- - - - -
Edited: 19/04/14
Edited A/N: That was a whopping 22 pages, and I nearly died editing this.
This goes out to ligerliger (honestly) who's incredibly busy these days.
I've edited it, and tbh, I'm quite pleased with the outcome. It flows better now, and the expressions are much clearer after the editing. The thoughts are more concise and I think that I did a better job of conveying the storyline this time round. Leave a comment though, because exams are coming and I spent the day doing this. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻) I am evidently out of my mind.
Leave a comment because it'd make me so damn happy! :O
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