Still alive
I'm here. I promise I'm reading whenever I can, but I'm pretty ashamed to admit that I've only really read about half of what's been posted in the past few weeks. I'm also ashamed that I haven't been commenting on people's journals for such a long time- has it been months? Sometimes I've just not known what to say, and sometimes I've tried to type something out and scrapped it because it sounded stupid, and sometimes I've just been too busy or too disheartened to try. Recently I've been feeling so guilty about not reading everything and not commenting for so long that I've been getting quite anxious about being on eljay at all, which lead to me avoiding eljay, which just increased the guilty feeling, so I avoided it more... and round and round we go.
Everybody, I'm sorry. I want to be here and be a good friend to all of you, because you're lovely people whose journals I really do enjoy. I promise that from now on I'm going to try a harder and that I'll be reading everything from here on out. Unfortunately I can't even think about trying to properly catch up on everything I've missed without feeling a bit panicky. I'm going to need to just start afresh here and go forwards well. If I look back, I'm lost.
Before I move on though, I want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to renilove and scrumble, whose birthdays I missed during my unintended hiatus. I hope you both had lovely days and got spoiled rotten.
Now, as for me and what I've been up to...
First term finished up busy for me with lots of relief teaching work. There's more I want to write about employment, but it would take its own entry to do it justice.
Around the time I stopped posting, the online bellydancing community kind of exploded in a huge way over social justice stuff and for a few weeks most of my internet time got sucked into some massive debates following some interesting and provocative articles. There was a lot of facepalming at my fellow white dancers being arsehats and generally not understanding that cultural appropriation is a Thing. It was pretty painful to see. I did a lot of angry typing at people who were Wrong On The Internet and a lot of introspection and a lot of changing how I interact with one of my main hobbies in real life. And there's a lot I'd like to write about that here, too, but it would also need its own entry (or several) to do it justice.
The first term school holidays came and went and they were the best holidays I've had in forever. I didn't feel guilty about not looking for work, or not studying, or not doing whatever else I was supposed to be doing, because what I was supposed to be doing was being on holiday. I haven't felt that feeling in so long I'd forgotten it even existed.
The last two weeks have been school time again, and coming into winter and flu season means that there's more work for me. It's been even busier. Plus, we've just agreed to have a friend of ours come be our housemate starting in about two weeks (again, I'd like to write a whole post about this...) so my (very) slow and (not quite) steady attempts at cleaning my shit up have taken on a sudden frantic edge as I try to condense two rooms full of miscellaneous crap into one neatly organised room of books and costumes and sewing supplies so that she can have a bedroom. It's really freaking hard.
And I've been working on getting all my various paperwork for going to England sorted out. I'm terrified. Excited, but terrified. And I've been having doubts about whether it's what I really want to do, but I think that's mostly just the fear talking. But I've been freaking out about it a lot.
And now, it's over an hour past my bedtime. Teaching has turned me into an old lady. I go to bed early and wake up early in the cold and the dark and complain about how my joints ache in this damp weather. And I find myself talking about how when I was in school, back in my day... and I feel extra old when students call the movies I saw and loved as a teenager "old". Eeek. But mainly, right now I feel old because I'm tired and regretful and a little grumpy and although I'm a nocturnal person when left to my own devices right now I really do need to sleep.
I hope you all have a wonderful Friday, when you get there. I hope I get to read all about it soon.
Everybody, I'm sorry. I want to be here and be a good friend to all of you, because you're lovely people whose journals I really do enjoy. I promise that from now on I'm going to try a harder and that I'll be reading everything from here on out. Unfortunately I can't even think about trying to properly catch up on everything I've missed without feeling a bit panicky. I'm going to need to just start afresh here and go forwards well. If I look back, I'm lost.
Before I move on though, I want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to renilove and scrumble, whose birthdays I missed during my unintended hiatus. I hope you both had lovely days and got spoiled rotten.
Now, as for me and what I've been up to...
First term finished up busy for me with lots of relief teaching work. There's more I want to write about employment, but it would take its own entry to do it justice.
Around the time I stopped posting, the online bellydancing community kind of exploded in a huge way over social justice stuff and for a few weeks most of my internet time got sucked into some massive debates following some interesting and provocative articles. There was a lot of facepalming at my fellow white dancers being arsehats and generally not understanding that cultural appropriation is a Thing. It was pretty painful to see. I did a lot of angry typing at people who were Wrong On The Internet and a lot of introspection and a lot of changing how I interact with one of my main hobbies in real life. And there's a lot I'd like to write about that here, too, but it would also need its own entry (or several) to do it justice.
The first term school holidays came and went and they were the best holidays I've had in forever. I didn't feel guilty about not looking for work, or not studying, or not doing whatever else I was supposed to be doing, because what I was supposed to be doing was being on holiday. I haven't felt that feeling in so long I'd forgotten it even existed.
The last two weeks have been school time again, and coming into winter and flu season means that there's more work for me. It's been even busier. Plus, we've just agreed to have a friend of ours come be our housemate starting in about two weeks (again, I'd like to write a whole post about this...) so my (very) slow and (not quite) steady attempts at cleaning my shit up have taken on a sudden frantic edge as I try to condense two rooms full of miscellaneous crap into one neatly organised room of books and costumes and sewing supplies so that she can have a bedroom. It's really freaking hard.
And I've been working on getting all my various paperwork for going to England sorted out. I'm terrified. Excited, but terrified. And I've been having doubts about whether it's what I really want to do, but I think that's mostly just the fear talking. But I've been freaking out about it a lot.
And now, it's over an hour past my bedtime. Teaching has turned me into an old lady. I go to bed early and wake up early in the cold and the dark and complain about how my joints ache in this damp weather. And I find myself talking about how when I was in school, back in my day... and I feel extra old when students call the movies I saw and loved as a teenager "old". Eeek. But mainly, right now I feel old because I'm tired and regretful and a little grumpy and although I'm a nocturnal person when left to my own devices right now I really do need to sleep.
I hope you all have a wonderful Friday, when you get there. I hope I get to read all about it soon.