Problems with procrastination
I've always been a procrastinator. I leave things to the last minute. I don't get a lot of things done in a timely fashion. And mostly I'm okay with that.
Mostly.
With assignments, my ADD makes it hard to get anything right unless I do it all in one sitting. ADD also gives me the superpower of hyperfocus, so that when I'm stressed out enough I can pay attention to one important thing for a really long time without getting bored. Procrastination works for me.
It is stressful though.
I leave paying bills until the last minute. I don't thoroughly clean the house unless people are coming around and I think they'll judge me. Making appointments with doctors and other professionals is something that happens later than it should.
These things have their drawbacks. Sometimes I leave a bill too long and get charged extra. My house is pretty darn messy most of the time. My health is not always at its peak.
But these things are all things I can live with, and somehow they seem easier than getting things done early. It's not even a conscious decision, usually. It just happens that way. I forget things, and there's something else that I want to be doing right now, and what's the name of that song stuck in my head? I'll google it or it'll drive me nuts, and then I'll go and do that thing I was supposed to do three days ago except I spent all that time on the internet and what do you mean I just did the same thing all day, where did the time go, I was right about to do that thing but now it's time to go to bed.
These things are inconvenient but not a huge deal. My brain works this way. I can live with it.
Where I have a real problem is with things that are not assignments. Important things. Like my whole life.
This year I turn 27. Most of my friends are married, are on the way to owning their own houses, and have good jobs that they enjoy or at least don't despise. Ten years ago, I thought that by now I'd also be close to owning a house, that I'd have traveled a whole heap, that I'd maybe have spent some time living overseas, that I'd know what I want to do, that I'd have enough cash to enjoy my hobbies, that I'd have a reasonable job that I don't hate, that I'd either be single or be with someone that I see a definite and solid future with, possibly married.
Well.
I rent a shitty little house that hasn't been renovated since the 70s with godawful carpets and hideous wallpaper, and it's barely ever clean in here, and even when I do clean up it's still nasty because that's just how the house is. But I can save for a mortgage later, right? I'm having a rough time with my partner of seven years (today is our anniversary), and I don't know if I want to stay with him forever anymore when it used to be so clear. Sometimes I'm pretty sure that in fact I don't want to stay with him forever, but that things are okay right now, and making plans for the future let alone actually acting on them is hard enough without throwing all these feelings in the mix. And what's the rush, I don't need to decide right now, it's not like there's a deadline on this, I can decide later, later, later. And as for a career? You must be joking. I have never really known What I Want To Do When I Grow Up. For a while when I was a teenager, I thought being an author would be cool, but I never write anything because I'm pretty rubbish at fiction and I'd probably only fail anyway. So of course I never improve either. And for most of my early 20s I figured that I'd stick around at uni and do academic stuff; lecture, tutor, whatever. But I finished my honours dissertation and then I never got around to asking people at the uni about opportunities for tutoring or any other kind of work. And that was years ago now. And my fallback plan was the dip ed, and I knew I didn't really want to do that before I went in but it seemed like an easy option and I thought I'd just drop out of it if it was too awful. Well, it was too awful, and I didn't drop out, did I? Not until I was five weeks from finishing. Now I'm going back to do the final prac because I'm too damn stubborn for my own good and also I'm fed up with working in a clothing alterations shop for shitty money when I have a goddamn degree. So this year, I've been waiting around because I couldn't start prac any earlier than May. I was supposed to be using this time to figure out what I'll do next, because I definitely don't want to be a teacher for any longer than I have to. Have I made any steps towards figuring this out? Well, yesterday I spent a half hour googling some universities in Canada and looked at a couple of courses they offer. Does that count for anything?
I'm 27 and I'm not doing anything with my life. And I only get one life. I look in the mirror and there are wrinkles beginning to form around my eyes. The skin on the backs of my hands looks somehow dull and looser than it used to. The changes are subtle, but they're happening. I will never be this young again. My future is not infinite. If I don't do things now I might never get the chance.
But what do I do? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to find out. I don't know what I want to find out. And what if I don't succeed?
Sometimes it's easier to just let the days slip by without trying. It feels like failure doesn't count if you were never trying in the first place.
It's not how I want to live, but it's what I do. How do I stop?
Mostly.
With assignments, my ADD makes it hard to get anything right unless I do it all in one sitting. ADD also gives me the superpower of hyperfocus, so that when I'm stressed out enough I can pay attention to one important thing for a really long time without getting bored. Procrastination works for me.
It is stressful though.
I leave paying bills until the last minute. I don't thoroughly clean the house unless people are coming around and I think they'll judge me. Making appointments with doctors and other professionals is something that happens later than it should.
These things have their drawbacks. Sometimes I leave a bill too long and get charged extra. My house is pretty darn messy most of the time. My health is not always at its peak.
But these things are all things I can live with, and somehow they seem easier than getting things done early. It's not even a conscious decision, usually. It just happens that way. I forget things, and there's something else that I want to be doing right now, and what's the name of that song stuck in my head? I'll google it or it'll drive me nuts, and then I'll go and do that thing I was supposed to do three days ago except I spent all that time on the internet and what do you mean I just did the same thing all day, where did the time go, I was right about to do that thing but now it's time to go to bed.
These things are inconvenient but not a huge deal. My brain works this way. I can live with it.
Where I have a real problem is with things that are not assignments. Important things. Like my whole life.
This year I turn 27. Most of my friends are married, are on the way to owning their own houses, and have good jobs that they enjoy or at least don't despise. Ten years ago, I thought that by now I'd also be close to owning a house, that I'd have traveled a whole heap, that I'd maybe have spent some time living overseas, that I'd know what I want to do, that I'd have enough cash to enjoy my hobbies, that I'd have a reasonable job that I don't hate, that I'd either be single or be with someone that I see a definite and solid future with, possibly married.
Well.
I rent a shitty little house that hasn't been renovated since the 70s with godawful carpets and hideous wallpaper, and it's barely ever clean in here, and even when I do clean up it's still nasty because that's just how the house is. But I can save for a mortgage later, right? I'm having a rough time with my partner of seven years (today is our anniversary), and I don't know if I want to stay with him forever anymore when it used to be so clear. Sometimes I'm pretty sure that in fact I don't want to stay with him forever, but that things are okay right now, and making plans for the future let alone actually acting on them is hard enough without throwing all these feelings in the mix. And what's the rush, I don't need to decide right now, it's not like there's a deadline on this, I can decide later, later, later. And as for a career? You must be joking. I have never really known What I Want To Do When I Grow Up. For a while when I was a teenager, I thought being an author would be cool, but I never write anything because I'm pretty rubbish at fiction and I'd probably only fail anyway. So of course I never improve either. And for most of my early 20s I figured that I'd stick around at uni and do academic stuff; lecture, tutor, whatever. But I finished my honours dissertation and then I never got around to asking people at the uni about opportunities for tutoring or any other kind of work. And that was years ago now. And my fallback plan was the dip ed, and I knew I didn't really want to do that before I went in but it seemed like an easy option and I thought I'd just drop out of it if it was too awful. Well, it was too awful, and I didn't drop out, did I? Not until I was five weeks from finishing. Now I'm going back to do the final prac because I'm too damn stubborn for my own good and also I'm fed up with working in a clothing alterations shop for shitty money when I have a goddamn degree. So this year, I've been waiting around because I couldn't start prac any earlier than May. I was supposed to be using this time to figure out what I'll do next, because I definitely don't want to be a teacher for any longer than I have to. Have I made any steps towards figuring this out? Well, yesterday I spent a half hour googling some universities in Canada and looked at a couple of courses they offer. Does that count for anything?
I'm 27 and I'm not doing anything with my life. And I only get one life. I look in the mirror and there are wrinkles beginning to form around my eyes. The skin on the backs of my hands looks somehow dull and looser than it used to. The changes are subtle, but they're happening. I will never be this young again. My future is not infinite. If I don't do things now I might never get the chance.
But what do I do? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to find out. I don't know what I want to find out. And what if I don't succeed?
Sometimes it's easier to just let the days slip by without trying. It feels like failure doesn't count if you were never trying in the first place.
It's not how I want to live, but it's what I do. How do I stop?