I have some news
I don't mean to demean or belittle you all through this decision I've made. I think you're all pretty great, and each of you has your own special things you bring to the world. Fundamentally I believe in the equality of all people everywhere, and I feel strongly that each person should be allowed to decide their own destiny. I think that happiness is a right we have as sentient beings. However, in recent years it has come to my attention that the world is becoming more and more screwed up, most people are fairly unhappy and nobody has stepped up to the challenge of fixing things.
That is why I've decided to declare myself Emperor. It pains me to do it - I believe in democracy and freedom, but since we don't have those things anywhere in the world anymore it won't be a great loss. I promise to restore free elections and self-determination as soon as it's feasible, but for now I am going to have to rule with an iron fist.
As your Emperor I'll enact a three tier plan to improve worldwide happiness. First, I will disband all governments and advertising agencies. Then I will give everyone a clown nose, big floppy shoes and a polka-dotted bow tie. The bow ties shall come in a variety of colors, so don't worry. Finally, I will invest the national budgets (minus social programs and healthcare of course) of the entirety of the world into research about how to best provide a climate where people can be happy. I figure the clown noses are a start, but we clearly need a long-term plan.
I hope that you'll support me in my efforts. May our floppy shoes grind the horrors of the world into dust.
Yours,
Emperor Jeff the Ubiquitously Unmaligned
That is why I've decided to declare myself Emperor. It pains me to do it - I believe in democracy and freedom, but since we don't have those things anywhere in the world anymore it won't be a great loss. I promise to restore free elections and self-determination as soon as it's feasible, but for now I am going to have to rule with an iron fist.
As your Emperor I'll enact a three tier plan to improve worldwide happiness. First, I will disband all governments and advertising agencies. Then I will give everyone a clown nose, big floppy shoes and a polka-dotted bow tie. The bow ties shall come in a variety of colors, so don't worry. Finally, I will invest the national budgets (minus social programs and healthcare of course) of the entirety of the world into research about how to best provide a climate where people can be happy. I figure the clown noses are a start, but we clearly need a long-term plan.
I hope that you'll support me in my efforts. May our floppy shoes grind the horrors of the world into dust.
Yours,
Emperor Jeff the Ubiquitously Unmaligned