I'm broken ( you may not want to read any futher )
So I tried to sleep at 3:30. I have it a good two hours... I did nod off but then I was set upon by nightmares. Not good nightmares either, not the ones where there is a homicidal maniac after you. Or some beast that can't identified, or even a classic one. No my nightmares don't contain a boogie man. Mine seem like little glimpses of the future ( or lack there of ) or haunts of the past.
Life has been anything but good as of late. I am having no success finding a job. Every day seems to hold a little more rejection for me. I don't know what to do and I am scared. It's not like I am lazy ( although I was pretty much bed ridden the last few days due to depression ). I would jump at the chance to work pretty much anywhere. Even though id dead set against my morals I have been considering McDonalds, but even they probably wouldn't hire me. I have even been thinking... the Armed forces. I am scared, extremely scared. I should be able to take care of myself. I feel so broken. But I am not alone...
I would like to thank Michelle (Michelledanger on here) my wonderful and loving beautiful girlfriend who has stood by my side and picked me up ever time I was kicked down. And to her family for still beleiving in me even though I am definatley a failure. And to my best rommie Shaunna ( Shaunna on here ) for draggin my depressed ass out with her n Sundaynight to Wavelength the see the french version of Nick Cave ( and you think it is bad in english!! ). And for telling me I am not a loser even though I don't ever win much. I love you all.
I am just really scared right now. It is the worse time. The weather isn't helping much either. I like grey skies though. I just hate the cold rain. I also hate sunnydays ( daylight bores the sunshine out of me ). I don't believe in Karama. I stopped believing in that on dec 14 1997. At that time of my life I was feeding homeless people vegan food every saturday for over a year ( yes even through the winter months ) through Food Not Bombs. I live a vegan straight edge lifestyle. SO here I am living a life that most, I think, would consider to be a 'good' existence. So how am I rewarded... soon it will be the 5th year anniversary of HER death. I miss HER too much... and it hurts. HER Birthday is also comming up...
Well this why I haven't updated in a while. No one really wants to read that your life is going horribly unless you are a celiberity. I don't know how much more I can take. Part of me just wants to die. But don't fret, I am a "suicide survivor" so I won't do it. I know how if feels to loose someone that way.
thanks for reading or at least scanning ...
Life has been anything but good as of late. I am having no success finding a job. Every day seems to hold a little more rejection for me. I don't know what to do and I am scared. It's not like I am lazy ( although I was pretty much bed ridden the last few days due to depression ). I would jump at the chance to work pretty much anywhere. Even though id dead set against my morals I have been considering McDonalds, but even they probably wouldn't hire me. I have even been thinking... the Armed forces. I am scared, extremely scared. I should be able to take care of myself. I feel so broken. But I am not alone...
I would like to thank Michelle (Michelledanger on here) my wonderful and loving beautiful girlfriend who has stood by my side and picked me up ever time I was kicked down. And to her family for still beleiving in me even though I am definatley a failure. And to my best rommie Shaunna ( Shaunna on here ) for draggin my depressed ass out with her n Sundaynight to Wavelength the see the french version of Nick Cave ( and you think it is bad in english!! ). And for telling me I am not a loser even though I don't ever win much. I love you all.
I am just really scared right now. It is the worse time. The weather isn't helping much either. I like grey skies though. I just hate the cold rain. I also hate sunnydays ( daylight bores the sunshine out of me ). I don't believe in Karama. I stopped believing in that on dec 14 1997. At that time of my life I was feeding homeless people vegan food every saturday for over a year ( yes even through the winter months ) through Food Not Bombs. I live a vegan straight edge lifestyle. SO here I am living a life that most, I think, would consider to be a 'good' existence. So how am I rewarded... soon it will be the 5th year anniversary of HER death. I miss HER too much... and it hurts. HER Birthday is also comming up...
Well this why I haven't updated in a while. No one really wants to read that your life is going horribly unless you are a celiberity. I don't know how much more I can take. Part of me just wants to die. But don't fret, I am a "suicide survivor" so I won't do it. I know how if feels to loose someone that way.
thanks for reading or at least scanning ...