11
[I knew it'd be tough when I came back here. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy, that I was coming back to the same shit I'd left behind.
I can't fucking believe it. Christmas Eve. They're not coming back until fucking Christmas Eve.
I don't have any fucking parents or even a stable home right now and I'm expected to focus on tennis. I'm expected to just pick up again with Ryou as if nothing had ever gone horribly wrong. I'm doing everything I can to keep it together for Keigo the team but I can't do anything more.
I don't know what else to do. Ryou and I aren't getting along and no one can wave a magical wand fix everything. What the fuck happened? When did tennis stop being something I enjoyed and turn into whatever the fuck it is now? I used to love tennis and now it's a fucking burden. Practice is burden, team meetings are a burden, it's all a burden now and one I can't bring myself to care about anymore. I have to make sure the bills get paid again this month and clean the house and still keep up with my school work.
I promised myself that I'd put fencing on hold until college and try it then but I don't wanna wait. We have a fencing club here, now at Hyoutei, and I want to see how I do. Choutarou pulled off music and tennis in junior high; maybe I could pull it off, too. I won't be able to tutor anymore but I need this. I need something that's mine, something that's for me, that has nothing to do with them, that they're not involved in. Tennis isn't my sport, doubles is. Doesn't matter where it's played at.
Nationals isn't my dream. It doesn't matter if I play in them or not. I know I'm mediocre and unless until I find some kind of passion for the sport, that's all I'll ever be. All I've ever been good at is doubles and I can't even do that right anymore. Keigo said he needed me but damned if I know for what. All this hard work and I'm still the weak link.
But I don't know how to say this to them and even if I did, would anyone care? I don't know when I became such an outsider, why I still feel this way, even if with my so-called partner. The longer I stay here, the less I feel like I belong.
Maybe I should just go over Keigo's head and talk to Sakaki myself. He's a teacher, surely, he'll have some kind of advice. I just can't do it. I can't deal with Ryou on top of everything that's going on. I have to take care of myself until this is over. After this, we can be partners again.
Fuck, I said I'd play with him until the next time this shit came up and I can't take it back. At least, I have a contingency plan.
Guess all I can do is just try to work out something. I said I'd do it off the court but fuck, I don't want to see him right now.]
[OOC: Strikes gone. I'm not too sure what he was talking about up there since he was in vent mode. I'm guessing that he's staying with Atobe still but will be periodically checking up on the house? :D;]