[Private Post]
I haven't dreamed of him in a very long time.
It was long ago and far away, before my grandson was born. My son was just a child. A very small one at that. And he probably wouldn't remember what happened back then, even if he was sane. The majority of it happened before he was even born after all. It was back in China. And even now, I know it was much longer ago than I care to admit.
I loved him. No use mincing words. He was to be my Mate. Or he would have been, if I had not messed things up. I still don't know if in the end it was an error on my part or something else beyond my control that killed him. I just know that we were going to be together forever, but instead of bonding to me, as he should have, I had to watch him grow old, and die. Yes, he was human. And yes, even then I knew it probably went against everything my father taught me. I simply didn't care. I wanted him. I cared for him more than I cared for anyone, with the exception of my family. And yet I stayed by his side and watched as he died.
I don't even have a picture of him. Not a good one. Just an old battered very small portrait, that I keep hidden away. D found it once when he was small. That caused several embarrassing questions.
I do know why I'm thinking of all of this now. He died around this time. In the spring. It was evening when he died. Close to midnight. He asked me to... to let him go. To leave the room, so I wouldn't have to watch him go. And I did. And I never looked back. Except in the spring. And in my dreams. I know I should have stayed. I know that I should have been there for him, and not have walked away just because I couldn't stand to face the end with him. I couldn't stand to see him die. Not when a part of me died when he did and I wasn't even in the room.
And perhaps that's why I'm afraid I won't be able to kill my son when the time comes. Because I know I'm weak. At least as far as those I care about are concerned.
I know the other reason I've been reminded of him once more after all this time. D has his Mate. And while I am glad that my grandson is not pining, and that he is very much alive now... it reminds me of what could have been. What I could have had, if the Mate bond had taken. If I'd been allowed to keep him. My son had Vesca, although he won't admit it. My grandson has his idiot detective. And one of these days my great-grandson will find someone, and he will have a Mate. And while I say I'm glad I never took a Mate, that's not true. I do get lonely sometimes, when I think of what might have been. What could have been. When I realize how different things might have turned out.
To this day, I'm not sure if my own son is half human or not. I'm fairly sure he isn't. To my knowledge my great-grandson is the first successful kami-human hybrid, no matter how much I may wonder about D.
My great-grandson has teased me about finding my own blond detective. But I don't think I'll have one. I've always preferred my lovers to be redheads after all.
It was long ago and far away, before my grandson was born. My son was just a child. A very small one at that. And he probably wouldn't remember what happened back then, even if he was sane. The majority of it happened before he was even born after all. It was back in China. And even now, I know it was much longer ago than I care to admit.
I loved him. No use mincing words. He was to be my Mate. Or he would have been, if I had not messed things up. I still don't know if in the end it was an error on my part or something else beyond my control that killed him. I just know that we were going to be together forever, but instead of bonding to me, as he should have, I had to watch him grow old, and die. Yes, he was human. And yes, even then I knew it probably went against everything my father taught me. I simply didn't care. I wanted him. I cared for him more than I cared for anyone, with the exception of my family. And yet I stayed by his side and watched as he died.
I don't even have a picture of him. Not a good one. Just an old battered very small portrait, that I keep hidden away. D found it once when he was small. That caused several embarrassing questions.
I do know why I'm thinking of all of this now. He died around this time. In the spring. It was evening when he died. Close to midnight. He asked me to... to let him go. To leave the room, so I wouldn't have to watch him go. And I did. And I never looked back. Except in the spring. And in my dreams. I know I should have stayed. I know that I should have been there for him, and not have walked away just because I couldn't stand to face the end with him. I couldn't stand to see him die. Not when a part of me died when he did and I wasn't even in the room.
And perhaps that's why I'm afraid I won't be able to kill my son when the time comes. Because I know I'm weak. At least as far as those I care about are concerned.
I know the other reason I've been reminded of him once more after all this time. D has his Mate. And while I am glad that my grandson is not pining, and that he is very much alive now... it reminds me of what could have been. What I could have had, if the Mate bond had taken. If I'd been allowed to keep him. My son had Vesca, although he won't admit it. My grandson has his idiot detective. And one of these days my great-grandson will find someone, and he will have a Mate. And while I say I'm glad I never took a Mate, that's not true. I do get lonely sometimes, when I think of what might have been. What could have been. When I realize how different things might have turned out.
To this day, I'm not sure if my own son is half human or not. I'm fairly sure he isn't. To my knowledge my great-grandson is the first successful kami-human hybrid, no matter how much I may wonder about D.
My great-grandson has teased me about finding my own blond detective. But I don't think I'll have one. I've always preferred my lovers to be redheads after all.