What the fuck is wrong with me??
I don't understand anything anymore. There's nothing I would ever want more than to be happy. Yes, I do have happiness, but it's like something is missing. I just don't know what it is. I have someone that loves me no matter what, unconditionaly, forever. I have friends that actaully care about me and I can depend on ((might be a very short few, but a few is better than none)) School is O.K. It's not the way I want it to be, but it's going good. of course I am truely happy with the one I love. I wouldn't have it any other way. But there's something wrong with ME. I cry for no reason at all, my moods are constantly changing, over nothing and everything around me. My heart feels like there's a million tons of ache on top of it, but I can't think of anything that could be causing it....my body shuts down and I freeze my ass off in 90+ degree weather. I feel like if I say anything to anyone, then it'll only make matters worse. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it all anymore. I even feel depressed, at the most random moments.
It causes so much shit with other people. Like when I can't talk because I don't know what to say. Or when I feel like I can talk to someone, the words never come out right. I get pissed off over everything now. It's gotten to the point that I've even thought about going back to cutting. But what's the point? Besides the loss of blood, sore marks, and scars. I have enough as it is. I doubt I need anymore. And yet, it still crosses my mind almost EVERY day. The slightest shit sets me off. Whether it makes me cry, lash out, hurt myself when I don't realize it, even when I do. Like hitting myself. For me to leave bruises on my own body, something has to be wrong. But I don't know what the FUCK IT IS!!!
It drives me crazier every second. Just knowing that I don't know what it is. Not being able to help myself, or feel like no one else can help. Because I know they can't. It's something I obviously have to deal with. The craziest part is, when someone, anyone, asks me what's wrong, I put it off on something else that's been bothering me. Once or twice I even said it was something that didn't even relate to that person. It was just something that was totally made up....I don't even know why. I guess because I don't know, it'll sound stupid if I actually admit to not knowing what's wrong. Maybe it's all the stress I've been holding in and not telling anyone.
Yea, I'll say something now and then, but it's never the whole story. Because there's is no ending to it all. And I don't want to be the one that pisses someone off with my complaining or talking so much about "my" problems. No one wants to hear all about my stupid shit. I just don't know what to do. I've tried praying, in church, out of church, at school, anytime. That doesn't help either. Nothing does. Nohting ever will....So I guess I just have to deal with it and do like I've been doing. Suppressing it down until there's no room left....
It causes so much shit with other people. Like when I can't talk because I don't know what to say. Or when I feel like I can talk to someone, the words never come out right. I get pissed off over everything now. It's gotten to the point that I've even thought about going back to cutting. But what's the point? Besides the loss of blood, sore marks, and scars. I have enough as it is. I doubt I need anymore. And yet, it still crosses my mind almost EVERY day. The slightest shit sets me off. Whether it makes me cry, lash out, hurt myself when I don't realize it, even when I do. Like hitting myself. For me to leave bruises on my own body, something has to be wrong. But I don't know what the FUCK IT IS!!!
It drives me crazier every second. Just knowing that I don't know what it is. Not being able to help myself, or feel like no one else can help. Because I know they can't. It's something I obviously have to deal with. The craziest part is, when someone, anyone, asks me what's wrong, I put it off on something else that's been bothering me. Once or twice I even said it was something that didn't even relate to that person. It was just something that was totally made up....I don't even know why. I guess because I don't know, it'll sound stupid if I actually admit to not knowing what's wrong. Maybe it's all the stress I've been holding in and not telling anyone.
Yea, I'll say something now and then, but it's never the whole story. Because there's is no ending to it all. And I don't want to be the one that pisses someone off with my complaining or talking so much about "my" problems. No one wants to hear all about my stupid shit. I just don't know what to do. I've tried praying, in church, out of church, at school, anytime. That doesn't help either. Nothing does. Nohting ever will....So I guess I just have to deal with it and do like I've been doing. Suppressing it down until there's no room left....