(no subject)
Taking a week vacation to go to AAVLD ("orphan resident" hanging out with residents from other schools) and meet up with Boston friends, Tufts people, and behindpyramids definitely helped me regain my sense of perspective. (Lets see how long it lasts, though, the little tendrils of anxiety are already creeping back in...) Am pretending I'm still on the way back from the conference to take an extra day off and recombobulate myself.
Conclusions from bitching at people about this residency for the last few days:
1. I should probably just consider myself a straight-up orphan resident instead of expecting the others to actually step up and contribute. After our mother-hen 3rd year took his sabbatical leading up to boards this year, we've totally lost momentum and I don't think we're getting it back - I'm probably the only person organized enough and motivated enough to chivvy the others into line, but I don't want to have to wrangle them because a) that's not my personality and b) the returns are probably not worth the stress and time and effort I'd spend on them.
1a. I am getting this residency DESPITE this department, not BECAUSE of it. Hopefully this attitude will help make me more assertive? It's *my* fucking education anyway. Things are less immutable than they usually seem. After all, society is made up of people, and people change.
1b. Granted, as one of the Tufts pathologists pointed out, every residency ultimately depends on the resident themself to step up and get things done, nobody's going to hold your hand through your education (except in some special residencies like UGA's system). Less excuses, less bitching, it is what it is, take what you can from the residency - I really need to start weaving a positive attitude that I can bring up in interviews and such, instead of focusing so much on the negatives (of this department/residency and myself). Perspective.
2. Motto/mantra: "Do what you can". 80% effort. It's okay. Assume the worst has already happened, and go from there. It is what it is. Everyone approaches their residency differently, even in places with more structure. And just because other people can or have done it, doesn't mean *I'm* obligated to do it.
2a. This residency is supposed to give you the confidence and knowledge to progress further in your career. To know that you can handle things that arise, one way or another. It's not supposed to make you all-knowing, but at least you have faith in yourself that you can perform well even in adverse circumstances. (As the Tufts resident mentioned, I should still study/evaluate slides real quick when I'm tired and sleepy and generally brain-dead, not just when I'm in peak condition.)
2b. It's okay that things feel natural and easy. I'm incrementally expanding that zone of comfort/naturalness. It's not like work has to be a huge struggle all the time to make it "work". After all, I came to this career path *because* I felt like it was the path of least resistance, because I had an affinity for it. Just train up that affinity and don't obsess over "well if I could do it *anyone* could do it"
2c. Also, I probably don't need to be ~*~super outstanding~*~ to get the commercial diagnostic lab jobs that I want? At least as long as I pass boards things are more certain, but really they just want someone who will show up and do the work?
3. I will NOT preemptively flunk myself out of this residency. As much as I fear failure, I'm not going to do the work of failing myself out of residency/boards/job before it actually happens. And I'm actually only like 3 months into my 2nd year (I keep thinking it's already 1.5 years because I'm going home to Taiwan in December and that feels like a hard reset) so there's still time to flail around and fuck up and AS LONG AS I PASS BOARDS (and/or get a job) THEN FUCK IT ALL.
4. PERSPECTIVE.
So hard to maintain when I'm back in here and stuck in my own mind.
Conclusions from bitching at people about this residency for the last few days:
1. I should probably just consider myself a straight-up orphan resident instead of expecting the others to actually step up and contribute. After our mother-hen 3rd year took his sabbatical leading up to boards this year, we've totally lost momentum and I don't think we're getting it back - I'm probably the only person organized enough and motivated enough to chivvy the others into line, but I don't want to have to wrangle them because a) that's not my personality and b) the returns are probably not worth the stress and time and effort I'd spend on them.
1a. I am getting this residency DESPITE this department, not BECAUSE of it. Hopefully this attitude will help make me more assertive? It's *my* fucking education anyway. Things are less immutable than they usually seem. After all, society is made up of people, and people change.
1b. Granted, as one of the Tufts pathologists pointed out, every residency ultimately depends on the resident themself to step up and get things done, nobody's going to hold your hand through your education (except in some special residencies like UGA's system). Less excuses, less bitching, it is what it is, take what you can from the residency - I really need to start weaving a positive attitude that I can bring up in interviews and such, instead of focusing so much on the negatives (of this department/residency and myself). Perspective.
2. Motto/mantra: "Do what you can". 80% effort. It's okay. Assume the worst has already happened, and go from there. It is what it is. Everyone approaches their residency differently, even in places with more structure. And just because other people can or have done it, doesn't mean *I'm* obligated to do it.
2a. This residency is supposed to give you the confidence and knowledge to progress further in your career. To know that you can handle things that arise, one way or another. It's not supposed to make you all-knowing, but at least you have faith in yourself that you can perform well even in adverse circumstances. (As the Tufts resident mentioned, I should still study/evaluate slides real quick when I'm tired and sleepy and generally brain-dead, not just when I'm in peak condition.)
2b. It's okay that things feel natural and easy. I'm incrementally expanding that zone of comfort/naturalness. It's not like work has to be a huge struggle all the time to make it "work". After all, I came to this career path *because* I felt like it was the path of least resistance, because I had an affinity for it. Just train up that affinity and don't obsess over "well if I could do it *anyone* could do it"
2c. Also, I probably don't need to be ~*~super outstanding~*~ to get the commercial diagnostic lab jobs that I want? At least as long as I pass boards things are more certain, but really they just want someone who will show up and do the work?
3. I will NOT preemptively flunk myself out of this residency. As much as I fear failure, I'm not going to do the work of failing myself out of residency/boards/job before it actually happens. And I'm actually only like 3 months into my 2nd year (I keep thinking it's already 1.5 years because I'm going home to Taiwan in December and that feels like a hard reset) so there's still time to flail around and fuck up and AS LONG AS I PASS BOARDS (and/or get a job) THEN FUCK IT ALL.
4. PERSPECTIVE.
So hard to maintain when I'm back in here and stuck in my own mind.