Agnus Dei
The Agnus Dei is a prayer at church. "Lamb of God you take away the sin of the world, have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sin of the world. Grant us peace." It is also a song by Rufus Wainwright, in which he performs the song in Latin and sets it to sweeping, orchestral, grandiose, operatic Rufus style music. The meaning of the song, the prayer I said so many times in church, it is what I ask for now. From God, from my friends, from my family, and most importantly, from myself.
It is the first day of the new year. Yesterday was the last day of the year past. This feels like a big moment for some reason. 2004 was the graduation year, it was the year we looked forward to for so long and it felt as if it would never arrive. 2005 was never of concern, it was never to be worried about because it felt like 2004 would never come. It has come, it has gone, and I lived through it... Similar to a hurricane, minus the news coverage and fallen palm trees.
The last year was a trial, I think we settled out of court.
It is time I forgive myself for being who I am. I no longer need to feel guilt about going away to college, about being gay, about having a harder life than my friends, or about having friends that look out for me. I must let myself be. Last night at a party it came to me- my news resolution. My resolution is simply to take care of myself this year. Be realistic, even if I don't like what it may entail. Don't concern others more than myself, because if you don't take care of yourself than no one else will, either. Let things be easy. Emotionally recover, allow the good without fighting it like I did so long this year, and let the painful moments pass instead of holding on to them as if they justified my feelings. I don't need to justify my emotions, even to myself. I believe it is time to be happy again. 2004 was the best and worst year of my life, I can justify that with a million examples. This year can be the best, the worst, or simply another year of my life, and I don't need to prove it to anyone. So I'm encouraging myself to keep with my new resolution, as best I can. Agnus Dei.
Grant us peace.
It is the first day of the new year. Yesterday was the last day of the year past. This feels like a big moment for some reason. 2004 was the graduation year, it was the year we looked forward to for so long and it felt as if it would never arrive. 2005 was never of concern, it was never to be worried about because it felt like 2004 would never come. It has come, it has gone, and I lived through it... Similar to a hurricane, minus the news coverage and fallen palm trees.
The last year was a trial, I think we settled out of court.
It is time I forgive myself for being who I am. I no longer need to feel guilt about going away to college, about being gay, about having a harder life than my friends, or about having friends that look out for me. I must let myself be. Last night at a party it came to me- my news resolution. My resolution is simply to take care of myself this year. Be realistic, even if I don't like what it may entail. Don't concern others more than myself, because if you don't take care of yourself than no one else will, either. Let things be easy. Emotionally recover, allow the good without fighting it like I did so long this year, and let the painful moments pass instead of holding on to them as if they justified my feelings. I don't need to justify my emotions, even to myself. I believe it is time to be happy again. 2004 was the best and worst year of my life, I can justify that with a million examples. This year can be the best, the worst, or simply another year of my life, and I don't need to prove it to anyone. So I'm encouraging myself to keep with my new resolution, as best I can. Agnus Dei.
Grant us peace.