Stressed/Frustrated. . .
. . . because I have to deep clean my aunts house for the next three days. Why?
Because I can't bare to have my little cousin living it what I lived in for 10 years straight. Disgusting cat urine, dishes stacked up to the ceiling because she's so screwed up that she gets depressed and doesn't do anything about it. Dirty trash everywhere. I don't want him to live the way I had to.
. . . because I am barely hanging on financially. I don't get paid until Friday-the same day that my insurance is due. Great. I feel the need to help support my father who just got out of prison because it's so hard for him to get back on his feet because the Government (a.k.a. the prison) decided that they'd just push him out in society after 7 years of the prison style life without giving him any support or backbone to help him succeed.
Is this really okay? I think not, and it's so frustrating because I feel obligated to help him, and yet I can barely help myself at this point financially, so it's painful to watch him in the situation he's in when he can't get any help.
. . . because I am going to see my Dad for the first time in 7 1/2 years tomorrow.
I don't know what to say; I don't know what to do; I don't know how to act; I don't know how to tell him everything will be alright, because I can only do so much. I don't know how to be there for him when he hasn't been there for me for my entire life, I can't blame him for what he's been through in his, but how am I supposed to be a son to him when I don't know how to be a son?
. . . because the semester is starting to wrap up, and I'm unable to grasp what my grades are going to be. I feel as if I'm doing merely OK, and that I'm afraid my GPA is going to suffer.
I'm angry that I am a year behind now and am basically a freshman again because of the way my credits transferred from UPS. I am going to take 20 credits next semester, and it's already stressing me out somewhat.
. . . because I'm sick of having the family I have. So dysfunctional and incapable of being an actual family. Contant fighting and lies.
Constant inconsistencies basically sums it up
I'm sick of not having anything for Christmas from them because they can barely afford to put food in their stomachs or pay rent, or pay for the bare necessities of life. I know that sounds extremely selfish, but it's so frustrating to see all of my close friends getting any and everything they want for Christmas, and I'm lucky if I even get a card. At least I have good company I suppose.
. . .because I just want to be a kid again.
I want to be able to be worry-free. To be able to prance freely in the streets of Boise and not have to worry about bills, or school, or life worries, or drama. Just to merely have the spirit of myself to worry about. To not have to try and please every person I see in passing.
I just am finding it very hard to be positive currently because I can barely afford to fill up my gas tank every time I need to travel long distances. It's so frustrating that there's really nothing I can do to better my family and my relationships with them. What ever did I do to deserve it? It's so frustrating and energy consuming, and I'm sick of dealing with it. But I can't stop-family is permanent, regardless of how NOT constant they are.
Because I can't bare to have my little cousin living it what I lived in for 10 years straight. Disgusting cat urine, dishes stacked up to the ceiling because she's so screwed up that she gets depressed and doesn't do anything about it. Dirty trash everywhere. I don't want him to live the way I had to.
. . . because I am barely hanging on financially. I don't get paid until Friday-the same day that my insurance is due. Great. I feel the need to help support my father who just got out of prison because it's so hard for him to get back on his feet because the Government (a.k.a. the prison) decided that they'd just push him out in society after 7 years of the prison style life without giving him any support or backbone to help him succeed.
Is this really okay? I think not, and it's so frustrating because I feel obligated to help him, and yet I can barely help myself at this point financially, so it's painful to watch him in the situation he's in when he can't get any help.
. . . because I am going to see my Dad for the first time in 7 1/2 years tomorrow.
I don't know what to say; I don't know what to do; I don't know how to act; I don't know how to tell him everything will be alright, because I can only do so much. I don't know how to be there for him when he hasn't been there for me for my entire life, I can't blame him for what he's been through in his, but how am I supposed to be a son to him when I don't know how to be a son?
. . . because the semester is starting to wrap up, and I'm unable to grasp what my grades are going to be. I feel as if I'm doing merely OK, and that I'm afraid my GPA is going to suffer.
I'm angry that I am a year behind now and am basically a freshman again because of the way my credits transferred from UPS. I am going to take 20 credits next semester, and it's already stressing me out somewhat.
. . . because I'm sick of having the family I have. So dysfunctional and incapable of being an actual family. Contant fighting and lies.
Constant inconsistencies basically sums it up
I'm sick of not having anything for Christmas from them because they can barely afford to put food in their stomachs or pay rent, or pay for the bare necessities of life. I know that sounds extremely selfish, but it's so frustrating to see all of my close friends getting any and everything they want for Christmas, and I'm lucky if I even get a card. At least I have good company I suppose.
. . .because I just want to be a kid again.
I want to be able to be worry-free. To be able to prance freely in the streets of Boise and not have to worry about bills, or school, or life worries, or drama. Just to merely have the spirit of myself to worry about. To not have to try and please every person I see in passing.
I just am finding it very hard to be positive currently because I can barely afford to fill up my gas tank every time I need to travel long distances. It's so frustrating that there's really nothing I can do to better my family and my relationships with them. What ever did I do to deserve it? It's so frustrating and energy consuming, and I'm sick of dealing with it. But I can't stop-family is permanent, regardless of how NOT constant they are.