Anorexia and Assault
So after many years of....well denial, I have been more open with my most recent battle with anorexia and a form of bulemia. As a fat girl I have had people scoff and laugh at me when I tell them I am borderline anorexic. Of course people who starve themselves couldn't possibly be this fat after they start eating normally.... And fat girls also don't get raped. Anyways, I have actually been a little shocked now that I look back on it because it's still there. I starved myself off and on...mostly on for over 6 months. I started with the master cleanse, and then that wasn't good enough. I got scared I was still gaining or would gain with the maple syrup you subsist on. I remember going 27 days just on various liquids....and the kicker?
Laxatives. Every day. The rare days someone would get me to eat I would double up. I have no clue how I survived all this.....my body was at the point where I was taking nothing in at all and was flushing out any piece of nutrient or liquid I had in me. I got down to 5'10" and 198 pounds. I loved how I looked.....and people still called me fat. I still felt fat too. But it was almost 65 days of ingesting nothing but liquids and taking laxatives that had pushed me from 135 pounds to 209. Frightened of gaining a single pound. I started eating again when i was in Asia as they said the food went right through you. It did. I was eating healthy, and went down to 198.
I stayed at 198 for at least two weeks after coming back to the US but 3 1/2 weeks after i got home I was sexually assaulted. Check: I was Raped. Now before this I still had people calling me fat even though I had lost over 80 pounds by not eating, laxatives, and excessive excercise. I'm not gonna go into detail other than they slipped me a date rape drug and the only thing I can tell myself for sure is i protected my vagina.....but nothing else...but I don't really know. There are so many gaps from that night. Then I started to gain weight. I wasn't eating unhealthy....but I gained. I wasn't even eating meat....and I gained. Makes sense. A year of basically starving myself and living off shakes, maple syrup, gatorade, and whatever I could convince myself to survive on so I could keep starving myself. I had lost track on what eating was...and then...I was unable to excercise, and it seemed like I just kept gaining weight. I tryed wearing a corset but it eventually got too painful to keep wearing and I just kept gaining....No matter how much i excercised...and no matter what I did...I just kept gaining. I think I've stabilized....And after getting hit by a car 8 months ago I can't excercise outside of physical therapy and bike riding every day. I'm fat....terribly awfully fat, and It's not my damn fault! I was skinny all through childhood...partially because i tried to avoid eating lunch most days, and after a bad diagnosis I got lithium.....and 100 extra pounds. I was gorgeous before then. Skinny as a rail...5'3" 136 pounds. I could wear head to toe skin tight clothing and I looked good. My thyroid is destroyed.....and after starving myself for almost a year, some bitch who pretended she was my friend tells two men I'm a lesbian and a virgin.....and ignores it when she hears me say no to them. It was like I was being punished for being smaller than i was. And no one was there for me. I had no one to get me through it....maybe I called the wrong people or didn't talk to enough....but I was alone. And the bitch (s) that let it happen lied to one of my dear friends (m) who WAS helping me through it. The last words M ever told me was that it didn't matter that I was raped....just that i report it and press charges. I found out later....that someone had gotten through to M and she knew I didn't make up being raped and it really happened. But no one told me this why M was still alive. I'm huge. I'm huge and have trouble sleeping some nites because of what those men did to me. Im a fat girl and I am anorexic....and it scares me.
Laxatives. Every day. The rare days someone would get me to eat I would double up. I have no clue how I survived all this.....my body was at the point where I was taking nothing in at all and was flushing out any piece of nutrient or liquid I had in me. I got down to 5'10" and 198 pounds. I loved how I looked.....and people still called me fat. I still felt fat too. But it was almost 65 days of ingesting nothing but liquids and taking laxatives that had pushed me from 135 pounds to 209. Frightened of gaining a single pound. I started eating again when i was in Asia as they said the food went right through you. It did. I was eating healthy, and went down to 198.
I stayed at 198 for at least two weeks after coming back to the US but 3 1/2 weeks after i got home I was sexually assaulted. Check: I was Raped. Now before this I still had people calling me fat even though I had lost over 80 pounds by not eating, laxatives, and excessive excercise. I'm not gonna go into detail other than they slipped me a date rape drug and the only thing I can tell myself for sure is i protected my vagina.....but nothing else...but I don't really know. There are so many gaps from that night. Then I started to gain weight. I wasn't eating unhealthy....but I gained. I wasn't even eating meat....and I gained. Makes sense. A year of basically starving myself and living off shakes, maple syrup, gatorade, and whatever I could convince myself to survive on so I could keep starving myself. I had lost track on what eating was...and then...I was unable to excercise, and it seemed like I just kept gaining weight. I tryed wearing a corset but it eventually got too painful to keep wearing and I just kept gaining....No matter how much i excercised...and no matter what I did...I just kept gaining. I think I've stabilized....And after getting hit by a car 8 months ago I can't excercise outside of physical therapy and bike riding every day. I'm fat....terribly awfully fat, and It's not my damn fault! I was skinny all through childhood...partially because i tried to avoid eating lunch most days, and after a bad diagnosis I got lithium.....and 100 extra pounds. I was gorgeous before then. Skinny as a rail...5'3" 136 pounds. I could wear head to toe skin tight clothing and I looked good. My thyroid is destroyed.....and after starving myself for almost a year, some bitch who pretended she was my friend tells two men I'm a lesbian and a virgin.....and ignores it when she hears me say no to them. It was like I was being punished for being smaller than i was. And no one was there for me. I had no one to get me through it....maybe I called the wrong people or didn't talk to enough....but I was alone. And the bitch (s) that let it happen lied to one of my dear friends (m) who WAS helping me through it. The last words M ever told me was that it didn't matter that I was raped....just that i report it and press charges. I found out later....that someone had gotten through to M and she knew I didn't make up being raped and it really happened. But no one told me this why M was still alive. I'm huge. I'm huge and have trouble sleeping some nites because of what those men did to me. Im a fat girl and I am anorexic....and it scares me.