f*** your christmas!
Yeah. That's it, this isnt getting put on facebook because i cant control the comments on it. and this will probably piss people off. So WHAT. christmas is designed to make people like me feel like shit. I'm lesbian, pagan, and i'm tall and fat, and i have tattoos and piercings. I disowned my own family because they were so abusive and inappropriate. Im not gonna go into detail on how badly. but i have no family.
I have spent countelss thanksgivings alone or with people who made me feel worse about myself. no one ever asks me what i want for christmas, no one ever gets me a goddamn thing for my birthday. One person bought me a drink on my birthday. i dont even know what a birthday present is anymore, or a christmas present for that matter. thanksgiving always sucks. a day where everyone's so busy with their family they forget about the people who dont have a family. Shut up about how stressed your family makes you during the holidays! you have somehwere to go. and if your family didnt invite you you would be upset. I am a pagan spiritual person.....but bein alone on christmas sucks. and i hate being at some thanksgiving party where you're only there because people feel pity for you. I shouldnt be pitied....we shouldnt have a stupid holiday that makes people without families feel like crap. my family beat the crap out of me constantly. I've wondered if the reasons my fingers are crooked is because of how many times my dad crushed my fingers with his grip because he was punishing me for something i didn't even know i'd done wrong. I was scared he was gonna kill me one day, thats how abusive he was. and both of them constantly tore me down and made me feel like i was the reason we were poor. and i was...but i was a freaking little kid! they could have given me up if i was making their life so miserable. They beat that into me every day.
I go out of my way to be a good person....i really try....i hate the holidays and i hate my birthday. I forget them because they mean nothing but pain and loneliness. i would love someone to invite me for a holiday because they want me there....not cause they feel sorry for me....im a good person. i at least try to be....i don't feel i deserve to feel like such a waste of life on the holidays. nobody has ever thrown me a birthday party. my parents told me when i was 11 i wasnt allowed to have birthday parties because no one ever came to them. Part of the reason I hate being single is.....i think if i had a girlfriend....maybe she would invite me to thanksgiving. I stay at 27 cause why bother telling people im older when most people dont seem to care. if i actually had a real birthday celebration maybe i would celebrate getting older. and i dont care if people say i'm a whiny bitch. I should have a right to not hate the holidays but every holiday it just seems like something is missing.
Christmas was the only time i was ever happy growing up....i got lots of presents and sometimes we would spend it in california. and if it was in california my parents would be nice to me most of the time we were there. I miss christmas....I really do. i miss waking up to seeing ninja turtles and other things that had mysteriously appeared over night. i miss getting yoyos and thrift store hemans in my stockings. i miss stockings....i miss the tree.....i miss opening presents....i miss watching pthers open presents. my god it was the only time i wasnt scared of my dad. And it was the only time he would be really happy at something i'd done. mom always seemed fake. I always managed to come up with the perfect present for him, and i would always disguise it so he wouldn't know what it was. and when he finally got to the actual present, he would get the biggest smile and i had one day where i didn't feel like a disgrace. it was awful living there....really awful. but the holidays were nice....and they still did stuff for my birthday....i got to take one friend to a real fancy dinner with them so it was like my friend got a birthday party too. thanksgiving was soemtimes fun until they stopped doing it around the time i was 16...i remember when i was 20....i wanted to work all the holidays so i would forget about them. call me a bitter old woman...i dont care.
10 yrs of crappy holidays can get to you after awhile. i miss christmas so much....i have too much crap but i loved getting presents and i loved giving them. to see someone you deeply feared get a smile on their face and thank you was a powerful thing. i spent last christmas alone in thailand.....and no one seemed to be able to pick up the phone. Cause of course no one wants to be bothered on christmas by someone. Like just the fact you know im alone makes you feel guilty. thats whats bad....not answering an unknown number on christmas....you're so involved in you own happy little holdiay that no one else matters? i cant write anymore....im dehydrated from the tears. All i can say is not everyone has someplace to go on the holidays and i miss having a real holiday. i miss christmas, i miss the year we put sunglasses on the turkey and named it bruce, i miss going to red lobster for my birthday, god i miss the 4 birthday parties in a row at the pizza places even though there was only one year more than 1 person showed up. I was in a bowling league when i was 13....so the otehr bowlers came....i only really knew one of them cause my social skills were bad. actually i think that was the year my parents stopped it.....they said it was too much money and only 1 kid ever came most of the time....they made me feel like it was my fault. I hate the holidays.....i cry every holiday weekend....alot. And i'm tired of the people who dont appreciate what the have!
I have spent countelss thanksgivings alone or with people who made me feel worse about myself. no one ever asks me what i want for christmas, no one ever gets me a goddamn thing for my birthday. One person bought me a drink on my birthday. i dont even know what a birthday present is anymore, or a christmas present for that matter. thanksgiving always sucks. a day where everyone's so busy with their family they forget about the people who dont have a family. Shut up about how stressed your family makes you during the holidays! you have somehwere to go. and if your family didnt invite you you would be upset. I am a pagan spiritual person.....but bein alone on christmas sucks. and i hate being at some thanksgiving party where you're only there because people feel pity for you. I shouldnt be pitied....we shouldnt have a stupid holiday that makes people without families feel like crap. my family beat the crap out of me constantly. I've wondered if the reasons my fingers are crooked is because of how many times my dad crushed my fingers with his grip because he was punishing me for something i didn't even know i'd done wrong. I was scared he was gonna kill me one day, thats how abusive he was. and both of them constantly tore me down and made me feel like i was the reason we were poor. and i was...but i was a freaking little kid! they could have given me up if i was making their life so miserable. They beat that into me every day.
I go out of my way to be a good person....i really try....i hate the holidays and i hate my birthday. I forget them because they mean nothing but pain and loneliness. i would love someone to invite me for a holiday because they want me there....not cause they feel sorry for me....im a good person. i at least try to be....i don't feel i deserve to feel like such a waste of life on the holidays. nobody has ever thrown me a birthday party. my parents told me when i was 11 i wasnt allowed to have birthday parties because no one ever came to them. Part of the reason I hate being single is.....i think if i had a girlfriend....maybe she would invite me to thanksgiving. I stay at 27 cause why bother telling people im older when most people dont seem to care. if i actually had a real birthday celebration maybe i would celebrate getting older. and i dont care if people say i'm a whiny bitch. I should have a right to not hate the holidays but every holiday it just seems like something is missing.
Christmas was the only time i was ever happy growing up....i got lots of presents and sometimes we would spend it in california. and if it was in california my parents would be nice to me most of the time we were there. I miss christmas....I really do. i miss waking up to seeing ninja turtles and other things that had mysteriously appeared over night. i miss getting yoyos and thrift store hemans in my stockings. i miss stockings....i miss the tree.....i miss opening presents....i miss watching pthers open presents. my god it was the only time i wasnt scared of my dad. And it was the only time he would be really happy at something i'd done. mom always seemed fake. I always managed to come up with the perfect present for him, and i would always disguise it so he wouldn't know what it was. and when he finally got to the actual present, he would get the biggest smile and i had one day where i didn't feel like a disgrace. it was awful living there....really awful. but the holidays were nice....and they still did stuff for my birthday....i got to take one friend to a real fancy dinner with them so it was like my friend got a birthday party too. thanksgiving was soemtimes fun until they stopped doing it around the time i was 16...i remember when i was 20....i wanted to work all the holidays so i would forget about them. call me a bitter old woman...i dont care.
10 yrs of crappy holidays can get to you after awhile. i miss christmas so much....i have too much crap but i loved getting presents and i loved giving them. to see someone you deeply feared get a smile on their face and thank you was a powerful thing. i spent last christmas alone in thailand.....and no one seemed to be able to pick up the phone. Cause of course no one wants to be bothered on christmas by someone. Like just the fact you know im alone makes you feel guilty. thats whats bad....not answering an unknown number on christmas....you're so involved in you own happy little holdiay that no one else matters? i cant write anymore....im dehydrated from the tears. All i can say is not everyone has someplace to go on the holidays and i miss having a real holiday. i miss christmas, i miss the year we put sunglasses on the turkey and named it bruce, i miss going to red lobster for my birthday, god i miss the 4 birthday parties in a row at the pizza places even though there was only one year more than 1 person showed up. I was in a bowling league when i was 13....so the otehr bowlers came....i only really knew one of them cause my social skills were bad. actually i think that was the year my parents stopped it.....they said it was too much money and only 1 kid ever came most of the time....they made me feel like it was my fault. I hate the holidays.....i cry every holiday weekend....alot. And i'm tired of the people who dont appreciate what the have!