[Naruto][LeeGaa/GaaLee][The Trick is to Keep Breathing]
Title : The Trick Is To Keep Breathing
Pairings : LeeGaa/GaaLee
Type : Oneshot
Word Count : 3771
Rating : PG-13ish
Disclaimers : NARUTO © Kishimoto et al. Title from song by Garbage.
Warnings : Spoilers for episodes before time skip.
Author’s Notes:
Situated during the time skip. Special thanks to my beta reader,
glance_inward , for comments regarding Gaara’s characterization and corrections on my grammar and punctuation. Con-crit and comments much appreciated.
“If I can’t do one thousand push-ups, I’ll do two thousand lunges!”
It was a perfect day for training alone: Neji had some Hyuuga business to attend to, Tenten-wait, he didn’t know where Tenten was, and Gai-sensei said something about having to talk to Kakashi-sensei, so if Lee could just train alone today as everyone else was so busy with “personal stuff”… and then launched into a wonderful speech about youth that Lee wholeheartedly concurred with.
It was clear and the weather was perfect. And although Rock Lee did not dislike bad weather (an entirely different challenge in itself, of course), he enjoyed the pleasant warmth on the back of his neck more.
It almost could have been an uneventful day for Lee, but he had noticed for quite a while… something was decidedly off. He felt it, a presence in an otherwise deserted place, because he wouldn’t be a very good ninja if he didn’t, would he? And he knew. Somebody was definitely watching him.
He quickened his pace. “Eight-hundred-and-twenty-three, eight-hundred-and-twenty-four, eight-hundred-and-twenty-five…”
It didn’t feel threatening, but…
“… eight hundred-and-thirty-two, eight-hundred-and-thirty-three…”
Ah.
He turned his head a bit; from the corner of his eye, he could see blazing red hair. He knew who it was. In fact, now that he thought about it, the chakra pattern was familiar. Lee had felt it before.
But what was he doing there?
Despite the intrusion, Lee went on counting, intent on not breaking his concentration, but he could feel eyes watching him.
It felt strange.
He had to ask. “Can I help you, Gaara? Eight-hundred-and-ninety-two… do you need anything?”
“No.”
Lee lost track of his numbers and started with lunges. “Well, I must resume my training then.”
“Go right ahead.”
And he stood there. Casually. And Lee again thought how strange it was, the way he connected Gaara to the word casual, as if the ever-threatening gourd was just… a backpack.
Lee continued, “Um, would you like to join me?”
“Not really,” Gaara replied.
It felt comfortable. That was the strangest thing of all.
---
Lee wiped the sweat off his forehead. The sun was already starting to set and Lee needed to find something to eat to soothe his rumbling stomach. But…
“Gaara, I’m going to get something to eat. Do you want to join me?”
Gaara was sitting cross-legged, his gourd leaned against a tree, looking quite bored. “Sure,” he replied.
Lee was surprised at this, partly because it never crossed his mind that this person ate and partly because he never thought Gaara would okay his invitation.
“Ramen?” Lee offered. It seemed like a safe option.
“Anything is fine,” Gaara replied, straightening. His gourd was once again on his back.
“Yes, but-“
“How are you?”
Lee started walking, “I’m doing really well. How about you?”
“I’m good.”
“That’s good.” What was he supposed to say?
“The Chuunin exam,” Gaara said suddenly, falling in step beside him.
“Huh?”
“Your speed… has returned?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry.”
The apology felt out of place. It was so brief that it seemed like it never happened. Lee looked at Gaara, but found no hint of him ever saying anything. That face, it was so…
Expressionless.
“The Chuunin exam, huh?” Lee shrugged, a smile on his face. “I was happy that you were my opponent, Gaara. After what happened, I trained much harder. Gai-sensei helped me. I realized that I still have much to do until I become an excellent ninja. Ah, I mean, after recovering of course. Hokage-sama said that I slowed the recovery process when I went out to help Naruto-kun with…”
Gaara’s head turned.
“… Sasuke-kun. Of course, thanks to you, it wasn’t too bad.”
“For trying to kill you too.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry for that too.”
“Yes, I only heard about that,” Lee stuttered, rather flabbergasted. “But you didn’t really have to come all the way here to apologize, Gaara.”
“I didn’t. Temari had some business in Konoha and she asked me to come as well.”
Oh.
They continued walking silently.
“It seems like we’re here,” Gaara said.
They were now standing in front of Ichiraku, uncharacteristically empty at this hour. Lee wondered if the Sand shinobi had anything to do with it. He let his gaze rest on Gaara’s face and thought that he, well, looked less menacing compared to back then, a far cry from the old Gaara.
“Gaara,” Lee called softly.
The redhead turned and waited.
“I don’t blame you for what happened during the Chuunin exam. You were a strong opponent and it was a good fight. I gave it all my strength and you did the same. So, as I have told you before, I hold no grudges whatsoever.”
“You did say that.”
“Gaara, I don’t need an apology. I’ll show you how great of a ninja I am!” Lee exclaimed, throwing in a thumbs-up for good measure. “You know, I’ve gotten even stronger. Next time, I’ll win!”
The redhead only looked at him, but he seemed quite satisfied.
“Let’s eat.”
Gaara nodded and followed Lee into Ichiraku.
---
Alone in his room, Lee unwrapped the bandages from his hands. He was taking off the weights from his legs when he heard a soft thud outside the door.
He knew it was the gourd, set aside for the time being, resting against a wall somewhere in his living room.
He was leaving for Suna tomorrow, Gaara had told him, and he really didn’t know where Temari was. Lee couldn’t let the Sand shinobi wander around aimlessly, for the sake of Gaara and Konoha, and had offered him a place to stay.
Lee lived alone anyway. He moved out once he found that his excessive training drove his family crazy. His apartment was tiny, but Lee loved it there.
He opened the door and saw Gaara sitting on the floor. Lee remembered how Gaara had watched him earlier during the day. He had been so still, just like he was now. It was unsettling, but Lee wasn’t surprised.
“Gaara, I have a spare futon. It isn’t much, but it’s much better than the floor. Gai-sensei always says that you can train as hard as you want, push your body to the absolute limit, but you must rest whenever you can. It is very important.”
“I don’t sleep.”
“Huh?”
“Shukaku.”
“The demon?” Lee had heard about it, from Naruto and a few others, but never actually pressed for details.
“I don’t sleep. If I sleep, Shukaku will take over my consciousness completely.”
Lee realized that a less menacing-looking Gaara was by no means a harmless one. “I see.”
“But he is under my control, not the other way around.” Gaara said calmly.
”I figured as much, Gaara. It’s just… don’t you get tired?”
“I’ve forgotten how that feels. I do rest, however, so don’t concern yourself. I just don’t sleep, that’s all, and I don’t need a futon.”
Lee nodded. Sand. His skin was the color of sand. And the dark rings around his eyes must be the desert sky at night. “Good night, then.”
“Lee?”
The Leaf shinobi turned and waited.
“I won’t lose.”
Lee laughed. “I don’t expect you to take it easy on me. But I won’t lose so easily, either.”
Gaara said nothing.
In Lee’s living room, Gaara looked painfully young. Sitting there, without the gourd on his back, staring at the darkness… Lee couldn’t imagine staying awake when everyone else had gone to sleep.
Lee climbed into bed. He found it a bit difficult at first, but when he finally did, his sleep was deep and dreamless.
Like the desert, perhaps.
---
Gaara went back to Suna the next morning and Lee went back to his routines. In the days that followed, Lee trained with Gai-sensei and his teammates and went on missions. Lee continued to train alone, after everyone else had finished, and when he felt flickers of chakra, he turned around (he might as well train his neck muscles along with everything else), expecting Gaara.
Very few times, Lee guessed right. After a few months passed, Lee was already attaching training conditions to these guesses, wishing that he was wrong so he could train more and yet wishing that he was right so he could see Gaara.
Because talking to Gaara had turned out to be fun. Well… not fun fun, but quite fun. And his powers were interesting. It would be a good, wonderful, amazing thing to train with Gaara, but the Sand shinobi always declined.
It was a shame, but he’d just have to try again next time.
He never showed up when Lee was with the rest of his team and he really couldn’t figure out why. When Gaara did visit, they did the same things over and over again. Lee would train, alone, while Gaara sat around looking bored and interested at the same time. Sometimes Gaara swirled sand on his palm. His eyes would close during these moments and Lee wondered if that was how he rested.
Gaara never interrupted him during his training sessions. In fact, Gaara seemed content to just sit there and do nothing. If Lee got distracted, it was his own fault and he simply did more push-ups.
Lee ran laps too, of course, because he believed that it was crucial to vary one’s training to fully develop one’s strength. He had wondered briefly if Gaara would follow him, but he didn’t. The boy just sat at the same spot, watching Lee pass by every short moment or so.
They talked and ate, always at Lee’s insistence and choice, spending a good few hours before Lee headed for home. Sometimes Gaara followed him, sometimes they said their goodbyes, never saying anything about the next time.
---
One very strange day, he saw Gaara again. Lee was walking into Konoha with Tenten and Neji, having just returned from a mission, and Gaara, flanked by Temari and Kankurou, was walking out.
Lee smiled, “Gaara, you’re here! Temari-san and Kankurou-kun, how are you?”
Temari and Kankurou looked at Gaara oddly, while Neji and Tenten looked at Lee. The familiarity was odd to them; after all, neither ever said anything.
The two Sand siblings recovered quickly and exchanged pleasantries with Lee and his teammates. Tenten chatted easily with Temari and Kankurou, but Neji seemed a bit annoyed. Lee ignored this.
“Gaara, you’re going home? Already? I just got back! It’s a shame.”
“We can stay another night,” Gaara said, quietly.
“Gaara -“ Temari started.
Kankurou interrupted her, “That’s okay, Temari. I’m tired, ‘nyways.”
“You’re friends,” Temari stated. It wasn’t a question and she didn’t wait for an answer. She sighed. “All right. I’ll just find us a room for the night, then.”
“I’ll stay with Lee.”
Temari’s eyes widened. “Is that okay, Lee?”
“Err… yes.”
Lee was happy, sort of, that Gaara wanted to stay and talk with him that much. Yet, he was quite startled when the sentence flew from Gaara’s mouth.
Gaara was already walking. Lee gave a little bow before catching up with him, leaving four people staring at his back.
---
“How does it feel to be held?”
When Gaara asked that question, they were sitting on the roof of Lee’s apartment and Lee was trying to find things to say. Lee was taken aback. “Don’t you know how it feels?”
Gaara only shook his head.
Eh?!
“It looks nice,” Gaara said, matter-of-factly.
“It feels… comfortable, I suppose,” Lee explained. “But I don’t have any experience with girls, so if you’re asking about that, I really wouldn’t know!”
“Girls?”
“Hugging Sakura-san would feel really nice,” he said wistfully.
“Do you like her?” Gaara asked.
“I think she’s beautiful. When I’m with her, I feel happy.”
“When you’re with her, you feel happy?” Gaara seemed to think about it for a bit and continued, “But I don’t think you’re beautiful.”
Lee really didn’t know what to make of that. It didn’t really hurt his feelings, per se, but what did that have to do with anything?
Gaara’s voice was almost drowned out by the wind. “And I feel happy right now.”
Lee scrutinized the Sand shinobi’s face. He just looked like, well, Gaara. Lee didn’t think he looked especially happy. He didn’t look particularly sad, either. Lee smiled brightly. “That’s because we’re friends!”
“Friends.”
Lee gave him a thumbs-up. He didn’t really know when exactly this friendship started, but Gaara was a friend to Lee and he wanted Gaara to understand this. Upon seeing Gaara’s confusion, he said, “Yes, friends! I’m happy that you’re here. Friends are always happy to see each other. I’m happy when I’m with Tenten and Sakura-san and Naruto-kun. Even Neji too, sometimes, especially when we’re training.”
“And your teacher too?”
“Gai-sensei? Of course!” Lee’s eyes softened. “Gai-sensei is a very important person to me. He taught me everything I know and he believes in me. I am very lucky to have him as a teacher… and the only way I can thank him is by becoming an excellent ninja.”
“You’re not a bad ninja,” Gaara said.
“No, Gaara. I will become an excellent ninja. I will surpass genius with hard work!”
Gaara was quiet for a while, looking at the sky like he looked at everything else. Lee, who always thought that Gaara was expressionless, realized that Gaara was just missing something. Something. But what?
“You like your friends.”
“Of course. Don’t you like Temari-san and Kankurou-kun?”
“I do feel comfortable with them,” Gaara admitted. “But I don’t particularly want to hold them.”
Lee was confused by this statement. He imagined giving Neji a hug and shivered. “I don’t particularly want to hold them either, Gaara. When Gai-sensei holds me, I feel safe. I feel happy too, but a different sort of happy. I don’t think about wanting to hold him or anything. Well, I do, but… not like I want to hold Sakura-san. So, it’s not like that.”
“But I want to hold you.”
Lee whipped his head so fast, he swore he heard parts of his neck snapping. “Huh?”
“I don’t know why. I just do.”
“But…”
“Lately, when I see you, I feel weird inside. I don’t know why. I really want to hold you. Like I need to do it.”
The Leaf shinobi matched Gaara’s unblinking gaze. Gaara didn’t look uncomfortable at all.
“So… you like me?” Lee finally asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Oh.”
They sat there quietly after that, not saying much else to each other. Gaara didn’t press Lee for an answer. In fact, Gaara didn’t seem to expect one.
Lee remembered how he had asked Sakura to go out with him. This was nothing like that. It felt more intimate, somehow.
What happened next was a blur. Lee didn’t know what came over him. He just kept thinking how lonely Gaara must have been. He kept thinking it over and over and over. And he turned to Gaara very suddenly and wrapped his arms around him, but…
There was a slight hiss. Sand slapped Lee’s hands away. Lee had amazing reflexes; the sand didn’t get a chance to hurt him. But it did hurt, in a way Lee wouldn’t have expected.
Gaara was as surprised as he was, it seemed. His eyes widened at Lee’s form, now a bit farther away.
“I, no, it was startled!”
“It’s okay, Gaara. I’m fine! See!” Lee grinned.
Gaara nodded. “It’s late.”
“Right,” Lee replied softly. “Let’s get back inside.”
Lee knew, then. What Gaara did not have was what he had in excess.
Warmth.
---
“How do you do that?” Gaara asked the next morning.
Lee was training again. He had no practice or missions today, since he had just gotten back yesterday, and he was doing warm-ups and stretches in his tiny living room. Gaara was seated, leaning against a wall by the window, watching him, as per usual with Gaara when around Lee these days.
“Do what?”
Gaara didn’t mention anything at all regarding last night’s incident and Lee was too embarrassed to bring it up. He tried a few times, but couldn’t.
“I’ve never seen anyone train as much as you do.”
“I think, maybe, most people don’t really have to,” Lee said, stretching his arms above his head. “But it’s fun. I honestly don’t mind.”
“I don’t really train.”
“Really? I knew you were strong, but…”
“Once I fully learned to control my chakra,” Gaara interrupted, palm upturned, “I didn’t need to learn anything else.”
“But…”
Gaara swirled sand on his palm. “I do train. This way. I build up my chakra control by doing this. I do other things too, but it’s nothing like what you do.”
Lee had seen this before, but was still the slightest bit impressed. “I thought you were resting when you did that.”
“Actually, that too. You knew?”
“Um, no. I just guessed. You close your eyes sometimes.”
“You see,” Gaara started, spinning the sand faster, “I can’t sleep, but I must rest. I close my eyes and relax, but not entirely, because that would be a disaster. This is where the sand comes in. It keeps me focused and clear. It requires enough attention for me to stay awake, but only trace amounts of chakra for me to rest. This was the first thing I learned as a child.”
“Wow…” Lee whispered.
“The second thing was killing.”
Lee sighed. That was his childhood memory? Being taught to rest without sleeping and kill without second thought? Lee digested this information, replaying last night’s incident in his head. Of course.
“I learned the second on my own, though. After…”
When Lee asked, his voice was soft. “After what?”
“Never mind.”
Lee did not press for an explanation. He really didn’t know that much about Gaara, not enough anyway. He only knew that it had been bad and he didn’t know if he wanted to know more. If Gaara couldn’t even manage to be touched, held, by his friend whom he’s been seeing regularly for quite a while now, it had to be horrible.
He thought about Gaara’s remark that day, under the tree, after the fight with Kimimaro. It was something about being lonely. He tried to remember what Gaara had said exactly, but he only remembered his face then.
He had to ask. “How did you get through it, Gaara? Your childhood?”
“I barely did. Not long ago.”
“Oh.”
“You?” Gaara asked, as if in reply. “You say you want to be an excellent ninja, but you can’t do ninjutsu or genjutsu. You wouldn’t even have made genin in Suna. Konoha shouldn’t be that different, but you did it. You were my first real opponent and I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you did it.”
The change of subject was sudden, and some of Gaara’s words were harsh, but Lee pondered on Gaara’s question. Sure, it was hard. Really hard at first, even. But he never did give up and Gai-sensei… well, Gai-sensei had everything to do with Rock Lee being as strong as he was now. Lee placed both hands on his hips and said, in a very clear voice and as confident a tone he could muster, “The trick, Gaara, is to keep breathing!”
Gaara didn’t seem surprised by his little outburst at all, Lee thought.
“You see, Gaara, I have faced obstacles in my life and will face more as I grow stronger, but that is what youth is all about! I have trained and trained to reach my goal. I will continue to do so, of course. And when another obstacle presents itself, even if I feel as if it is too difficult for me to bear, I will just go on. I’ll keep breathing and continue my efforts. As long as I do that, I’ll jump over that hurdle in no time!”
For some reason, Gaara smiled. It wasn’t manic-looking like Lee had expected of Gaara. It looked weird at first, because this was a new thing for even Lee who had befriended him quite easily, but it was a nice smile, barely there, but a real smile. Really. He…
Smiled.
“I suppose that’s what I’ve been doing, then,” Gaara said finally. “Breathing.”
“Yes,” Lee replied, voice softening. “In a different sort of way, but breathing all the same.”
Gaara stood up abruptly and said, “I have to go now.”
“Oh?” Lee relaxed his arms at his sides. He felt the slightest bit disappointed.
“I’m better now and we have to get back. Temari must be waiting for me already.”
Better?
Before Lee could ask, Gaara had wrapped his arms around him. Lee couldn’t figure out how it happened, but it happened. He could only stand there, not understanding exactly what…
“Yesterday, I was surprised,” Gaara said.
Lee carefully freed his arms from their awkward position and placed them on Gaara’s back. They stayed in the embrace for a while and when Gaara finally pulled his hands away, Lee felt his cheeks flush. Because well… the things they had talked about yesterday were hitting a bit too close to home, but Lee realized he didn’t mind, not really, he was okay with all this. Holding Gaara felt nice, a bit like hugging Gai-sensei, but a bit different, because it felt like this time it was Lee who was doing the protecting.
“I’ll see you,” Lee grinned. Next time.
“Yes. In about two weeks? Temari has some follow-ups to do.”
“Right,” Lee answered, startled.
“We almost missed each other yesterday,” Gaara said.
“Wouldn’t want that to happen again,” Lee replied.
Gaara smiled. Again, Lee thought.
When Lee offered to walk Gaara to the gates, where Temari was waiting, Gaara refused. So Lee just gave him a salute and watched him disappear in the corner.
---
“Lee!” Tenten called, throwing a shuriken his way. “What’s wrong with you?”
He had been a bit out of it, he realized, after dodging rather poorly. Gaara holding him in his skinny arms. Gaara smiling. Smiling! Gaara saying those things… Gaara. Gaara. Gaara.
“Lee!”
Lee looked up at Tenten and grinned. He had told Gaara that he would win next time; this was not helping at all. No more silly thoughts in his head, Lee decided. He only had two weeks to train best to his ability and having one’s head in the clouds was not the way to do it.
One thousand squats, five hundred kicks, and eight hundred punches, he decided.
Two hundred laps around Konoha after their sparring bout, he thought again. After all, he had to keep breathing.
“Tenten!” he exclaimed, “Again!”
End
*Credits to
maldoror_gw; the sand-scene was mostly inspired by her Lee/Gaara fics. ♥